Keep it real

Asalaaamu-Alaikum world whats really good. Been having a good week at work and despite the snow have been having a good few days with Hassan. Lots of movie nights since too cold to go out and do much. Lots of things are on the horizon for this weekend, spring cleaning, lots of laundry, and grocery shopping. Also work on some projects for school. Fun fun fun. Been working out all week and have lost 5lbs yay! Doing a combination of Jillian michaels 30 day shred and hitting up the gym for some intense cardio. So anyways its so interesting how people paint a picture of themselves one way and then get in to something and are totally a different way. Let's just say Hassan is feeling bamboozled right about now. A lot of the things him and Denise agreed upon before hand, and things she said she was down with she is re-niggin on. Which I told him would happen. But sometimes people have to learn things the hard way and burn their hands before they know the fire is hot. Oh well I tried to help him out so he wouldnt be under a mountain of stress. Somehow mysteriously she has lost her job. They originally agreed that he would pay what little bit he could afford and she said she was fine with that. And when he could do more he would do more, maybe next year or so. So what a surprise now all of a sudden I have a job and Denise does not. But dont get it twisted nothing is changing over this way. Regardless of their financial situation , my money is mine. I know that may sound selfish but oh well. I still love Hassan and dont want him strugglin but he knows and admitting that marrying her was a mistake for many reasons. I think what it truly was is after Denise caught feelings, fell in love or whatever she started resenting the fact that she had to work and pay most of her bills and I did not. So "somehow" she ends up unemployed and expects Hassan to cover everything knowing good and well that wasn't the agreement. Needless to say Hassan is less than pleased. But I guess the good thing about all this is he has been so appreciative of me even more so. Often people dont realize how good they had it till they get something that is so different and way worse than what they had. Then suddenly they are doing everything in their power not to loose the jewel that was already before them. I dont know how all this is going to play out. But to feel bamboozle and misled very early on is not a good sign for success.

Anyways today has been truly a beautiful day, have gotten a lot accomplished :-) So the phrase for today is keep it real lol. Also I think some second wives come into the mix thinking they are replacing someone and thinking they are going to regulate things, and that they are the missing piece of what the husband has been searching for his whole life. (not all but this was the vibe I got from Denise) So when sh-t hits the fan and they realize "oh snap i'm not the wind beneath his wings" its a rude awakening. But that life. :-) hope everyone enjoys their weekend I know I will. And I forgot about fitna free Friday this week was crazy busy inshallah i will get back on board next week.

Not to the 2nd wives ..pt 2

Aslaamu-alaikum world. Jummah Mubarak! So the last post got a little heated so I was thinking to myself ok time to switch gears on this oh so cold Jummah Friday. But before I went on to the next topic , I wanted to give a synopsis of the previous and some do/donts. I was reading some of my older posts are realized I was very optimistic and positive in the pre-polygamy phase, now that it has hit the fan so to speak im like hmm oh snap. WTF. But maybe there is a way I can go back to my old awesome self.

Polygamy is not bad in itself, what makes it uncomfortable is how people handle the situation. Yes, there are 1st wives who are determined to make the 2nd miserable from the beginning as well as 2nds who think its all about them and want to make the first wife crazy.  So for normal non-crazy sisters who are trying to find some sort of peace in the scenario then these rules can apply.

