Most days I still want to say in bed and sleep in till Asr. I know that's bad but its real, that's how it is. If one more person ask me "how am I doing." I think I am going to scream. How would YOU be doing if the supposedly love of your life decided the wanted to marry another woman and expecting you to go along for the ride? I'm guessing not good, duh. I really dont get people. And I know people mean well, my family has been awesome and supportive, but they too keep asking me "So what are your plans, what are you going to do if/when you get back?" Who the hell knows. Like seriously this has been the hardest, mindbending, migraine inducing , stress fest situation I have ever had to deal with. There is no handbook on how to be happy in polygamy. Even these so called books out there seem to offer little assistance that works in the real world. People expect you to just be able to roll out your prayer rug and be fine. "its his right" "It's halal.". Seriously if i hear that b.s one more time I am gonna snap. Women have rights to, and the right to be happy trumps all of that. At least for me it does.
I have been dealing with this for months, and I was hoping by now I'd be ok back to my awesome normal self but im not. I think its extremely unfair that one should have do endure months, maybe years of heartache just so some other woman and My husband can live some little fantasy dream. Perhaps in other countries where it is more common and the mindset of the society is that of collectivism rather than the individualism, it would be easier. However, in the States the society is one that generally promotes individualistic thinking, and supports relationships that built around that. When you grow up in a culture that emphasizes individualism it allows people to have their own goals, focus more on themselves than others, but it also can make for a cut throat society. Such things as polygamy is best practiced in my opinion where the society as a whole has a frame work built on working together. I dont feel its an Western mindset, or being caught up in western views, how I feel.. it is what is it. People in other countries think and view things one way based on society norms and customs, and muslim Americans view things differently. There is nothing wrong or bad about it, but it is what it is.
I am really not trying to be all "Debbie downer" (SNL) today lol , but the bottom line is this crap is F'd up. So much changes in a relationship when a man decides he wants to get a side piece. The whole dynamic changes, trust, respect, communication, intimacy. And for what? For any men out there that are reading, its so not worth it. Every man that I have ever talked with about polygamy (older dudes with wisdom) says they regret it. So yes today so far is sucking. I am just tired of dealing, tired of being drained. Perhaps I'm grieving the life I used to have. I think i'm going to make salat and take a nap. It takes too much energy to function..lol sleep is much easier. I may take a break from blogging, it can be overwhelming at times. Initially i started to help me deal, which it has but it is still too much to think about. Its easy for others to comment about your life, but when you are knee deep in some BS its much harder to make moves. And unless you have personally experienced the pain of being a 1st wife going thru polygamy you could never fully understand. Ugggh! people suck! Anyways..its nap time ! Later guys and dolls. Inshallah your day is better than mine.
"So much changes in a relationship when a man decides he wants to get a side piece. The whole dynamic changes, trust, respect, communication, intimacy. And for what?" ABSOLUTELY..I couldn't have said it better! May Allah(swt) grant you clarity of mind and peace in your heart! Aameen
ReplyDeleteyou said it, this society in usa is about the individual. me, me, me. and not about the entire community as a whole. this is why we have islam. to fix this problem. Allah and His messenger has shown us how we need to behave toward each other. we need to think about muslims, as a whole. we need to think about how that muslim is doing, do they need anything, how can i help, give them kind words, be nice and polite, check on the sick and elderly, etc. and this is something that every muslim should do to/with a fellow muslim. now we are thinking about the muslim community as a whole, thinking about our small jamaat and the muslims in the neighborhood. this will/does wipe out the individual, me, me,me. because it's not about you, and what you think, feel, desire, like the usa teaches us. no. it is about what Allah thinks, feels about you, is He pleased with you. are you following His rules and commands to the best of your ability. because if you are, then we would think about our fellow muslim more. help him/her more and not slander, backbite, or think evil thoughts about them.
ReplyDeleteremember the goal, the finish line is jannah. and this life is the path to our jannah. there are obsticales, shaytaan, ups and downs in our iman, sometimes we have to stop and take a break, rethink things. but we have to keep going on this path. so we can get to jannah. Allah never said this path was easy. but this path is defiantly easier than the path to jahinam.
