So like I said I didn't know what to expect. So I'm all snuggled up on the couch reading, and drinking tea when in walks Hassan. So I look at him, he looks at me, his eyes get all big. He says "Aslaamu-alaikum love." I give him salaams and walk over to him. He grabs me and gives me the biggest hug he has ever given me , ever. He's all like "I missed you so much", "Dont leave me like that again." lol . And kissed me. I really wasn't planning on kissing him. But my brain wasn't really thinking clearly enough to stop him. I was still confused wondering if it was the same guy that i talked to a few days ago who was trippen. He brought in lots of goodies for me, juice, and some sparkling white grape juice and sparkling apple cuz "he wanted to celebrate the return of his queen." So I am putting some of the groceries away Hassan goes back to the car for more things and comes back with a dozen red roses. I was so surprised. Its funny because I was talking to my sister earlier telling her that he better be jumping for joy that I even came back at all and bring me roses when I see him. He must have go the memo somewhere along the lines lol. I would post a pic but the vase on my dining room table is surrounded with all the mail that i missed. My dining room table is looking crazy right about now. But the rest of my house is clean so its all good.
So we go back in the living room and just talk, and he is loving the henna. I got his name on my back. It is really cute. (note to self, learn to do henna nice side hustle) lol. Anyways then the shocker of the night, Hassan tells me he is going to cook dinner and wants me to relax. I was so confused, like who is this dude and what happened to the Hassan I used to know. Did he get abducted by aliens or what? The whole time we have been married Hassan has only cooked dinner maybe 5x . And that's if hotdogs and frozen pizza qualify as cooking. LOL . He defiantly isn't winning any Top Chef contest any time soon, but it was nice gesture and was sweet of him. But the whole night was really strange in a nice way. He defiantly was acting very brand new. Jocking me very hard. Usually he is a germaphobe but he kept trying to tongue me down every chance he got even with the cold. I was like ok dude I know I have some soup coolers (juicy lips) but be easy. LOL. We talked a lot, he said "he really missed me, said im his #1 girl, he's so happy to have his queen back", he even apologized for some things. I was thinking to myself hmm he must think he is about to get some goodies..lol little does he know that will not happen. Who knows how long this new Hassan will stay around. Perhaps this time away has made him further realize how lucky he is in the first place to be my husband lol. But it was a good night that's all I will say for now. Inshallah I will keep you posted on this weeks events.
Alhumdulillah! Happy to read this. InshaAllah itll continue like this and you both are happy :)
ReplyDeleteJaiyana...Soooooooo happy to read this! You have been thru so much and my heart has just ached for you! I hope it will always stay like this for you......Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteBTW....henna here is CHEAP!! hands front and back only cost me $10, that was with a tip ;) I like it, I just dont like it when it fades away...it looks orange on my skin....
Masha'Allah sis!! May Allah swt keep your marriage in harmony ameen.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon. Take care of you, and be happy, healthy, and deeni!!
ReplyDeletelol, everytime my ex cheated he would bring me roses and tell me how much he loved me , how beautiful and special I was..etc.
ReplyDeleteSo that's very nice bullshit, he still is dipping in a different pot
@ anon is sad your comments and the idea of staying with a cheater. But what is your deal. You are a diff anon than before? Sounds like it. Either way love life and do you.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you say sad staying with a cheater? I wrote ex, because I divorced him,He was a cheater in a sense that he married behind my back, then tried to sweet talk his way back in my bed with his "gifts".
ReplyDelete@ anony 10:36pm. correction......going behind your back to marry another woman isn't cheating. having sex with women he's not married to, is cheating. if he hadn't kept the marriage a secret from you or others, then he wouldn't have felt so guilty.
ReplyDeleteMy God!! You people that hide behind "Anonoymous" irritate me beyond words. Get a Blogger Id and show yourselves!! You jump from blog to blog spewing your hate and insults. My question to you is this...If you have time to right insults on peoples blogs, then you have time to get an ID!! Wow....
