Cant wait to hate you..

Asalaamu-alaikum world. Whats really good. So people keep asking me ."whats up with you updating your blog." So I decided to post and to stop leaving folks in suspense lol. Lately I have been listening to this song "I cant wait to hate you." Mariah Carey. LOVE IT! Its my new theme song. Ok blog updated happy now? lol I would post the youtube link but everyone knows how to google it. So i wont. But, sometimes with all of this you have to distance yourself from the madness blogging all the time sometimes hurts more than it helps. But on a positive note i am loving my job it is very slacker friendly. And actually have wrote out a curriculum for myself of Islamic studies for work. lol. OK have a good weekend.
( lyrics..)
once upon a time, we swore not to say goodbye
something got a hold of us and we changed
then you sat alone in pride
and I sat at home and cried
how'd our fairytale just end up this way

we went round for round til' we knocked love out
we were laying in the ring, not making a sound
and if that's a metaphor of you and I
why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can't wait to hate you
make you, pain like i do..
still can't shake you off..
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes..
seems like such a loss cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you, down so low
there's no place left to go..

I can't wait to hate you..

love is, was a love phenomenon no one could explain
and i wish, i could press reset and feel that feeling again
i sit and press rewind and watch us every night..
wanna pause it, but i can't make it stay

no need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
a matter a fact, I think I'm moving away (away)
sorry, the frustrations got me feeling awake
and i just keep having one last thing to say
and i just wanna hold you, touch you,
feel you, be near you, i miss you baby baby baby..
I'm tired of tryna fake through, but there's nothing I can do..
boy I can't wait to hate you..

I can't wait to hate you.. baby..

I can't wait to H.A.T.E.U.
Cuz right now i need you
I Can't wait to let you go

Omg I never thought...

Hey world what is really good? Everything around my home today seems so ...quiet. Not sure if that is really a good thing or not. I have been so busy lately with work and business and haven't really had time to post. The last few days have been emotional to say the least, but now I am just feeling very nonchalant. I was talking to my sister earlier about things that I never even thought of that would change as a result of all of this. Omg I so should write a tell all book lol about this confusion circle polygamy love/hate triangle. Seriously ...girls I dont know how I'm still here and not up in the loony bin trying sell wooden nickles. Every option in this situation is hard. Nothing is easy, and not saying monogamous marriages have no problems , but just saying that when you are forced in polygamy either road you take to leave or stay is hard and painful. Since someone hasnt published any book on everything that changes the relationship when brothers start adding folks to the team, I decided now would be a good time to give short list of things. And before I do let me just say any man who tells his wife "nothing will change" is lying. For instance , lets say you live in the U.S, perhaps New york, Ohio, Mi, Colorado, Washington , Rhode Island, Maine or any ice cold frosty the snowman state; and there is a blizzard. Now lets say ol' boy is over the other ones house and you are snowed in. Hmmm what to do? Go outside and freeze your ass off and get to diggin? Say eff it and make snow angels?  Well my friends this is the situation I now find myself in. It has snowed , power is flickerin in and out like its poltergeist up in here .. its crazy and Hassan is nowhere to be found. This is the type of mess you never even think about, and when it happens you're the one pissed and mad lookin around for something to break lol. So I really dont know what I am going to do in the morning. Its a winter wonderland I could probably build frosty the snowman and his whole generation in my front yard with the snow that is covering my car alone. I have to go to work...I cant really call in. But the crazy part is im not even mad, surprised how calm I am considering it will take a good 2 hrs to shovel all that snow. Times like this it would be good to have a kid or at least some teenager around I could put to work. You should be able to rent kids if you dont have any lol . Now that's a good business idea. One of yall better jump on that and make some money. Ok so thats #1 . on the list of things that suck and change when your husband gets other people on the team. All this household maintenance stuff, lawn,shoveling snow, taking out trash, killing spiders all that crap is not in my job description as a wife. I haven't been doing it and I refuse to do it now.

Anyways so much changes, besides the fact that its hard to be friends with a man who betrays you. The whole level of communication and privacy is destroyed. Ok i'm done for now not tryin be all debbie downer but its time for me to change tone and do something positive.Next post i will add more to the "omg I never thought _ list" Gotta work on the master plan whatever that may be.

Curiosity Killed the cat

Hey whats really good world?? Ok so before I go into the details of this post let me just say that I am generally against any illegal activities, however sometimes there comes a point in your life when you have to bend the rules lol. Ok so Pin Cushion had me thinking and I also wanted to share something that happened recently. So we all know that spying is not good, it may or may not be haram. LOL  I'm not going to debate that, just as a general rule of thumb you shouldn't spy on others. Let me also just say that stress, and confusion circle situations often cause people to act out of character and do some off the wall mess that they might not normally do if they were in their right mind. Case in point checking husbands cell phones, or email, or browser history. No good can really come from this. For one, if you see something shady, or a message to the potential or current cowife, this will just piss you off and likely send you into a rage and want to break things. Which is not good. I think most women at some point in her life has gone through her man's stuff. Whether it be a cell phone, pocket, laptop, car, briefcase...it has been done. And for that small percentage of women out there who may not fit into this category...well either 1. you have some serious self control and kudos to you. Or 2. give yourself time it will happen :-)

For some strange reason spying is so fun. I mean I know I just said its not good and you shouldn't do it, which I still agree about. But, if by chance you somehow accidentally by no fault of your own, find yourself spying you get such an adrenaline rush...or so I'm told lol. So here is part 2 of this post. So there is this girl, lets just say for argument sake her name is Jaiyana, she is married to a guy name Hassan who is also married to a girl named Denise. So one day Jaiyana gets the bright idea "hmm I wonder what their house is like." So somehow she gets the exact address of Denise's house/apartment. No she didn't stalk Hassan and follow him over there. Ok so anyways, she then ponders hmm maybe it will be a fun idea to go over there while Denise is at work and just take a look around. Maybe leave a few things out of place LOL. Ok so technically going into someone's home uninvited is for some strange reason a crime in this country...hmm yea "breaking and entering" i think is what they call it. LOL.So this story "allegedly happened". I guess the whole love thy neighbor doesn't apply. So anyways Jaiyana "allegedly" lol gets the key off of Hassan's key ring and decides to make a trip over to the new place. Now I know some of you are reading thinking OMG she has finally lost it...the pressures of it all have been too much. Ok once again before I go any further with this story, let me just emphasize again that I am not promoting any illegal activities and plead the 5th if for some strange reason I am questioned about my whereabouts lol.