I'm almost at a lost for words, like nothing I say will take the hurt you're feeling go away. My intentions are very sincere, but advice/kind words from me is at this point like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It's not going to help much. I believe our hearts heal themselves in time, (by the permission of Allah) Your heart is hemorrhaging right now. I know it's so painful. The one person you want to make the pain go away can't. It's you with your feelings and thoughts. To share with him how you feel doesn't help because, he doesn't really want to understand. It's too heavy for him to "deal with". He would rather kick back, and pretend all is good, think "well lets get on with our marriage". All b/s aside what he did was so mean. He didn't have to marry another wife. He wanted to, and he used Islam, and the so called rights he has to justify his actions, and hurting you. It's very cowardly for a man to manipulate his young, and completely in love wife just so he can fulfill a desire of his. He absolutely knows he hurt you, but in his mind your hurt doesn't take precedence over what he feels are his "Islamic rights." Even though he is unable to support both of you properly. It's so very cruel. Know Allah will deal with him. I Unfortunately gave my heart away before to any unworthy man. Of course he broke it, because that's what unworthy men do. I can't say exactly what made me pull myself up off the floor, and get on with my life, but I remember feeling like "I really deserve so much better than this" I also lost respect for him, and really didn't care less about being with him. It hurt me to leave him, but it hurt more to stay. When men aren't grateful it's never in just one aspect of their lives. Gratitude is really a blessing from Allah. He dealt with your heart unfairly. It's your heart so you take it back. Nurse it back to health, and love it yourself instead of waiting for him to love it. I'm saying this to you with tears in my eyes. He doesn't know how to love you the way you want to, and deserved be loved. You'll be okay Inshallah. You're right you do have the right to be happy. Your family loves you, and Allah loves you. Verily Allah accepts the duas of the oppressed.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous your last post has nothing to do with with what Jaiyana just wrote. You're speaking very broadly like we all fit under this one umbrella. Jaiyana as well as most of the women posting here are regular women, who are living life, trying to practice Islam to the best of their abilities. Our Iman is not that of the wives of the prophet (Salalahualayhe Wa Salam) This is why I say we need to live in reality. What does anything you just said have to do with mending this sisters broken heart? You keep repeating yourself over and over again, but you're not really saying anything. It's the same "Mujahidah" mentality that we don't understand. Do you get that? I'm not trying to be mean, but your not even on the same page as us right now. I think your trying to hard to give dawwah, without first understanding how to give the dawwah. You have to have Hikmah behind what you say. It's like telling someone to make salat on time, when they don't even know how to make it. If a sister can't even get out of the bed because she's so depressed, how can she even think of helping her fellow muslim? I hope you can understand what I'm saying to you.
ReplyDeleteI thought about it over and over again. Alone. I have not confided in anyone for 2 years. Although the daily feeling that Jaiyana is now feeling off and on, I don't feel that strongly about any longer. I have contemplated it up and down, sides and diagonal. I have even said because we women are self-sufficient, there is no reason to live in a relationship with 3 other women. Granted you might accept 1 cowife, but the necessity in todays times in the US, the cost of daily living and food, does not allow brothers to REALLY take care of more than 1 wife. He has to struggle more and be outside of the home more hours to try to make enough money to survive. Who wants a tired, going to the grave early, stressed out man. I want to see my husband relax sometimes. Go out fishing or exercise. Your body has rights over you. There is absolutely no reason to feel the need to sacrifice to wait for a man to share himself 3 other ways. Can you really imagine sharing a home with other women, where does your individual since of style come in, can you imagine the constant rukus and sound of running, loud children, where is your privacy to just FART aloud. Wooww...Sisters who are in these other parts of the countries where they don't work, don't want to work, would not otherwise get a husband, were taught that even going to school for higher education is not important, or for whatever other reason are trained to believe they have to sacrifice their souls just to have 1/4 of a man or that happiness in this life is an after thought. We can enjoy this life as well as plan for Jinah. Granted we have Muslimahs in the US who are also practicing polygyny with grace at least after a period of adaptation. Again, Muslimahs don't have to sacrifice their internal selves to help the Jumah or another Muslim for that matter. We can still stand strong. I feel if Allah knows my true feelings, what do I care about the people in the world. Allah knows this slave does not want this for herself, I am the only one who has to stand before him on the day of Judgement. I don't know my co-wife, don't want to know her, I know who she is, I never even personally shook her hand, but I did not invite her into my personal life. My husband is personal to me. All that gibberish that he is not mine and a loan to us, okay, go take your loaned out ass somewhere else, I didn't ask to borrow what you thought would be important in my life.LOL.Through her, people can know things that I may choose to cover up about my husband and my family. Is polygyny possible for those who want it? Yes, it is. But if you don't want it, you don't have to have it!!!