ReplyDelete@anoymous 1:31pm You seem cool. I was refering to the other one.....Still, u should get an ID...haha
@Jaiyana... How did that first night go? I wanted to ask you, does she call when he is home with you? I think I would have a corenary if that happened! lol How do you deal with it?
Lol so agree with u firstwife, if people have time to stalk my blog and write comments , then u hav time to create profile. Just sayin if you don't like what I post keep it movin . Nobody is forcing these haters to read click and comment. I'm lovin life right now anyone who is negative can kick rocks
ReplyDelete@firstwife the first night was awesome . I haven't had to cook yet since I been back went shopping and to dinner yesterday which was tech her day but oh well lol. She usually doesn't call when he's with me. When she does call he doesn't answer anyway.
ReplyDeleteASA, everyone. Anonymous w/att. Not sure if I agree with the need to create an identity. Perhaps because anonymity is essential for me. Additionally, if many of us are users under various names, what is the difference if you create an ID. Help me understand because you all may know something I don't know. For example, I went to another blog and I could not figure out a way to post without a email being required. People know who I am if I use my email!!! And I was very surprised at the foolishness that was being blogged on her site. Yes, I am using this as an opportunity to have anyone else please give her some nasihah. Jaiyana you blog on that site so you know which one I am referring to. I am just trying not to reveal it. Why is the husband searching for a wife without a wali or wakil. That is the first step. We are not like other people who go out in search of co-wives, like we are Swingers. He'd be able to prevent bringing home "Lost and Found" women. What level of deen or self-esteem or background are they all on. Certain things aren't even up for discussion. (smoking, marijuana, homelessness,foodstamps, alcohol,drugs WTF)- Is this an episode or reality show of "Polygyny In The Hood?" I'm exxagerating to make a point.
ReplyDeleteI think you can tell by the way things are written by the above anonymous that she is a scorned woman. I too am scorned but I try very hard not to take the "J" out of someone else's joy. If polygyny works for you, Alhamdulilaah - that's where I am at. I also don't discuss it with anyone because many times I just don't agree with sister's attitude about it. If there were true sisterhood or love and concern, I'd probably feel better about it. So, many times I take the low road and dislike it for me in my heart and I don't look for anyone to agree with me or not. "To You be your way and to me be mine". I do believe though if you are going to stay in it, there should exist some cordiality, privacy and respect for one another. If not everyone will know about Your Shared Man - which is a form of not covering your brothers back and/or backbiting. Never condone a man treating another woman badly while treating you nicely, he has to be upright or respect and trust diminishes from both sides. It also only allows him to "play women", over and over again. Also if you truly love and/or fear for your husband in terms of his Lord, you don't want him to meet his Lord lop-sided. Hopefully, this will not upset anyone - not my intentions. Just Keeping it 100:)
@Anon w/attitude love your attitude and style. You def always keep it 100! I created a completely seperate email Id when I started this blog and only a few readers know who I really am. I am not trying to put everything on front street here and have people I know in my community know what's up. But yea some of these brothers, how they go about getting a 2nd or 3rd is plain out hoodtastic and scary lol. I don't get it. Polygamy is so interesting because no situation is exactly the same. If sisters really and truly had iqram for each other women would feel differently and if brothers (American ) practiced it correctly more people might be willing to practice it . But too many sisters who don't give a dang bout the next , and grimey brothers make the perception and lifestyle have a bad name.