Ok, so back to the story at hand. So Jaiyana goes over the H&D's apartment armed with latex gloves so she wont leave any finger prints. She pulls up to the complex..parks at the next building in order to not look suspicious. She then gets out her car and walks to the apartment. But to her surprise she sees Denise's car parked . WTF? It was the middle of the day, what is Denise doing home, doesn't she have a job or something. So once again Denise has ruined everything lol and the plan has been foiled for now. I mean after all Jaiyana couldn't just go inside knowing Denise was there, that would be a cat fight for sure. So the plan was a bust. But at least now Jaiyana has a key to the other house in case of emergencies, lol you never know what could happen.

I wrote this post to let people know that you really never know what you will do in a situation until you are smack dab in the middle of that mess. And then you are still confused like ...huh? what the???? Also stress, curiosities, insecurities, frustration, anger, can cause people to really act out of character. I know I am not perfect, I am work in progress. Inshallah one day I will be dealing with this 1000x better than I am right now. But who knows when that day will come. Also I have a question for my awesome readers, you dont have to incriminate yourself buy telling your business . But just curious if you feel my actions were justified. Well technically I didn't do much but go and park and go for a walk. But lets say she wasn't home and I went inside. Hmm..? What would you do if you had access to the other woman's house. Would you go there? Would you be curious? And this is all on the bases of if you and her dont get along at all ...and if yall met in the streets it would be a problem for sure lol. If you two are already besties and do each others hair while eating cookies and drinking tea..then this need not apply to you. So...am I the only crazy one? Who else is with me on this ..on team crazy? LOL ok later guys and dolls. Need to handle some things.

Emotional Rollercoaster pt.2

What's really good world?? Hope everyone is having a beautiful day/night where ever they may be. So as some of you may have noticed I have different labels for the post. (---> to the right) This one appropriately in the transition category. But really , I have been thinking does a woman ever fully transition? And WTF is transitioning anyway? I mean how do you go from (in my case) being the #1 Trophy wife...to sharing your man and somehow being ok with it?? I dont know but it is really eff up. I guess I am feeling this way because I am over the whole "honeymoon stage" we have been having since I came back. The realness of it all is sinking in and sucking. Seriously it doesnt matter how much he is nice to me because bottom line he is still with Denise half of the week. There is no point of trying to understand his way of thinking and logic because the whole scenario never made sense. Was at the gym earlier and listening to this Drake song ..and I was like wow yea I can relate.

"And he lives in a mindset that I could never move to
Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you"

 I really feel Hassan's whole way of thinking is so foreign to my own. His desire for other woman to be on the team I feel is a subconscious need for approval from others. He's still finding himself, but somehow thinks he has time, energy, and stamina for everyone else. Woo--saaa! This was his game plan from the beginning, so really I never was his wife, just a pawn in his sick twisted game. I know its an eff up thing to say. But this is how I am feeling right now, so oh well it is what it is. You cant be strong everyday. What really irks me is these so called muslim woman who are ok with devastating families and ruining marriages just so they can get a piece. That's really not cool. But what goes around comes around and Karma is a B-tch! oh well. But on a good note I did have a amazing workout at the gym 45 mins of cardio 20 mins weights! People who have been in polygamy far longer than me, always talk about how you have to get used to a "new normal" ...but who wants to do that. I think nobody really. The messed up part about all of this is its really black in white. Either roll with the punches or get the eff out the ring. There is no gray area. And unfortunately some second wives out there get married to the husband with the hopes/idea that the 1st will do just that and bounce. I've been through a lot of stuff in my life and would generally consider myself a strong person, but this really ...is more difficult than ANYTHING i have ever been through in my entire life. I was reading that "monogamy to polygamy" book again and wanted to share some common side effects of polygamy for those out there that are in the pre-phase and bout to loose their good mind ..your not alone lol. This is what this book calls Phase 1. Depression , the initial reaction. There are 3 phases listed.( Phase 2 self-anger/doubt, Phase 3 Growth/Change) . I think perhaps a woman goes back and forth thru Phase 1-2 until she somehow magically reaches the Phase 3 , which is the land of unicorns and sugar plum fairies.

So anyways Phase 1 Depression: Emotional shock, numbness disbelief, crying, yelling, hitting, silence, feelings of betrayal, intense anger , fear, exhaustion, denial, excessive sleeping, mood swings, rage, loss of self-control, actions (lol hitting, throwing objects, uncontrollable tears) hurt/sadness, reality sets in, loss of appetite, anxiety, nervous and jumpy, contradicting feelings, lethargy, sluggish feeling, dazed remote and distant in actions and behavior. 
So I just wanted to list the phase 1 for anyone going through this also and feeling like wtf is up with me or feelin bipolar lol. Supposedly 75% of women admit to going  through these emotional changes during this time. I guess the other 25% have already been brainwashed into thinking they are getting their golden ticket so they suck it up with a smile from day one lol. Who knows I am only guessing lol. But anyways time for me to get some work done. Later guys and dolls.

The muslim girlfriend

Hey whats really good world? Its crazy early in the wee hours of the morning around here. I guess it would be a good thing if I got some sleep, but fajr is almost in so i guess I will just stay up. So whats on my mind?? Well even though I am trying to be positive and move forward in the land of unicorns, sugar plum fairies and golden tickets this is still the hardest thing I have ever ..ever..ever had to do. Some days like today I just feel like saying eff' it! Like seriously even though Hassan complains about her, and is always irritated when he comes from over there, and even though he texts me all night when he is with her...It still sucks. Because bottom line is no matter how much she may or may not suck, no matter how bad her cooking may be or how tacky her wardrobe may "allegedly" be lol ..that girl Denise is still his wife. He is still married to her and still leaves me to go spend time (regardless of how boring) with her. 