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous December 4 6.51
ReplyDeletejazakAllah khairan for the reminder.. *but* i think theres a time an place for giving this kind of talk, and I dont think this is one them as you can tell by the post sis Jiyana is struggling and feeling down. We would all love to help the entire Ummah just as much you do, but please, shes only human. You speak as though shes not meant to be feeling anything, and that she has no choice but to stay through this regardless of how depressed/sad she is.
Assalamu alaikum sis
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine this scenario for myself and I think you are very strong even though you feel you are at the lowest low.
I just wanted to remind you of some things. Everything is decreed by Allah and Allah knows what is happening to each person each second. So, don't you think Allah knows your pain? And on top of that, isn't Allah the MOST merciful?
Secondly, since we don't know the future, why not hope for something amazing to come out of this? Life is a struggle and we shouldn't have to make it worse by telling ourselves what the worse thing will come out of this or even your husband's intention. Have some hope!
I am sure you have had moments in your life where you just wish it was gone and over, but then at the end, Allah gives you something in return you can never imagine! This happened to me. I spent months crying over something, and everyone giving me awful advice (The easy way out) And I stuck to my thread of hope I had and stuck to my principles. At the end, Allah gave me something in return that I never imagined AND wish I would have spent more months waiting for it because it was so sweet.
Wallowing in your bed, thinking of all the worst possibilities is not going to solve anything.
And it's hard to have a clear head about such things. So make dua right now. I don't suspect now is the time to confront husband about everything how you feel "But I have already done that and it just made things worse"
right? Ok, I am done. Stay strong and make dua.
May Allah give you something better in return for your struggle.
@Umm Assad, you said, "He doesn't know how to love you the way you want to, and deserved to be loved." Very true. Start loving yourself.
ReplyDelete@Jaiyana, you do not deserve to be treated poorly, you are a good person, a good Muslim and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Accept no less. Set boundaries for yourself. Don't let anyone trample on your feelings. This time next year you'll look back on this and wonder why you were giving him the time of day, inshaallah.
@anon 10:39 p.m. I am glad you felt you could finally talk about your experience. Just getting it out of yourself can be such a relief. Polygamy changes so much. What you had that was personal, intimate, and between just you and your husband, now maybe an open book for uninvited others to know. Seems like there should be "polygamy penalties" posted somewhere for the husband to read on a daily basis. HA!!
I do object to a 2nd/3rd/4th wife being called a side piece because in polygamy, the man is having a full married life with all wives. He should support both, be responsible for both, treat both equally and will have a family life with both. That is why polygamy is for men who CAN do that, if a man is not doing those things (meaning equality) then polygamy is NOT FOR HIM.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I wouldnt marry someone in the West in a poly relationship for the reasons youve said. If husband lived where I am, chances are i wouldnt have married him, simply because of this society.
Having said that i know of a few people who are in such a relationship, lets just say, after a few years, their first wives lived the 'enstranged' life iykwim? Like they live fully with 2nd wives, who are younger and have small kids, whilst the 1st wives ones have grown and flown the nest. They support and visit the 1st wives, but not really a relationship...
And if we were friends in real life id be tempted to knock on your door in the morning n take you for a marathon day retail therapy.
ReplyDeleteI understand peoples concern but sometimes the last thing you want is people asking how you are and treating you different.
Mashallah @Anonymous 10:39 you're so right. Allah knows our true feelings. I think we all understand what you mean. You have a good point about taking on extra, and the brothers really wearing themselves too thin. I don't honestly believe sisters who post comments about sacrificing their rights, "and helping out the community" even believe their own advice. It sounds like they want to say the "most pious sounding" suffering type of advice to give so they say it. Why do sisters want to tell us we shouldn't be "selfish" 1st wives? Our "husbands our loans", and that they have their "rights." All the while telling us they deserve to marry a "pious man" too. (By the way everyone REAL pious men don't marry their wife's best friend.) Is this the same "speech" about loans, rights, and sharing the same things they said to their Muslim "friend" once they saw her hurting after the second marriage. I think not. I highly doubt any sister would say that to her hurting friend. So why say it to us?
