Wow...just wow

Eid was awesome. So glad i didn't let the stress of this situation effect me on Eid and throughout Ramadan. I really feel focusing on Ramadan has really helped me maintain my sanity and become more peaceful. So I finally met the concubine in person. She didn't speak and I didn't speak to her. The last week of Ramadan we were at an event together and I saw her, and she saw me and kept starring at me. Not sure why she kept starring, but I can only guess if I were in her shoes I would really want to get a good look at the first wife, and see if you measure up. It was really sad looking at her. She is very homely, not well dressed and just overall not attractive. I really feel sorry for her. As muslimas I feel we should always present ourselves as best as we can. A little fashion sense, and makeup can go a long way. For her to even be associated with my husband really brings down his reputation. But he's told me many times he is not trying to be with her for her looks, he knows she is not very attractive but she has "a big heart." I guess a big heart goes a long way. He has also told me he only needs one trophy wife (me) which is supposed to make me feel better. It does not. But during the event she kept starring and there was even several times we had to make wudu at the same time and were in speaking distance of each other. I am really pleased that i didn't say anything to her because i don't think it would have been nice. So no salaams, no words just stares, interesting. Glad she didn't speak because I don't want to hear her voice, its best for now at least that she remains out of my world. Well the saga continues.

Polygamy has nothing to do with me..

What a difference a day makes. Wow, so yesterday sucked pretty bad. This whole situation with the concubine is a one big confusion circle. One thing I have learned about this whole thing is polygamy has NOTHING to do with me. What I mean when I say this is, I am awesome, basically amazing in every way. I am not conceited just very confident in what I bring to the table and what characteristics I posses. Not only that my husband has told me this time and time again well before this scenario presented itself and throughout all this. He knows it is very lucky to be with me and on most days I can say the same about him. Him thinking of getting a 2^nd wife, I know and feel confident that she cannot replace me, she never will. Me and her are almost opposite in every way (what I know about her so far). I think the problems that occur initially from talking to many others in polygamy is at first there is a surge of confusing emotions. Self doubt, denial, anger, rage, jealously. A lot of it is due to the confusion of trying to understand the males’ brain. Men, and their whole way of thinking and logic is so abstract and different to a woman’s nature. Not only that the surge of emotions often causes the woman to doubt herself which is not healthy and good. I went through this very briefly thinking was there something lacking in me, this is why he needed her. I soon came to the realization that it has nothing to do with me. I am not lacking in any kind of way. I am the best wife he has ever had. He has told me this so many times before. He was married 2x before we got married.  It is an internal desire within him that he feels he needs.Bottom line. This underlining factor can be very hard to accept and it’s pointless to try to over work yourself to become “perfect”. Nobody is perfect, not me, not her and defiantly not him.

Another thing which I came to the realization of is everybody in the world isn’t as awesome and wonderful as me.LOL what a shocker. I tried reaching out to the concubine and talking to her woman to woman to get some things answered and to let her know how I feel on the matter. I wanted her to know this is extremely hurtful and difficult for me. Building a marriage on the premise of causing pain to someone else is sad. This is basically what I said in so many words. Well it didn’t go over as I planned and I really see now her and I are very different. I have no desire to meet her, befriend or associate with her in anyway. If I see her at the masjid or some other public place I will give salaams but that’s it. I will refrain from saying more because it is Ramadan and I am trying to mind my fast and develop this inner peace everyone is talking about lol.