I really dont feel like a wife anymore. Maybe this is my hormones talking because I am PMS'n who knows, but that's how i am feelin today. Like even though I have never been privy to the dunya lifestyle of "live in girlfriends" that's how I feel. Like I feel like my wifey status has been taken...like some thief in the night has ram-shacked my home and took my Trophy wife crown and everything that came with it lol. Seriously I feel like I am playing wife. I have a friend (really sweet non-muslim girl) whom I've known since high school and through college. In college she got engaged and moved in with her boyfriend,(well almost she spend some nights still at her dorm) her parents were pissed to say the least. They told her she was playing house and didn't approve. This is how I feel , like I am a live in girlfriend. And its starting to get old. I just dont see or feel stability in this situation. Even though Hassan loves me and has really being trying to make a comeback and treat me like the queen I am, I am feeling like whats the point dude. Like seriously, what's the point of me cooking cleaning , looking fly, doing laundry, being his personal assistant, masseuse, and private dancer if he is just going to continue to go to be with Denise every few days. This whole arrangement really seems quite pointless.I think I am going to try being celibate and me and Hassan can just be roommates for awhile.

Sorry if I am being all Debbie Downer or whatever but I am just keepin it real. Yes, I do have more freedom with this scenario love triangle confusion circle of polygamy. But me and Hassan never had the type of relationship where he would try to hold me back and control me or restrict me in anyway. I was always free to do whatever I wanted. If anything I have been the controlling one in the relationship. LOL. Days like this it is really hard to see the silver lining in the f'up storm. Like really how is this benefiting me in any kind of way? I mean I am all for sharing and caring, but to share the person you have waited your life for with someone who is crazy and spiteful is so not my cup of tea. I am so with anny w/att on devising a master plan to bounce. I really dont blame sistas at all who have to throw up a peace sign. It is truly super hard. And no I am not trying to discourage anyone out there, everyone is grown and can make their own choices, just saying I wouldn't choose this again if I had a do-over. Now is a good time to start planning my exit strategy. Who knows where this journey will  take me , but I really am not liking this AT ALL.

Grant it, when Hassan spends time with me its usually awesome, we dont argue we truly just enjoy each others company. But the time apart, no matter how many activities, you fill your day with there is still that void of no husband. Perhaps if I had a house filled with bebe kids I would be so preoccupied with them or so drained to even notice that the husband wasn't there. Or by the time I did notice or care, I'd be so tired and ready to fall asleep on any comfy place I could find, so it wouldn't matter. ..Ugggh I really cant stand selfish people. I think its time to start looking for a 2nd husband, Hassan might have to get replaced lol. Guess I will have to get my golden ticket some other way LOL.

Mourning every morning

 

Hey everyone hope all is well out there. This is a poem I wanted to share, I wrote it some time ago and was reading it again and realized how far I have come from this point.  Like Erykah Badu says "I'm an artist so im sensitive about my sh*t." LOL so be nice with the comments. 

Mourning Every Morning

Every morning I am mourning the death of our marriage

The life as I knew it...suddenly taken from me

Everything I once had.. gone that I cherished

And for what? So you could live some fantasy?

They say time heals all wounds…

So I’ve put out an APB on Time..so I can find me time soon

I’m bruised and bandaged heart’s tattered and torn

Every ounce of energy is trying to keep these tornado insides from showing

Guess I figured the pain is easier to manage if no one is knowing

Like somehow the thought of being exposed is worse than the reality

What would others think that somehow I failed you in this capacity?

That my love wasn’t enough; you needed more than I could give

What a weight on my shoulders …and this is the life you choose to live?

I dread the night…avoid it like the plague

Stay up till fajr just so I won’t have to sleep alone in our cold empty bed

The sound of your heartbeat used to be the only thing that lulled me to sleep

Now without it I am restless

Dreams so lost they become meek

Do you realize how difficult this test is?

Silence screams so loud it speaks volumes, a constant reminder you’re gone

Everywhere I turn the absence of your laughter greets me

Unable to share a joke or an embrace or a kiss spontaneously

My world is rattled…spirit shaken trying to cling to some normalcy

Everyday feelin a cacophony of emotions that stir in my dreams and wake me

up like Folgers in the morning

And through all this you tell me you love me

As if a four letter word can fix a heart broken this badly

I need to punch someone

 (WARNING THIS POST MAY OR MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR GOOD GIRLS )

Aslaamu-alaikum world. Hmm this sucks . Like ok, the whole sharing is caring ..that crap is for the birds. Yes I know I have said this before and I will likely say it again. Ok everything was going swell today(Denise's day), just peachy..still high off life feeling awesome.  Until Hassan decided to come by to get somethings from the house. So he comes in and I'm looking like my normal fly self. So he is looking sexy as usual his swagger is on point. So I'm thinking to myself. Now is a good time for a quickie. Yes, i know he had to go over to Denise's, and he was already running late,but oh well I have needs. So he says NO he needs to go and would have to take a shower and then he would be like all extra late, and doesn't feel like hearing her mouth. So what! who cares dag nabit! I have needs. Sorry to be graphic on this post, I'll censor more in the in up coming posts I promise lol. But i am just so frustrated right now. So I tell Hassan I am getting a second husband and he can kick rocks. Needless to say he was less than pleased lol and says "babe why are you trippen, i'll be back tomorrow." What? Trippen you haven't seen trippen just you wait lol.

Uggh ok , so I am not all for any type of violence nor am I an advocate of domestic abuse in anyway....But LOL I so wanna punch Hassan and Denise right now. Uggh seriously, nights like this your realize how sharing sucks. Perhaps if i was older or had a bunch of bebe kids running around, I might not have the energy I do or the drive. But things are different and Hassan knew how I was long ago. Men can be so stupid sometimes. If woke up a man I would just slit my wrist lol end it all. (I am so joking) Ok maybe some of the seasoned older sisters out there can help a girl out. What do you do on nights like this???? This is the first night since I have been back that I have really felt mad about this whole trifecta love triangle of polygamy. I know ,granted I would be pissed if it was my "night" and I found out he went over her house to get something and got busy while he was there and tried to come home all innocently. BUT, I really feel like since this whole scenario wasn't a choice that I would have willingly made, so he should be more accommodating to me. Also I am still shocked and confused Hassan has turned me down. "No" is not a word I am used to hearing from him so its still quite foreign to my ears lol. I really was shocked and appalled that he would even say no to me. Like who does he think he is? So he is all like "babe you know I really want to be here with you, but I cant." blah blah blah. Whatever dude. Even though I like my "me time" and not having to be forced to watch Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday and Thursday  night football lol.. I do miss the spontaneity of our relationship. If I have needs I want them serviced. So I told Hassan he better not go over there and try to get some action. He says "ok babe i wont, i'm tired and gonna go to bed." Whatever dude! I really would only recommend polygamy to older couples, young hotties like myself hmm wowzers...lets just say there are so many struggles and changes that you would have never EVER expected. Maybe is a good time to channel some positive vibes and try to maintain some inner peace before I snap lol. Uggh ok venting is officially over returning to my happy place.