ReplyDelete@sweetlikechocolate , sorry if the "sidepiece" comment was offensive that wasn't my intention. I really don't have an issue with other 2nds, 3rds ect just snipes. The reason I don't use the word "wife" ever to describe her becuz I feel that is a title of respect. The way she has come into the mix, lying , being spiteful, rude, and disrespectful I could never respect her or her position. Maybe that will change who knows. Honestly if I had a cowife like u slc I would prob feel very differntly. It would still hurt but it would be manageable and much easier. This is why it really us important for the man to choose wisely. But yea retail therapy would be awesome ! Actually I'm gettin ready for brunch then my mom and my sister& I are going to the mall. :-) I'm sure there is a nice pair of boots out there and a few tops that could use a good home lol. Only bad thing about shoppin now is the holiday traffic and long lines. But for good sales I'll tough it out lol humhillah today is much much better.
ReplyDelete@slc yea You do seem like a really sweet Muslima , if more sisters had your kind nature polygamy would be much easier. If u lived here I could see us being friends in real life. You have a beautiful spirit do not let anyone break it.
ReplyDelete@ everyone else thx for the support :-)
from anonymous 6:51 @umm asad and @jaiyana. i have been reading the comments and from time to time even posted. i have been giving positive advice and feedback from personal experience. from myself as well as friends of mine who have gone thru this same situation. and with all sincerity, sisters who got past the hurt, pain, betrayal were the sisters who came closer to Allah. used this time to make alot of dua, reflection about themselves, read quran and hadith more. implemented the sunnah more. didn't spend their time reflecting on husband with second wife. didn't give husband the cold shoulder too much or even denied him sex too often. but took this time to redo their marriage. they didn't let shaytaan whisper ill/evil thoughts and acted on the horrible advise shaytaan gave them. they didn't become malice in their actions toward husband or second wife or anyone else.
ReplyDeletei understand she is hurting, but giving her horrible, ill/evil advise is unislamic, and moving her away from Allah toward shaytaan. no matter how much we hurt, we still have to ask ourself, how can we please Allah and have Allah be pleased with us. saying her husband betrayed her trust, love, etc. isn't correct because he didn't do that. not according to islam and that is what matters. i'm not trying to be mean. but we have to make sure that when we say something; person lied, betrayal, purposely hurt you... we have to put it into islamic context.
as muslims we are suppose to call each other to what is good and help each forbid what is wrong. get sisters out of depression (which is from shaytaan not Allah) get sisters out of anxiety and huge amounts of stress (which is from shaytaan not Allah). and the only way to do that is to call them back to Allah and remind them Allah. which i haven't read alot about on her blog.
@anon 1:49 umm wow. I am really confused as to where you are coming from in your post. He did betray my love, nothing is wrong with stating the truth. As far as women who have gone thru this and didn't deny their husbands sex or services. Good for these chicks. But my main concern is my health and sainity not wheter or not my husband is sexually satisfied. I could careless. Also not sure if it's a language barrier/cultural barrier but alot of advice and things said here on this blog is for comic relief. If u read my initial post I said I'm nor a sheik, mulana , hafiz ect so this blog is not about "how to be the best Muslima " or how to be besties with your cowife. It's real, and raw at times. But if people are looking for a daily reminder or tips on Islam try some other page. Www.sunnipath.com or islamiccity.com. I hear what your sayin but it's unrealistic when someone is going thru a stressfest like this to just act like some pious princess 24/7 lol it's not gonna happen. If your looking for a different type of dialouge then perhaps my blog isn't for u. But I can't just snap back to normal as if things haven't changed. Maybe other women who are promised golden tickets have the ablity to go back to their hubbies like everything is all good. Good for them maybe you can have them start a blog I would be interested in what they have to say.
ReplyDelete@anon 1:49 p.m.
ReplyDeleteYou soooooo don't know what you are talking about in regards to Jaiyana's situation. You're saying that her husband didn't betray her trust, how do you know??? Where you there???? Just step off the soap box cuz your post sounds very condescending. It sounds like you are advocating suffering, no matter what.
If you don't like what you have read here, why are u here? This is Jaiyana's blog. She is putting her pain in writing. She doesn't need anyone's permission to write about how she feels.