• If you are interested in a brother who is married, have an open honest woman-to-woman talk. Let her know how you feel, how you want your future to be like, what you see your role and her role as. And how she really feels. Dont just take the mans word for it that the first is on the polygamy bandwagon. Hear it from the horse's mouth!
• If you realize she isnt on board with the idea,(Perhaps you get cursed out) as most women arent, step back make istaraka and look at think logically without emotions. Try to understand her point of view and then proceed. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel?
• If some magical way you and the first wife are friends, great. Value this friendship, and make sure your intentions are correct with this friendship. Do not friend her to get in good with the hubbie, or for her to confide in you of their problems. Understand your role in the mix.
• Polygamy is crazy hard, a mind breaking, heart wrenching situation. Know that your role will can and likely cause pain to the 1st or previous wives. Showboating, and trying to rub stuff in will only make you look foolish and insensitive. Have a heart. 
• Women are emotional creatures by nature, its ok to cry and show feelings. Don't try to "Jedi-mind-trick" your cowife to think she is crazy for having a hard time. 
• The husbands play a huge role in the mix and how the first wife even views the situation. If you started off shady with her husband. She may never trust you, like you, or befriend you. 
• Also 2nds are not the "bad guy" unless it was started in a shady manner then you are. So understand you are of value and dont give up rights just to be with a man. You also deserve better.  
• Also whether your a 1st, 2nd 3rd, single ect, know whatever problems you are dealing with Allah's plan for you is much bigger than that. Be thankful of whatever Allah has already given you in this life. And know that when your intentions are pure and sincere you will see the benefits of this. But if you start something will ill intentions no good can come from it.  

When in doubt, make lots of dua and istakara before any big moves.If you believe from the depths of your heart that the Allah wishes the best for you, then no matter what happens, you won’t be worried. As long as you know you’re taking the right action then no matter what the outcome is, you’ll surrender to it with peace. There’s nothing to be afraid of, because there is nothing better than being content with the knowledge that Allah is doing what is best for you..
Have a happy Friday yall!

Another thing I like to add, the previous post did get a little heated. As women we are emotional I know I am lol. Anything that I may have said that offended anyone or hurt there feelings I ask Allah to forgive me of that, that was so not my intention. I pray Allah continues to give me strength and wisdom to deal with this life. :-)
....Ok HAPPY FRIDAY!

Calling all 2nd , 3rd and 4th wives...

Aslaamu-alaikum world, whats really good? Hope everyone out there is doing well. I'm sitting here sipping on some oh so delicious french vanilla coffee and decided now was a good time to post some questions I have been pondering. Ok, so there is some rumors out there that there are some women that love polygamy and enjoy having a cowife, and they are besties and all that jazz lol. Of course this is not my situation, nonetheless I am curious about these bestie relationships. For those of you who are friends with the cowife, how did you come to this point? Were you friends before or after many catfights did you decide its better to be a lover than a fighter? LOL? In previous posts when I was still rather naive to the reality of this, I mentioned that I thought me and Snipes may one day be friends or at least have a working relationship. Well I defiantly do not feel this way anymore. Me and Snipes have a hate-hate relationship, and that's fine it works for us. LOL. I am not interested in anything about her, the things that I have been told by Hassan just cause more room for fitna. And I really feel the hubbie's really should watch what they say about each wife, because before they know it their awesome home will be turned into a fitna factory , and nobody wants all that drama.

Some questions I had for some of the consecutive wives out there, 2nd , 3rd ect, is if and when you find out that the other previous wife is having a hard time, going through a lot of pain because of the situation do you feel bad at all? Do you feel at all somewhat responsible for her heartache? Or are you simply like, oh well thats life ..she kick rocks and keep it moving? I really am convinced Snipes doesn't feel bad at all, but I know everyone , and everybody's situation is different.

Also another question for the consecutive wives, when the hubbie leaves to go be with the first wife how are you dealing with this? Are you ok with this because this is something you willingly got yourself into. Or are you struggling with this as well? This is open to all cowives to respond I really would like some feedback on this. Was doing some reading and was really wondering about some of these questions. So second wives and 3rd please respond, nobody is judging over here. I am not going to flame you, like I said before I dont have a problem with 2nd, and 3rd wives just Snipes lol.
Gotta go workout now ..looking forward to feedback on this :-)

Note to the 2nd wives..pt. 1

Note to the potential 2nd wives, concubines, mistresses, girlfriends, and anyone considering polygamy. Polygamy is HARD, hard , HARD, hard, HARD, hard, super duper hard...oh did I say hard? Hmm what a shocker.With that in mind a few things to consider before deciding to take the plunge : (Disclaimer; the following is harsh, I know because I wrote it lol. But it is honest and needs to be said. The truth can be a jagged little pill to swallow. If it offends anyone sorry this wasn't my intention.)