New Year New Look

Aslaamu alaikum world! Hope all is well out there. So as you can see I have decided to change the layout. New year new look. I figured that because I am also planning on doing so many changes with my life this year, I might as well give the blog a makeover since I am doing a internal makeover as well. Last year was a drama fest which really took a toll on me spiritually and physically. Drama causes way to much stress and stress can wreak havoc on the fabulosity in your life. So the one month away trip to see my family was so needed and a blessing in disguise in so many ways. Part of my soul makeover for this year is to study more Quran, not that I was a complete slacker last year but you can always read more. Also I am going to try my hardest this year not to backbite others and remain positive. I think lol this will likely be the hardest struggle. I am not a mean person I promise but some people just have a way of getting under you skin. Maybe I'll take up a boxing class or something to channel some of that negative energy and anger lol. Dikr/ Zikr everyday also is so important in the maintaining a calm mood. At least for me, so many times when certain people were on my last nerve, doing zikr really was one of the only things that allowed me to not spaz out and get in touch with my inner Ghetto-girl. LOL Since I am planning on doing a spiritual makeover, I also plan on limiting TV watching as well. Of course I really cant cut out all TV gotta love criminal minds and Grey's Anatomy but no more Real Housewives, or Kardashians ...at least for now lol. I decided to also do a sugar cleanse. I love sugar and am self proclaimed chocolate lover and sweet tooth junkie. So this will likely be hard, but too much sugar in your body can really jack you up and leave you looking like a fatty girl, and nobody wants that. Also plan to start back volunteering. Volunteering is so rewarding and often reminds us of our own situation and how we are blessed with what we have. I really would love to learn a new language this year.  The Rossetta stone is awesome software,..but its crazy expensive I dont know what they are thinking but nobody around these parks is paying $400 just to say can you pass the bread in french! But anyways another thing related to this soul makeover is Iqram. I have realized that certain people in this love triangle aka Denise have little to no Iqraam when it comes to others. Snap is that backbiting by saying this? So many rules, lol so little time. But this post just reminded me of this whole schedule thing and how it is still needs to be changed. And the funny thing about people and Iqram level is the whole premise of polygamy is "want for your sister what you want for yourself." and all that love and happiness golden ticket business. So naturally you would think it would make since for 2nd people who come on the team to actually have a high level of Iqram for their muslim sister.? Right ...umm no, maybe in a perfect world but not in this confusion circle.  Hmmm anyways just saying. ok Later guys and dolls . Enjoy your day!

Prayer, positivity, and Perspective pt 2

Aslaamu-alaikum world. So these last few days have been amazing, kinda surprisingly amazing. Hassan and I seem to be back in snyc. Plan to take things one day at a time and keep my mind focused on my master plan. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake factory the other night and it was soo good. I love, love, love their cheesecake, they seriously have the best cheesecake in the world. I got the red velvet cheesecake omg so good.We had a long talk the first night I got back about making our time together quality time, not just time. In life some people you spend time with , others you invest time in. Hassan and I decided to always try to invest time in each other. He said he felt abandoned when I left lmao, sure whatever dude. But its cute he's being more open with his feelings.I kinda like it.

Even though he has Denise  now, I still see him everyday. This may change later, but for now its cool arrangement. I decided to stop calling Snipes, Snipes and go back to Denise. Snipes has a negative meaning and I am trying to be all about the positive and moving forward. Thinking negatively will not help anything. But anyways on Denise's nights, I really thought I would feel like an emotional wreck, at least that's what I was expecting. I was expecting to come back, and having Hassan leave to go with #2 and me crying in the fetal position or shaking my fist at the sky screaming WHY!! LOL. But that seriously hasn't happened. I am kinda shocked and surprised at myself at how I am taking everything. I was seriously thinking on the first night he left "wait for it, wait for it ...tears..drama fest...some choice curse words for Hassan on his way out."..lol but no nothing. I think partly a reason why I dont get so angry because I  dont feel any jealously towards her. Hassan pays all my bills, gives me money for things, the financial scale is very unbalanced in my favor. But that's life what can you do LOL. On her nights I have been really relaxing and enjoying some me time. Working out, reading, having a Grey's Anatomy marathon or ordering some chick flicks on demand. So far so good.

He really seems to be trying to make this work since I have been back. He's been complimenting me alot, and being a sweetheart. Its only been a week but this was a different tune than when I was gone. This is likely due to him seeing me after all this time and thinking to himself, "stop smoking crack and treat her like the queen she is before you lose her." or something along those lines lol. Its funny because now Hassan is thinking of changing the scheudle because he is getting "tried" and "dizzy" from running back and forth between houses. You know what I say to that, oh well. This is the lifestyle you wanted to so deal with it. I really have no sympathy towards him in that regard lol. I dont think it will ever come a time when I will feel bad for him or comfort him for being tired of "maintaining two homes" . Actually I get a kick out of it, like seriously dude what did you think this would be a cakewalk? Umm no, tough it up. LOL. Ok maybe I am mean, or harsh but that's life.

But anyways the whole point of this post was because I am feeling very positive right now. Through any difficult time in life we always have to remember to make lots of dua, and keep up our prayers. Allah is the maintainer, the bestow-er of happiness, not anyone else. Cant miss any salats, prayer is so calming. This morning after fajr Hassan and I had taleem together, we plan on having taleem every fajr and maghrib we are together. A wise woman once said to me "Allah never gets overwhelmed" so true. In life we may face challenges, get overwhelmed , but we always must bring things back to Allah and why we are here. This life is temporary. And no, Hassan didn't promise me any golden tickets for saying this. LOL. He can never give me anything more than what Allah has already given me. Peace of mind. Joy. There are many people around me facing different hardships in life, some of which are so sad I would never ever want to trade places. Allah tests us with different things. We have to remember, this life is just one big test. Inshallah we will pass. Also I dont want people getting the idea or impression that Hassan is a bad guy. Yes, he has done some  things that make me want to punch him in the throat and key his car, lol but to dislike someone, you are also disliking the good Allah has also put in them. Moving forward trying to be positive, there is a lot of good in him. Hope everyone has a good week ahead!