I've always tried to give Jaiyana good advice, and offer support. Most all the sister here have been very supportive, and have given really great advice. Our advice has been Islamic, and we have never told Jaiyana to do anything evil, like divorce her husband. My intentions are very sincere. Allah knows best our hearts. Salams
ReplyDelete@umm Assad
ReplyDeleteThats true, none of us have given her bad advice, but even if she did decide to get a divorce, i dont think she would being doing something evil. Whatever the outcome is it has to be the best for her.
aww jaiyana ur making me blush :p
ReplyDelete@ Anon, i understand what youre saying but from the posts it seems there were some things done that wasnt the 'normal' way and although the husband remarrying itself isnt betraying trust etc the way in which a husband does this CAN result in that.
from anony 1:49 @jaiyana and @everyone. ok i must be confused about your blog. i know you are blogging about your experience being in polygamy, but i also thought you wanted positive feedback from muslimahs. preferably from muslimahs who have gone thru what you have gone thru or had friends who have gone thru what you have gone thru. how can you expect muslims not to give advice from quran and sunnah as well as their personal experience? what kind of muslim would constantly help a muslim without it coming from quran and sunnah? since, as muslims, we are suppose to live our life (lifestyle) that revolves around the quran and sunnah. so much so, that it oozes out of us (most of us aren't there yet, but we should strive to get there). muslims are on the company of their companions. hence, as muslims we need to surround ourselves with muslims who are seriously striving to implement this deen. who will call us to what is right and just (according to Allah and His messenger's standards) and stop us from doing wrong (according to Allah and His messenger's standards).
ReplyDeleteand if hearing all of this from Allah and His messenger burns us (burns our ears, soul, etc) then we need to ask ourselves, are we even muslim? i'm not saying this to offend anyone. i'm saying this to remind us all that Allah is perfect. our religion is perfect. and that all the answers to our sorrow, ill, pain, hurt, depression, etc. is in the quran and its sunnah.
when a person has marital problems, one doesn't go to a person who has never been married, or recently married or divorced many times (unless you want to know what not to do). no. you go to someone who has been married 25, 30, 40 years. why, because they understand what it takes to have and keep a happy marriage. they know the ups and downs. you want to know about polygamy and how to deal with it, then you need to talk to and find sisters who have been married for a long time. and see what it takes to keep the marriage going. and listen to their knowledge and wisdom.
i understand that this blog is your way of letting it out. but this blog is also your way of healing. and you can't heal yourself if you aren't going to implement the steps that Allah and His messenger as set in place. the answer for healing is there in the quran and sunnah. when you are ready to use it. but constantly ranting won't heal you. that just makes shaytaan our companion. remember, we want to make Allah our companion and not shaytaan.
@Anon 6:01, what are you talking about? Have I EVER said on here that I am not trying to take advice from the quran and sunnah? I have posted ayats as well as hadiths here so I am confused. Yes this is my personal blog, not iloveislam.com. So the main points are about my life. The goal of marriage is to be happily married. Some people are married 20,30,40 years and most of which they are miserable and staying in hopes of gaining some golden ticket. I welcome advice from sisters who have been happily married regardless of how long that person has been married. Quality of marriage vs quantity is more important for me.
ReplyDeleteMany other of these women have been posting positive things related to quran and sunnah, UmmAasad has posted hadiths,ayats, Sarah, ect. UmmUmmarNy. So I am unsure what you are referring to. There has been a lot of positive feedback. Who said hearing anything "burns us" where are you getting this?
How am i not implementing the quran and sunnah? I pray everyday, fast, make sunnah and nafl salats. Spend time in zikr, reading quran daily. Hikmah is key. I have talked to muslim scholars regarding marriage and polygamy. I am not a young confused little girl afraid of guidance and knowledge.
When trying to offer any positive advice, inviting what is good and forbid what is wrong, there is a correct manner in doing so. It is not wise to be harsh, having no sensitivity towards people, and saying the reason for their hurt is "serious weak iman." That way of thinking is rude & will help no one.
@Jaiyana, regarding the bit you just said about "Who said hearing anything "burns us" where are you getting this?" Allah only knows how much I have benefited from rants on this blog and many others!! Polygamy is not a topic easily handled by the common Muslim in 1-on-1 conversations and gatherings... so to have a way of 'letting out' our frustrations and in turn, receive much needed encouragement in difficult times is priceless!!! Some days we are up while our sisters are down, so we send some encouraging words their way... some days it's the other way around... We: "Take the good.. wherever we find it!!" and at times turn a deaf ear whenever nonesense comes knocking at the door!! Thanks for sharing your 'world' with us!! ..it does make a difference. :D
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I ask forgiveness to anyone who may have been offended by any of my post. It's not my intention to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. Sometimes, it does sting when hearing the truth about something, but the sting can be lessened with how the message is presented.
ReplyDelete@Jaiyana, I hope that you will continue to grow in Islam and take care of yourself. This whole polygamy ordeal can take a toll, please care enough about yourself that you don't neglect your health....spiritual, mental and physical.
