Ready or not...

I sit and force myself to write this as if this ink holds some magic power over the situation I am presented with. The situation, yes the infamous situation which has on most recent days turned my life into chaos. Where do I even start to begin? The situation is polygamy and for most Muslims and non-Muslims alike that is the one thing they will all know about Islam. No matter how good of a Muslim you are, one thing is for sure you are aware that a man can have up to four wives. If you are non-Muslim and you know nothing else you know polygamy exist. And although everyone seems to know so much about polygamy, or so they think I have yet to be presented with a “how to guide” on the topic. There are of course the basic rules of fairness, and politeness, community love and all the warm and fuzzy stuff you try to force yourself to adhere to. However, if and when a first wife is presented with the situation it is quite difficult so see things in black and white.

There is a large grey area when it comes to polygamy in Islam. Many people often say “want for your sister what you want for yourself.” Which to many pro-polygamy people this is translated to mean, if you want a good husband, you should also want a single sister to have a good husband even if that means sharing your own. The gray area in this matter is the sharing and effects of sharing on the female psyche. Most kind hearted Muslim women, will no doubt want the sisters in Islam to be happy, loved, provided for, and have life long companions. After all marriage is half one’s deen so naturally one will be so inclined as to want this for are sisters, and Muslim friends. However, the sharing and affects of polygamy can wreak havoc on the female psyche and cause lots of pain and hurt for the first wife. So again using the same argument, “Want for your sister what you want for yourself.” Would any able minded Muslim woman want to be depressed, insecure, jealous, and left feeling angry and inadequate? Most would answer no.

In western culture polygamy is illegal so naturally most illegal activities are kept hush and often considered taboo. This is what makes it even more difficult for a Muslim woman living in this culture. Whom do you reach out to, who can really help you through this situation? Some may say go to your Imam, or go to Psychologist for counseling. Well these outlets may be helpful in this scenario an Imam will likely advise it is permissible and try to deal with it. The psychologist may try to treat you for depression or the other mood disorders you are now likely facing. So many women like myself are often left feeling helpless. They are often left scouring the Internet for resources, forums and groups to join or blogs of similar stories to find any way to cope through the pain. But really who wants to live their life coping or just dealing, what about living?

As I sit and write this, not really knowing where this will end up or for that matter where I will end up, I remember long ago reading a blog on polygamy. I will paraphrase but the woman stated she felt as though going through polygamy could be compared to a grieving process. At the time polygamy was not a reality for my family so I was shocked and really sadden to read that. I thought to myself,”is it really that bad?” Sadly unless you are raised in a polygamy household or in a society that accepts it, polygamy can be extremely difficult. And with all grieving it is expected or assumed that pain resides in with time. How much time is needed? Allah only knows.