Oh yeah ..bouncing back!

Aslaamu-Alaikum world , so what's really good today. I contemplated on whether or not I should delete the previous post since it sounds all down and whatever...But I figured I better keep it up. I didnt start this blog to create a false impression of polygamy or to candy coat everything. Because if and when you are going thru it , and looking for info, its best to have truthful info. Instead of muslimas telling you everything is back warm and fuzzy instantly and you are doing everything possible still to gain your golden tickets in the land of unicorns and sugar plum fairies lol. Gotta keep it real! So ANYWAYS LOL..

 I am still visiting with my family, who have been so awesome Yesterday my mom and sister and I went shopping and I got some new cute tops but didnt have time for the extensive shopping I really wanted so plan to hit up the mall again this week and do some damage. I think there is likely some cute boots out there calling my name. It would be only right for me to find them and give them a good home lol..
So yes there are highs and lows and I am defiantly feeling high off life right now. I made istakara and feel positive. I will move forward and proceed with positivity and trying to maintain tranquility in my life and marriage. This is something Allah has decreed for me right now I will move forward until Allah has decreed me something else to do.

My sister and I stayed up and talked to the wee hours of the morning eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking tea. Yummy. And today I got some great feedback of some jobs back home I am interested in so inshallah I will land something promising. Before anyone says anything crazy or dumb lol I want to go back to working full-time. I still wont be contributing to any of the household bills, but I think the added social interaction and experience will be nice and keep me more focused on myself. Hassan isnt forcing me to work nor will I ever give him money to help Snipes. Sorry but if he wanted her he is gonna have to do whatever it takes to maintain her lol. Not my problem oh well lol.

In other awesome news, I was listening to some new lectures lately and really feel hyped about moving forward bettering myself. There are these muslim hiphop dudes from UK on youtube that have some good videos. Maybe I will give a link  if i feel like it. Looking forward to the new year for some big changes. Allah has control over all things, and when we fully submit to the will of Allah we can truly see the benefits and blessings that will follow.

In some other funny news lol Hassan tells me him and Snipes arent getting along LOL. Oh well. I guess Hassan is thinking me and him are friends so he can confide in me when he is feeling stressed. But he was, but I really didnt feel bad for him. Really she should be living it up over there, I'm gone and she has him all to herself ...for now. But now, she is complaining a lot and stressing him about "dumb petty stuff." LOL oh well. Dont know why but I did find a little comfort in him telling me this lol. But anyways hope everyone has had an awesome Monday I know I have. Keep hope alive yall!

Heart for sale...any takers?

Asalaamu-alaikum world. Everything feels so heavy today. I got up today , 2nd day after making istakara about this whole situation and how to proceed and just felt so blah. I had to run some errands, started the usual "getting ready routine." So I'm in the mirror doing my makeup , just eyeliner really and I had a flashback or whatever you wanna call it of "What's love got to do with it." In that moment, I felt like Tina Turner, well Angela Basset playing Tina turner in the scene where she just got her ass beat by Ike and she is in the mirror fixing her face because she has to go out on stage and preform. That's how I felt, like I had to go out in the world and preform put on some sort of mask and pretend that I'm actually coping "normally" whatever that means, and I am doing alright. But truth of the matter is, I'm not alright. I feel like my heart has been ripped out my chest and went toe to toe 5 rounds with Mike Tyson. And although Hassan has never physically abused me or even called me out my name, I feel like my heart has been damaged irreparably. That's the part I think he really doesn't get.

Most days I still want to say in bed and sleep in till Asr. I know that's bad but its real, that's how it is. If one more person ask me "how am I doing." I think I am going to scream. How would YOU be doing if the supposedly love of your life decided the wanted to marry another woman and expecting you to go along for the ride? I'm guessing not good, duh. I really dont get people. And I know people mean well, my family has been awesome and supportive, but they too keep asking me "So what are your plans, what are you going to do if/when you get back?" Who the hell knows. Like seriously this has been the hardest, mindbending, migraine inducing , stress fest situation I have ever had to deal with. There is no handbook on how to be happy in polygamy. Even these so called books out there seem to offer little assistance that works in the real world. People expect you to just be able to roll out your prayer rug and be fine. "its his right" "It's halal.". Seriously if i hear that b.s one more time I am gonna snap. Women have rights to, and the right to be happy trumps all of that. At least for me it does.

I have been dealing with this for months, and I was hoping by now I'd be ok back to my awesome normal self but im not. I think its extremely unfair that one should have do endure months, maybe years of heartache just so some other woman and My husband can live some little fantasy dream. Perhaps in other countries where it is more common and the mindset of the society is that of  collectivism rather than the individualism, it would be easier. However, in the States the society is one that generally promotes individualistic thinking, and supports relationships that built around that. When you grow up in a culture that emphasizes individualism it allows people to have their own goals, focus more on themselves than others, but it also can make for a cut throat society. Such things as polygamy is best practiced in my opinion where the society as a whole has a frame work built on working together. I dont feel its an Western mindset, or being caught up in western views, how I feel.. it is what is it. People in other countries think and view things one way based on society norms and customs, and muslim Americans view things differently. There is nothing wrong or bad about it, but it is what it is.

I am really not trying to be all "Debbie downer" (SNL) today lol , but the bottom line is this crap is F'd up. So much changes in a relationship when a man decides he wants to get a side piece. The whole dynamic changes, trust, respect, communication, intimacy. And for what? For any men out there that are reading, its so not worth it. Every man that I have ever talked with about polygamy (older dudes with wisdom) says they regret it. So yes today so far is sucking. I am just tired of dealing, tired of being drained. Perhaps I'm grieving the life I used to have. I think i'm going to make salat and take a nap. It takes too much energy to function..lol sleep is much easier. I may take a break from blogging, it can be overwhelming at times. Initially i started to help me deal, which it has but it is still too much to think about. Its easy for others to comment about your life, but when you are knee deep in some BS its much harder to make moves. And unless you have personally experienced the pain of being a 1st wife going thru polygamy you could never fully understand. Ugggh! people suck! Anyways..its nap time !  Later guys and dolls. Inshallah your day is better than mine.