(((hugs)))
@anonymous6:01pm
ReplyDeleteThis is anonymous with an ATTITUDE. LOL. Believe it or not you have said some things that I agree with. I agree that things should be taken back to Allah. The Reminder Benefits The Believer. Jaiyana and some of the rest of us, just don't believe in hiding our true feelings. There has been times when I took a step back because the blogs became heated. I have had an opportunity to look at what everyone was saying. Some of it has benefited me when I walked away. Some of it gave me a chance to realize my truth which is different from some of the other sisters. My truth is, I truly do not want to live a Polygynous life. The only way I would consider Polygyny is with a man who had It Together and it would only be if I were the first wife. I have never pondered or wondered the position of 2nd, 3rd or 4th because I know ME. I don't believe just because "It's His Right", makes him eligible for polygyny. I also believe many Sisters dupe themselves into polygyny with men who ain't that damn worthwhile and they sit around with no benefit besides, a D--- in his hand. Here I was able to express that because I haven't discussed what I'm living with anyone close to me. The biggest truth I know, was that it was my husband. He hadn't positioned my station in such a way to take on a 2nd wife when he did. I am not DOWN WITH THE FINANCIAL STRUGGLE, so that he could get his rocks off. I have a feeling that if my relationship with him was better, I would have at least shook the Sisters hand. Where I was the better Muslim was that I did not want to stain her feelings about him, from my experiences with him. I felt she wasn't woman enough to first find out if he was ever even a good provider, maintainer, etc. So I know she'll eventually find out on her damn own. And I am sitting back Smiling because her having her head in the sand, thinking it wasn't important to find out from the horses mouth is going to have her standing on the Single's Line again. He didn't have the money to maintain a second family. I'm not down with the Struggle and gonna blame it on Allah and say He wanted this for me. No, it is Sisters who don't do their homework, who just want a man or their just attracted to your husband for physical reasons and all of a sudden can't get by what the F--- is logical and not between their damn legs!!! I am asking all of these Sisters who are so Pro-polygyny, is your husband Well-to-do or are you just Getting By?? How yah Living?? Can you send one of those well-to-do brothers my way?
@Munira thanks a bunch I was never offended.
ReplyDelete@ummNy, glad I could help, this blog has been a great outlet. your blog has also helped me in many ways.
@Anon 8:01 thanks for keeping it 100% lol and real! So true i would like to know also for pro-polygamy are people well to do or just getting by? Are they making ends meet, or are then ends just waving? LOL. Yea i'm with you on not trying to strugglin financially. Thats Hassan "right", but so what. I am not gonna lower my lifestyle standards cuz he wants to do this. and he knows this. I refuse to downsize or even pitch in financially. lol. I really think u hit the nail on the head . Sisters have to find out for themselves how a brother is holding it down. Snipes accepted having to work, but now she is already complaining cuz she has to pay for her own stuff. Oh well. But good things to ponder over. Glad that you have this as an outlet since you cant talk with others close to you in your circle.
@Anonymous with "Attitude", aka "taking it to the white meat" LOL, "How you doing" Mashallah I love your realness. Even though you may be going through a difficult time you tell it just like it is. As us "young girls" would say "keepin it 100." I myself have made mention of the brothers who are paid, and how they usually aren't the ones tryin get "seconds". This refers to American brothers by the way. The Ayat I posted referring to "if you can not deal justly than only take one" Surah An-Nisa. I don't think some men figures this Ayat into the equation when they are determined to practice polygyny. This is one reason why so many sister have such a bad taste in their mouths regarding polygyny. I Agree the Anonymous sister who is co-wife to her best friend has given some good reminders. We are obviously all Muslim, and love our Deen. No one should have to prove their piety by how much Quran and Sunnah's they know, and practice. Only Allah knows our hearts, and minds. This subject is very touchy, and emotional. Every sister here is probably giving the best advice they know how to give. We are not always going to agree, with each other, and that is okay. What works for one sister may not work for another. That does not mean though she has weak Iman or is on the fence in regards to her belief. If your here to give advice, listen, share ect. and your intentions are sincere, then continue what you're doing. May Allah guide us, bless us and forgive our trangressions. We all mean well. Salams Sisters!! ((Huggies))
ReplyDelete@anon w/att.
ReplyDeleteI love your attitude!!! It's so refreshing. Keep it real by all means. I hope things improve for you. Many times men are just driven by lust. They see a sister they want and they risk everything to be with her. Who said men were smart? Sometimes they can be real stupid. Arrogance & Ignorance = A Toxic combination.
