Emotional rollercoaster..

Being in polygamy,  is like being on an emotional roller-coaster that never stops. This is how I would best sum up my feelings on the topic. Some days you simply do not even want to get out of bed. Other times you could care less and happy as can be. The situation is one that is so unpredictable at times you feel with all certainty you are certifiable bi-polar. LOL And I know some may be reading thinking there must be some women out there in the world who love their “cowife” like a sister and love polygamy, and perhaps do not feel as I do. I am sure there has to be these women, for I have heard of them as if there are urban legends. LOL. So they must exist somewhere, but I do not know of them personally. In most things in life there are always the exceptions to the rule. And these women who love polygamy are quite the exception. I would love to one day meet one of these magical women and really understand how she came to be. LOL .Get some tips share insights; perhaps she has a wealth of information on inner peace she can share. Until that day comes I can only make dua for my situation.
On this day my emotions are surprising calm, I currently feel no anger toward him or his “concubine”. I say concubine because they are not yet married. Planning, to get married in the up coming months, whether or not this will actually happen is up to Allah. I want to write now because writing is therapy; it is a release and allows me to express my feelings as I feel them. I hope as time goes on I can later reflect on these writings and learn and grow from this situation. If I am unable to grow or learn anything then that will be truly sad. Regardless of how difficult life’s journey is, it is nothing more that continuous opportunities to learn and grow. Today I feel stronger; less angry and motivated tackle life’s challenges. I can only pray that this feeling continues.

Ready or not...

I sit and force myself to write this as if this ink holds some magic power over the situation I am presented with. The situation, yes the infamous situation which has on most recent days turned my life into chaos. Where do I even start to begin? The situation is polygamy and for most Muslims and non-Muslims alike that is the one thing they will all know about Islam. No matter how good of a Muslim you are, one thing is for sure you are aware that a man can have up to four wives. If you are non-Muslim and you know nothing else you know polygamy exist. And although everyone seems to know so much about polygamy, or so they think I have yet to be presented with a “how to guide” on the topic. There are of course the basic rules of fairness, and politeness, community love and all the warm and fuzzy stuff you try to force yourself to adhere to. However, if and when a first wife is presented with the situation it is quite difficult so see things in black and white.

There is a large grey area when it comes to polygamy in Islam. Many people often say “want for your sister what you want for yourself.” Which to many pro-polygamy people this is translated to mean, if you want a good husband, you should also want a single sister to have a good husband even if that means sharing your own. The gray area in this matter is the sharing and effects of sharing on the female psyche. Most kind hearted Muslim women, will no doubt want the sisters in Islam to be happy, loved, provided for, and have life long companions. After all marriage is half one’s deen so naturally one will be so inclined as to want this for are sisters, and Muslim friends. However, the sharing and affects of polygamy can wreak havoc on the female psyche and cause lots of pain and hurt for the first wife. So again using the same argument, “Want for your sister what you want for yourself.” Would any able minded Muslim woman want to be depressed, insecure, jealous, and left feeling angry and inadequate? Most would answer no.

In western culture polygamy is illegal so naturally most illegal activities are kept hush and often considered taboo. This is what makes it even more difficult for a Muslim woman living in this culture. Whom do you reach out to, who can really help you through this situation? Some may say go to your Imam, or go to Psychologist for counseling. Well these outlets may be helpful in this scenario an Imam will likely advise it is permissible and try to deal with it. The psychologist may try to treat you for depression or the other mood disorders you are now likely facing. So many women like myself are often left feeling helpless. They are often left scouring the Internet for resources, forums and groups to join or blogs of similar stories to find any way to cope through the pain. But really who wants to live their life coping or just dealing, what about living?

As I sit and write this, not really knowing where this will end up or for that matter where I will end up, I remember long ago reading a blog on polygamy. I will paraphrase but the woman stated she felt as though going through polygamy could be compared to a grieving process. At the time polygamy was not a reality for my family so I was shocked and really sadden to read that. I thought to myself,”is it really that bad?” Sadly unless you are raised in a polygamy household or in a society that accepts it, polygamy can be extremely difficult. And with all grieving it is expected or assumed that pain resides in with time. How much time is needed? Allah only knows.

Introduction

Asalaamu-alaikum world. I am a twenty something Muslim woman, graduate student, and business owner, facing the reality of polygamy. I created this blog as an outlet for myself through this process and as a possible site for others in this situation for support tips and advice. Trust me when I say I am no Islamic scholar, sheik or mulana however often words from others in similar situations can prove to be far more helpful than from those in different situations. This blog is NOT meant to be a "go to" site for hadith, or any Islamic rulings or "how to guide" for establishing a plural marriage, you will not find this here. Inshallah I do plan on sharing hadiths from time to time, especially those that are helpful and relate to the treatment of women. However is blog is mainly a platform of expression, thoughts and ideas on the topic and one woman's struggle with it.
I wanted to also introduce a few things about me before I really begin blogging. For the most part I will try my best to be open, honest, and correct and try not to backbite or slander others. However, such things as the pen name "Jaiyanna Muslima" I have chosen to blog under is not my real name. The name Jaiyanna means "strong" in Arabic or so I'm told ( do not speak the language). So this is my reason for choosing the pen name. I make dua Allah grants me the strength and wisdom to deal with this situation and become better as a result. Other names will be changed to protect my identity and my families and keep this anonymous as possible. Polygamy and the practice is very taboo and difficult to deal with. Until I am ready to reveal my situations to family and friends and the community I live in I will continue to blog under my pen name.I will refer to my husband as "Hassan" its not his name but, I've always liked the name Hassan so that's a good enough reason. A few other things and misconceptions about women in polygamy :

1. I do not have 13 children ( we actually have none)
2. We are not on Welfare or any government assistance (Al-humdillah we do well :-)
3. We are both highly educated , (the potential 2nd wife is also)
4. There is no abuse in the relationship, my husband actually treats me very well

I just wanted to point out somethings about me and my relationship, as many people hear polygamy and automatically think you are being abused , on welfare with a million children. This is so not the case. I say potential 2nd wife because the two are not yet married but are planning on doing so. I am not so naive to think that this will not become a reality. I wanted to start this blog from beginning until wherever this journey takes me. Also I feel if the potential 2nd wives out there could really understand the first wives emotions,hurt and true feelings on the situation they may be more inclined to respect the original marriage and be more sensitive .These are just my thoughts. If you do not like my blog feel free look and read elsewhere. This is my personal experiences, choices and views. Feel free to leave comments.