Houston we have problem..lol maybe

Aslaamu-alaikum world , whats really good? So so much going on, so many decisions to make. Who knows what the future will be. One thing that I have been talking to my sisters about these last few days is... I DONT EVEN FEEL MARRIED. LOL Like right now I really feel free as a bird. I am not sure if this is a bad thing or not, but if some fine Muslim Shemar Moore lookalike hottie tried to holla I wouldn't even feel bad about giving out my number. I know this is bad right , because technically I am still married to Hassan, but it doesn't feel like it. lol . Let me clarify before anyone says anything crazy, I would never disrespect my relationship and do anything crazy like talking to another man.Nor would I do anything haram, regardless how I am feeling. But its just crazy how you really never know how much certain situations will effect you.. Not feeling married when you ARE is not good. Oh well. This is what happens when you are feeling unfulfilled in a relationship. If I were still in the same house as him I may not feel this way who knows. This break is allowing me what I need so changes are good. Time to reflect, get my mind right and live life happy. Life is far too short to be miserable, sad, depressed or in any prolonged state of non-fabulousity .

In other news, I'm  really excited for this week. Have lots of things planned and going to kick my workouts up a notch. Try to work on some real estate investments that are in the works as well as some other business deals. So inshallah this week will be very promising and rewarding! Also have a few good books on the reading list for this week.

• From Monogamy to Polygyny a way through . By Umm Abdur Rahman Hischfelder and Umm Yasmen Rahmaan
• When Muslim Marriage Fails By Suzy Ismail

So inshallah this week will be good. Inshallah I will be sure to give book reviews as I go along and when I finish.

What are you thankful for?

Aslaamu-alaikum. Hmmm...Whats up world? Hope everyone out here is doing good. So today most americans are celebrating Thanksgiving... eating lots of grub and trying to be thankful for something. So I was thinking, as muslims we are really supposed to be thankful to Allah everyday, however I still wanted to reflect today on what I am thankful for. Well...

I am thankful that I am so amazing. I am thankful that I dont know where Snipes lives because knowing may or may not give thought to bad ideas of keying cars. LOL.
I am thankful that I am dealing with this now, instead of 8 kids and 13 years later. I am thankful that I can throw up a peace sign at anytime. I am thankful for my education, Islamic and secular knowledge is power yall. I am thankful that my sense of style is effortlessly fabulous. I am thankful that my mom raised me with some good sense and strong head on my shoulders..so when I see some foolishness I can call it out. I am thankful for my awesome family, who continue to give me strength and courage to face each new day and challenge. I am so thankful that I am Muslim, otherwise this situation would have likely caused me to drinking ...and or possibly some other toxic behavior. LOL. I am thankful that whatever money I make I can keep 100% and do not have to pay any bills unlike Snipes. LOL . I am thankful that in this moment I dont hurt anymore. I am so thankful that I didn't key Hassan's car...lookin back that wouldn't have been a good idea. Prison blue...not my color. I am also thankful I did make those special brownies ...gotta get laughs in when you can. I am so thankful I took this much needed vacay to relax and regroup. I am thankful that I can honestly say I have did things according to the sunnah and how things are supposed to go down, so if I need to peace out..I will have no regrets.  I am thankful that through all this I have been true to myself and what I stand for. Dudes are crazy, life is crazy, and I never wanna lose myself in someone's  foolishness. I am thankful I stop myself after thinking of doing crazy stuff to Hassan. Its so not worth it. Its so not my fault he was dropped on his head a few dozen times and cannot appreciate the awesome jewel he was blessed with. I am thankful my Umi and Abu have awesome genes and produced some gorgeous children . (I'm not conceited i promise lol) I am thankful for my health and thankful for a new day to grow and learn what this life has to offer. I am thankful to my awesome gym..and the kickboxing class they offer LOL. I am thankful for the iSubha iphone app now I can track all the zikr I do!. I am thankful I dont pay my cell phone bill..or any other bill for that matter. I am thankful for starbucks and the awesome Carmel macchiato! I am thankful for my adorable nieces and nephews ..can love them and then send them back to their mommies!I am thankful for all the skills Allah has blessed me with. I am thankful for these awesome cupcakes I just made. What are yall thankful for ??

My Umi said shine your light on the World!!

"My Umi says shine your light on the world ..shine your light for the world to see." -Mos Def

Whats really good world? Wow so today has been interesting...and when I say interesting I mean borderline amazing! So as you all know I have been on vacay with the family and today I just had a overall awesome day. I spend some good quality time with my adorable nieces and nephew whom I rarely see and caught up on some reading, as well as make some big progress with some business plans I am working on. Feeling very accomplished today! This break has allowed me some time to reflect on life and love and my marriage and see things for how and what they are. Who knows how things will play out, whether me and Snipes will ever get along or will one day throw blows, but one thing for sure "operation restore happiness" is in full effect. Polygamy in many aspects is a very selfish act/practice at times. (not always but often) So as women its good to be selfish too. You dont have to change your whole personality or anything but just realize you should now spend most of your energy focusing on yourself, your happiness and your akirah. You better believe mr. wonderful no matter how awesome he may or may not be; isnt spending his nights thinking of you and how its affecting you. Neither is whomever your cowife is. So why think about them? I so do not. Hassan made a comment the other day, Snipes feels that "I always try to do things to F' with her head and make her mad on her days." WTF?? Really hmmm how about no. I can really care less about Snipes. Nobody is going out of there way to make her feel F' up. If she feels this way this has nothing to do with me. People really make me laugh sometimes. You go out and marry, a married man then have the nerve to get mad at me when other people in the community question your relationship or put you on blast.What the?? oh well , cant tell folks nothing. But anyways I'm not letting anyone Snipes or Hassan stop my shine. Whenever I decide to come back to Hassan it defiantly will be a new day lol. I am not gonna be mean or catty or anything just more self-absorbed lol. You have to do this sometimes. But anyways I am so looking forward to this week. My family really doesn't officially celebrate thanksgiving, because as Muslims thanksgiving is everyday. But we do plan to get together since everyone is off and still in town from Eid and have a big dinner. Inshallah I will make some cupcakes or cheesecake to bring. Cant wait to see my other nieces and nephews all together!