As-salaamu-alaikum everyone! This is loud and uncut(anon w/att.)I am so glad I can make some of you laugh or take such a serious situation and bring a smile to our faces. Or for that matter, make your damn eyebrows raise and look at me with disdain. Frankly Watson, I don't give a ---- :):)
ReplyDelete@Jaiyana, thanks for having this blog. I tried blogging at another site but my position was not for them. I have had too much pinned up feelings to be skipping and singing "La La La, La La La". However, the point is Jaiyana,it takes time and for some of us, it takes longer than others depending on the situation and how it presents itself. I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but I am making plans to feel better and I am determined, InshaAllah, to live a happier life for 2011. Shoooot, I may even shake her hand this year with a Alice in Wonderland chester cat smile. LMAO. Lately, its been all about me. I've always worn high heels,strutting even more now - in slow motion, black hijab blowing in the wind.(Can U see it? LOL). I try to focus on my life goals and the things I have wanted to achieve. I'm not one for "wallowing in Pigshit". All I requested from my husband was that we go our separate ways until "III" decide if "III" want to share my life, not him, her or any darn body else. I have said it nicely, upside down and all whicha whatcha ways. I've said we could be friends(shoot I've said anything to get his ass to consider leaving. LOL)I don't hate my husband, I just demand certain conditions be met and once they are met, this Dungeon Dragon, woof, woof, might let you back into her Lair.LMAO.Shoot have any of you watched the "The Stoning of Sumaya?" It was based on a true story of a Muslim woman whose husband wanted a divorce and she would not leave his home. He set her tale up with the lie of adultery and they stoned her to death. Please see it if you haven't. Oh my God, it was heartwrenching - but watch out when someone says I don't want to be with you anymore, anything might happen. Hmmm. LOL.
@ Anon with attitude, if ur husband wasnt able to support a second family whyd he do it and did his wife agree that she would support herself? The hard question, if you dont want it for you then are you staying with him? From your post it sounds like youre staying with him, chances are, a lot of men know that their wives may hate it but also are too dependent on him to actually take any action and leave. So they do get the 'best of both worlds' in a way if y'all get me.
ReplyDeleteOh and husband is well to do and not American...
i know brothers who are well to do and don't do polygamy. not that they can't afford it, just that they value the dunya or don't want the extra responsibility. i'm not saying that having a house, car, and certain materials is dunya. i'm saying having $10,000 (more or less) sitting in the savings, spending money on big screen tvs, expensive cars, eating out, etc. etc. is materialistic. putting in college funds and so on. constantly worried about the future. living the suburban life as they call it. as muslims we can have nice things but we aren't suppose to be attached to the dunya. nor have the dunya be attached to us. so can these men afford another wife? sure, by far. but they don't. why? main reason, they look at the money that they have to spend. well sorry. that is why they are here. to worship Allah, work, spend on family/community/society. that is their role and responsibility.
ReplyDeleteit is hard to say, as muslims, that we are taking care of our community when we have soo many widowed, divorced, single sisters in our community. when we have so many orphaned children in our community. who is suppose to take care of them? even if they work, they are still entitled to be taken care of? who should they marry? when so many muslim men don't want to get married. they just want sex?
now brothers who aren't well to do, see this as a problem in the community. they see how this plagues the jamaat. how these women become mistress/girlfriends and fornicate with married men or with men who say they will marry them but don't. so, these women also want companionship just like anybody else. so these men take a second and the women keep their dignity. and it is truly a beautiful thing to implement something that many are afraid to do. may Allah bless them and their efforts.
Oops Sweet Like Chocolate, guess you didn't read previous post. This is my house!!! I didn't want to lock him out. I am also trying to keep family and friends out of my business. Actually, I am trying to cover his back. I drive my own car that I bought. I got a career and so does she. She told him, she would waive her rights of maintenance, AS PER HIM! I don't know, I've never asked her. There's two sides to a story and then theres the truth. Don't think I'm telling it all, just like many others aren't. We're trying to maintain anonymity, that's why don't ask Jaiyana what school she goes to or what's her choice of study or career - because if you give too much information, your next door neighbor might be looking at you cross-eyed the next day. LOL. I believe in staying together in kindness or divorcing in kindness. I don't wish him harm, I want the best for him and hope he wants the same for me. Why'd he do it, like why did your husband do it? Because there are women out there who'd do it with them. I've also said it doesn't matter how "Awesome" you are, if a man decides to have his cake and eat it too and if you feed it to him,he is going to Pig Out!!! Women should not blame themselves for the desires of a man! Some men really are afraid to let go of the first wife because they truly love her, but they just want to fulfill this need they have inside. We are all driven by different internal and external motivators.