1. IF  the brother tells you his wife is "ok" with it 9 times out of 10 she is probably not.  Talk with her if at all possible to see what her views are. After all it is HER family you will be a part of. 
2. If the brother tells you he can marry you only if it is a secret marriage, and his wife will flip if she finds out. DO NOT MARRY HIM! If he doesn't respect his current wife enough to have an adult conversation of a life changing decision, why would you think he will suddenly become Mr. wonderful and respect you and take all your opinions into consideration later?
3. If a brother says he wants to marry you, BUT he can only marry you if you pay your own bills, DO NOT MARRY HIM. He should be able to provide equally. Why give up your rights just to be married? Why even get married ? Now is the time to get in touch with your inner gold-digger, what can he bring to the table? Remember the saying "I can do bad by myself", keep that in mind.
4. If marrying a brother will not improve your current financial AND spiritual situation, DO NOT MARRY HIM.
5. If a brother wants to marry you but says only if you are on Govt. assistance, DO NOT MARRY HIM.
6. If a brother wants to marry you but flat out tells you he will not/cant not give you equal time, do not marry him.
7. If the brother is unable to provide you with health insurance, and dental, do not marry him. 
8. If a you want to marry a brother and he is a NEWLYWED, do not MARRY HIM. Let him and his wife build a foundation with each other. Think of how YOU'D Feel..think of hmm the other sister and think how she might feel during this time. There are other fish in the sea. 
9. Find out for certain how he is taking care of his 1st family, are their needs being met? If he is on govt assistance and hasn't worked since he was 16 do you think he will get a magical job just to support you? Probably not.
10. If you have been having a haram relationship with the brother, and you think the brother will suddenly become Mr.Pious and do everything according to sunnah after you marry , think again. If you have already lowered your standards as well as morals and accepted whatever he was willing to give you. Do not be fooled to think he will suddenly respect you and give you all your rights and put you on a pedestal.Umm no lol not going to happen.
11. If you think the 1st wife will automatically be "ok" with it because she has been Muslim x number of years, think again. Regardless of how long someone has been Muslim, a polygamous lifestyle is very difficult to adapt to. There are also lots of social stigmas to overcome depending on the community. Reaching out to the first wife and having an open honest conversation can help smooth the transition period, as well as being patient and respectful.
12. Expect resistance to the situation by the first wife and possibly others. You may or may not get cursed out. This situation will likely test everyone in ways they never thought possible. The situation will likely cause people to say/do things out of character. Be prepared for the unexpected. 
13. If and when you get cursed out /and or into a confrontation with the first wife, or others in community about this, keep in mind this is a choice for you. And for most first wives something forced upon them. Be sensitive and put yourself in her shoes. A positive reaction to any confrontation can go a long way.Taking jabs at her character, home, lifestyle ect will only cause more fitna. And will cause the husband to re-evaluate the situation to see if YOUR a good fit in the first place.
14. Be honest with yourself. You may bring some good things to the table. But he also married his 1st wife for specific reasons. Many of which could be completely opposite of why he is interested in you. So know you will not replace her, but will be an addition to what he already has. 
15. Do not be so naive to think you will/can be having a monogamous relationship with a married man. LOL This is an oxymoron. Both lives will intersect at some point. Be prepared for this.
16. Make a lot of dua, prior during, after. Dua all the time.  
17. If you get married and become a 2nd wife, do not expect a wedding present or any type of congratulations from the first wife.  If you by some mysterious surprise you actually get a wedding present and its food. DO NOT EAT IT. It may or may not be laced with laxatives. lol 

* These are just my thoughts feel free to comment, laugh or whatever lol.*