So glad I decided to take a break. So much more happiness and less drama when I am with my family. I do miss the quiet of my home, since now everywhere I go there are busy children lol. But I have to "do me".
"You can either dwell in the dark, or choose to shine your light." -Chief Weber Grey's Anatomy lol. I'm shinning my light all day long!

Eid Mubarak

Aslaamu-alaikum world. I have been on a blogging break for a few days. Sorting things out and planning for Eid. This Eid was AWESOME! Seriously this Eid al-adha was the best day I have had in a long time. Me and Hassan went to Eid prayer together. It was really nice, nice kutbah and lots of people. Also my outfit was so fly. It was custom made was looking gorgeous from head to toe. Hassan was getting so jealous because a lot of brothers here seriously dont know how to lower their gaze and was checking out me as I walked in. So now he is trying to be oh so nice. Complimenting me like crazy, telling me he loves me so much and all of this other sweet stuff. Hmm....whatever. The few days leading up to Eid was good. Yea he was actually trying be nice before the Eid, maybe trying see if he was getting a present..um no. lol. Later Eid day we had a nice date night and relaxed. Went to a movie and grabbed some dessert since we were both stuffed from earlier.  Things are getting back to normal but there is still so much I need to sort out and figure out. So I decided to take a break for awhile. So right now we are I guess separated while I visit my family for the holidays. He really didn't take me leaving to well and wanted me to stay and work on things, but I just cant not right now. Him and Snipes are already having problems, dont know why he tells me their business I tell him not to. But I dont even care right now, I'm like ok dude you wanted to be with Snipes, see how fun it is now, knock yourself out. Its really quite funny/sad depending on how you look at it lol, but he doesnt even come to her till crazy late at night on her nights 10-11pm! lol. And this is not my doing, this dude stays out on his own. Oh well cant tell folks nothing, people always want to "test the waters" ...those waters looking real muddy right about now lol.People dont miss the water till the well has gone dry. I am so over worrying about them. I plan to travel and focus on me for awhile. If he is lucky maybe i will eventually come back to him, and bring the light back to his life lol. Who knows, we shall see how things turn out. Hope everyone had a great Eid. I did. And am still celebrating there are parties all weekend long here that I plan to go to. No more tears over here !

You think you know, but you have no idea

Aslaamu-Alaikum world. I'm back. So much as gone on this week, its really been something like a whirlwind. Unbelievable, still very surreal this life. Through this week, I have seen so many posts/comments about what people would or wouldn't do, wouldn't tolerate ect ect. Making judgments, calling names, acting "holier than thou." Its very interesting all of this, the options, advice, questions, and answers for questions that I never even said, or asked for that matter. LOL Often when people are outside a situation it is easy for them to say what they would or wouldn't do, who is fair and who is not, and what should or shouldn't be tolerated. I get it, I've been that girl saying to myself years ago, "i would never be in polygamy, or would never let x,y z go down" But when you are smack dab right in the mix of a situation it is much more complicated than that. Much more complicated than you ever thought possible. You think or thought that if and when such situations presented itself you would have some magic blueprint of how to go about things. How things would turn right back around to become the life you've always imagined and just like that your situation would be "fixed". But this is so not the case. Honestly you never know what you would actually do in a situation until you are in that situation. You are not Miss Cleo, you cannot Jedi mind trick your way to controlling other people's thoughts. And even when you are in the situation you still have doubts, question your decisions, motives, feelings.
Life is complicated, this is very complicated, I wish there was some magic wand to simplify things and make the decisions I need to make clear as day, but its not.

I do appreciate the good advice/feedback. Some of it honestly I haven't even read. My brain has been far to fried to go thru all the messages. This is why some posts are still pending, some posts that prob need to be deleted also. This situation has been very revealing. Things about myself I have seen, new strengths that are surprising, and things about others. One thing I think one of the other posters said which really hit home (for got who said this) was during this process so much changes. And the thing I feel has changed so much already is my friendship with Hassan. I am no longer mad, just hurt. But the friendship aspect of our relationship, feeling like I cant or dont want to tell him things. Feeling like there is now a mystery of privacy.. like does she now know my business? Feeling like if I have good news about something, he was usually the first person I'd tell but now , its like I cant. Its crazy how so much can change in such a little time. Still working on my master plan whatever that may be. To the person who posted about "if you stay does the marriage become one of just toleration." Well I cannot really answer that at this time. It has only been 1 week since him and Denise finalized the deal, which I was told was a very kufar like ceremony and reception. But anyways. I think women who have been in polygamy far longer than I can give a better, fair response. In the beginning eyes are still cloudy, emotions are still high, and the brain is still fried. So questions/answers given now, will likely change in the future.

But this week although was draining, was still eventful and fun. We went to the movies, went bowling , went Eid shopping, got a lot of work done. Inshallah my head will be a little clearer next week. Looking forward to Eid!!!

This is for the birds

Salaams world. Omg I have the worse headache/ wannabe migraine ever. I am still so confused, still cant believe this is MY life. It all seems so surreal. Hassan tried be all nice last night and bring me some roses home and some bubbly. But i am not feelin it at all. This is just one big confusion circle. Cant wait for these drugs to kick in. I know in previous posts leading up to this I kept talkin about being positive, seeing the big picture and having a new perspective. Well screw all that love and happiness crap. This..feeling like this..man its for the birds really.
I think i should take some sort of kick-boxing class or something at the gym let some of this anger out. And he is just thinking everything will just magically go back to normal. This dude is so out of touch with reality. I dont even think he fully realizes/understands/accepts the severity and reality of his actions. This ish will soon hit the fan and he will be looking around like oh snap. WTf. Yep..oh well people have to learn the hard way. He has been home since Monday and tonight he goes to see Snipes. The whole thought of it makes me so sick. Maybe if I lived in another country/community where polygamy was more widely accepted I wouldnt feel so bad. But it sucks to know that the word is already getting out and now at Eid people are going to be gossiping and all this other B.S . This is so f'd up. I dont see why anyone in their right mind would want to be a 2nd wife if they truly knew how it hurts the 1st and how they will feel the SAME way too. If me and Hassan divorce I think I will get me some old suave Blair Underwood/ George Cloony type, these young guys dont know what to do with themselves. Old guys have issues too...I dont even know people suck of all ages lol.