ReplyDelete@anonymous 10:21am - damn girl! You just gonna force the hands of Muslim men to marry other women, even if Islam does not make it fard. It is his option to marry 2, 3 or 4. Girl - BYE!
"Women should not blame themselves for the desires of a man!"... LOVE IT!!! ..they are d-o-g-s!! and some of them don't deserve another wife, they can do perfectly fine with a 'rubber doll'!!
ReplyDelete@anon 10:21 am, you have made some valid points, but whats wrong with having some cash in savings for a rainy day? Whats wrong with living in the subburbs? I live in the burbs and LOVE IT! I dont see anything wrong with having a nice home, car ect. I really feel being muslim and pious doesnt = broke and poor. Who says just because your muslim you must live like a homeless orphan? Yes we should plan for the hearafter by doing as much ibadaa as possible. But we are still here in this life too. There is nothing wrong with a man with some $ keeping for himself, and first wife. He isnt less pious or caught up in the dunya because he doesnt want to be in polygamy.
ReplyDeleteAllah's Apostle said, "The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should start first to support your dependants."
Volume 7, Book 64, Number 270
Also in the time we live in education is very important. Saving for our children's college funds IMO is very important.
Oh btw that hadith is From Bhukari
ReplyDeletefrom anon 10:21 @jaiyana. i'm not saying that this is wrong. i'm talking about the mindset of being attached to the dunya. not about having nice things. there is nothing wrong with living in the burbs or having middle class life. but i am talking about keeping the mindset of looking and thinking of those who are less fortunate than you. which as muslims we are suppose to do (look at those who have less and be grateful to Allah for what we do have not what we don't).
ReplyDeletei am middle class convert but i live in an area that is middle and low. and i know many muslims (past and present) who have far less than we do. so in islam the rich/wealthy are obligated to help those with less. and i have seen many a sister with less. i have seen many a convert that have given up one life to live another life for Allah's sake and islam. and they are in some bad situations. they need alot of help. they need islamic knowledge, finances, they need husbands, and men who will be good fathers for their children. i'm not saying that they don't work. but it is hard working long hours, paying for daycare, all the bills, and tending to children.
masjids that have alot of professional, business, well to do people, don't help the poor. or do very little to help (if they even know where the poor live). they give out small amounts of money maybe $100 or $200. and this is after they ask for personal information. as well as keep track as to how often you ask.
so i know brothers (converts) who have an ok living and take a second to help get her out of the situation she is in. which is a very humble, noble, act. but then again, converts practice polygamy more (in usa). because many brothers don't know how many sisters are really hurting out there. especially the converts. and lets face it, brothers that were born muslim, tend to marry their own. they rarely marry a convert. unless she is white. the african americans, latinas, etc. they tend not to marry. i can only speak for the usa.
@ Anon with At- yes i see your other post now. MashaAllah u sound confident, may Allah bless you :)
ReplyDelete@ anon 12:33 rofl- on the rubber doll topic, you no cucumbers are used in ME countries by the women loooooooool >_<
about the money issue- for sure theres nothing wrong with saving up and thats defo what husband better be doing lol.
@Sweet like chocolate: ROFL at the cucumbers don't get me started of that! You see these pitiful Muslim women on youtube with their video cams Astaghfirullah there is something REALLY wrong in the world today: Frustrated women buying cucumbers and horny men allergic to homemade salads.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteI have been there, boy have I been there.
SubhanAllah. My husband can't even afford it and he's about to marry.
at amina-hows he doing it if he cant afford it? Although allowed, there are RULES on polygamy too...
ReplyDeleteat anon, ok i didnt know that was in youtube and muslim women :o May Allah protect us. (gross gross gross)
Can somebody tell me what the cucumber/salad video is about? I didn't see it.
ReplyDelete@Amina...
Usually men will have to hit a brick wall when nobody can tell them anything. If he can't afford to support a 2nd wife, he needs to accept it he just can't. But NOOOOOOO they don't want to accept it...they will try to do a "workaround" lol. They will talk the woman into waiving her rights so that she winds up doing his job. And before you know it there is a HOT MESS happening. I hope that things get better for you.
(((hugs)))