I know by me keeping this blog I am putting a lot of my business out there on front street. But I really feel even if it helps one sister not have to deal with the pain of polygamy then it is worth it. And also nobody really knows me personally so I dont care. You know how you have a migraine when it feels like you have a tiny little midget in your head that is repeatably kicking your brain. Yep migraine its official. lol I know some of post/comments are getting out of control but sorry my brain cant function on the level it needs to moderate all of the comments.

Who knows how this will play out. Yesterday Hassan woke up late for work, he gets up and rushes to the office where his work clothes are usually already ironed and ready for him and laid out . LOL nothing is there. LOL So he comes back to the bedroom looking like a confused little boy. Oh well. I'm not a maid all those little extras are cut off. Snipes can do that if she wants but it wont be me.
In other news about the debate over the male/female ratio, whether it exist or not. I have yet to meet a brother or sister who is marrying solely to help out some single sister in the "community". He wants to help himself get a side piece. Anyways I'm done for now. Yall make dua for ya girl cuz who knows how this will end up. Really considering throwing up a peace sign. lol

Where the heck is Jake Sully??

Aslaamu-alaikum world. So this has been very interesting to say the least. So Hassan came home last night, trying to "follow"  the schedule I made . I can only imagine how much it must suck to just have married a man, give up your goodies and the VERY next night is is back home to his wife. Hmmm oh well, not my problem. So yea this guy comes home and is trying to act like everything is supposed to be all cool and back to normal. I'm starting to see the big picture which I have been missing this whole time. Snipes IS his drug dealer, lol it all makes sense now. He must have been seriously smoking some good rocks to think he can come back to my awesome self and I would just welcome him back with open arms. Ummm no...actually heck no. Maybe she has been slippin him some PCP on the low this whole time lol. And the funny thing is he had the nerve to make a comment about being tired from driving 4 hrs back this morning, like I care about him being tired. Really? I could care less if he is tired or whatever. He is so out of touch with reality right now.

So anyways, usually I cook dinner. Most people in my family guys included are awesome chefs. Not trying toot my own horn or nothing but I can make a lasagna that will make Emeril Lagasse say BAM! LOL Hassan is used to coming home to dag near 5 star quality cooking like this is a Iron chef contest up in here. So last night what do i cook? Hmmm a nice veggie burger for me. Nothing for Hassan. Cooking will be one of the things I will be boycotting from here on out. I mean a girls still gotta eat but I am not going  to be making anything for this guy. He can go over Snipes house on her days and get something while she learns to cook. Its funny  I was reading a post/comment about how I shouldnt be mean to Hassan because that will only make Snipes look more attractive. First I dont give a dang about being mean to him. He wants to act a fool and expect me to just act like the marriage with Snipes isnt a reality and go back to being awesome...Umm no. and second Snipes needs all the help she can get "looking more attractive".

Oh another thing that happened yesterday that was oh so funny. After dinner I changed into this cute sexy nightie. To relax in and just F' with his mind. I come downstairs and his eyes get all big and he starts starring at me. Trying look at me like "whats up". I'm like dude you must be still high to think anything will be going down over here. Abstinence in full effect around these parks lol. People have to be reminded sometimes how good they had it. Oh well I tried to tell folks but they gotta learn the hard way.

This whole situation has really got me thinking about life, men, women and relationships in general. So many women I know are going thru serious issues in their relationships(not just polygamy). So many men just want to act a fool. This is why there needs to be a new species to choose from lol. Yep I've said it I am so over men of the human race. LOL. Where is Jake Sully when you need him? Where are the Navi people at? That's what I am talking bout. We need to have some other options. Yes I know before people write in, all men DONT suck. I know this. But there are many that are just so clueless and delusional. You start to think to yourself like..is this a bad batch? Can I get a refund on this dude? All I am saying is why cant we have some other options out there? LOL

But yes, i am feeling better today. Maybe because he had half a brain and came home. Maybe I am over the crying . Who knows. I am about to hit up the gym and then work on some things for work. I am just really nonchalant right now. That sums it up I guess. Until later guys and dolls :-)

WTF..Bamboozled!

Salaams world. Wow, wow... So on what undoubtly is the worst day of my life, everything seems so surreal. 

Today was supposed to be the "wedding" of Hassan and Snipes. Just really cant believe this crap.Like I am thinking to myself, wait a min this cant be MY life , this cant be how things are going down. I am partly numb, but mostly tired from hurting like this. The way I am feeling now, no words can even describe it. Someone , somewhere needs to revise the English language to include a new word for pain, that is a combination of devastation, anguish, betrayal , violation, humiliation , and just all around f'd up. Today was ok for the most part, got hair did, had a girls movie night. But after my the girls night was over, and I am here in this big  empty house all alone the reality of this really hits me. This crazy dude hasn't called me all day. Hasn't texted to see if I was still alive and not attacked by a vampire squirrel or something. But mostly just call to console me. Like WTF..Seriously any men out there thinking of getting a side piece, if you are selfish enough to go thru with it, the least you can do is call your WIFE and see how she is doing and console her in some way . Even if she doesn't answer her phone because she doesn't want to talk to an idiot like you, at least you tried. I am just beyond mad, beyond hurt right now. There is no excuse for being an ASSHOLE. (and people dont write in telling me I shouldn't slander folks, cuz i really dont care right now) I feel so done right now. So ready to just throw up a peace sign pack everything and just dip. I dont wish this feeling on my worse enemy, not even Denise aka Snipes. I woke up this morning feeling ok, did lots of zikr after fajr and throughout the day. But its not like I even miss him is the lack of concern that really pisses me off and hurts me. I am so thankful I dont have any kids with this dude. I really dont know what is wrong with a mans brain to think this type of behavior was ok. To just go back on your word, your promises like they mean nothing. Yea we all know men get excited of a new "toy" but so the freak what. You still have responsibilities to your awesome wife you already have. I am just so livid right now. And yes this is coming from a dark place its been one of those weeks. Sometimes I wonder if his brain is leaking or is he just that clueless. This crap is really for the birds. I am so drained right now but I am not sleepy. Ugh why do people have to suck so bad. Just when you think someone is actually decent you wake up and smell the coffee and realize you have been Bamboozled the entire time. Yep that's what it feels like, been bamboozled, hoodwinked!