ReplyDeleteHey Jaiyana, Anonymous w/att
ReplyDeleteHope your life is filled with joy and happiness. We can benefit from different experiences in life - as long as there are benefits!!! Those that bring us closer to Allah and those that help us develop personally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially. I prayer that if you stay in this situation, you and Snipes are able to respect one another, at least - otherwise its just a whole bunch of drama that increases your stress level and sometimes some men and/or situations aren't worth the time which is so precious in this life. You are too young for that. Lonely nights become harder to tolerate when you also have malice in your heart. You didn't make Hassan sound like a total asshole, just a man exercising his rights despite telling you otherwise. This is where many men go wrong by just not being honest with whom they really are and rather suffer the consequences later. Because there are many people out there preaching, that he doesn't have to let his 1st or 2nd wife or whomever know. Good communication and honesty is essential for a strong healthy marriage. Respect for someone else's feelings can only bring people closer. Once trust is gone, Love doesn't mean a damn thing-marriage becomes a utility or tool lacking meaning and depth. Only you know the real deal as to his character. The sisters go wrong by being callous and not feeling they need to have any relationship with each other. Well that is indirect pinned up negative emotions that individuals are pretending doesn't exist. Remember you were looking for groundrules - I think its important and I may be wrong - not to let the sister know too much about you and vice versa, because some people like to gather ammunition and discredit others or use it for fitnah. Phone calls should be made as necessary and not to disturb the peace of the other purposely. Methods of communicating for emergencies should be established. Unless he doesn't care about her, he should answer the phone for emergency reasons. Otherwise, he should not maintain marriage with her. Either way, you all become a reflection of one another. Try not to give people the gossip they want which contributes to us all being punished for on the Day of Judgement. And Hassan needs to practice rules of respect between everyone or he's going to also be sorry in the end. Love you for the pleasure of Allah.
@Jaiyana you said
ReplyDelete" I haven't had to cook yet since I been back went shopping and to dinner yesterday which was tech her day but oh well lol." So when it's your day and he spends the day with her is it also lol? If you want him to be fair then you should be fair also. If it's funny when he treats her unfairly, I wouldn't expect much fair treatment to come your way from him.
@anon 12:08, Hassan is a grown man, he is responsible for himself and his actions on the day of judgment. He hasnt seen me in a month so naturally he wants to spend time with me. I have no control over what he does.I can give him input but bottom line is a man is gonna do what a man wants to do. If he wanted to spend the day with her, then he would have. This whole situation in my opinion hasnt be fair towards me, so a few days (her days) where he chills with me, i really dont see anything wrong with it. If she does, then she really has no Icqraam.
ReplyDeleteand also, on my days he doesn't spend the day with her. He works then comes home. She also works during the day and I dont, so if he is off, and she is working, he is going to be over here. Why would he spend his off day over there when she isnt even there? His queen is back, and he knows whats up.
ReplyDelete@ anony 11:14 pm....... very good points about ground rules. now that the marriage is several months old, ground rules have to be establish. examples: do the nights belong to the women? if so, when does the night start? 2) do the day belong to the man? if so, then can he handle whatever business he needs to with a wife? 3) what happens with emergencies? 4) what happens when a wife goes on a trip by herself, or you 2 go on a trip together? 5)what happens when a wife calls and he is with the other wife? should he answer it or not?
ReplyDeleteand there are more questions that need to be asked and solved. all 3 of you need to sit together and answer these questions. this is the fairness, justice. regardless of how long he has been married to #1, he has to treat both as equally as possible. minus exceptions, and undo circumstances. use the sunnah to help with ground rules.
i am in polygamy and we have ground rules set up. and in the beginning it was hard for #1. but now we are good friends. and we have a system that works for us. we used the sunnah. and it is fair, and just.
@Anon 1:39, good points, some rules will need to be made. I told him it is ok if he calls her, short calls at night say goodnight or whatever as long as he calls me on her night for the same.And as long as he isnt sitting in my face talking to her. No point of me pretending she doesnt exist. She knows I am here, and I know she is there. We (I) was thinking of rules, but not sure how everyone will take things.
ReplyDeleteBtw last anon how long have you been in polygamy and howdid it come about?
ReplyDeleteI think if your trying to stay focused on positive things you should be fair in order to avoid a bad pattern in the relationship. Yes Hassan is a grown man but if he is spending her days with you, that is not fair or Islamic -even if you have been out of town. What your teaching Hassan is that any time that he gives either of you is at his own discretion, and that it does not have to be equal time. Let's say Denise has some personal things going on with her, so Hassan decides to spend a day or two of yours with her to help her cope. He now knows that would be ok because on her day he spent it with you. You dont want to start a bad pattern with the time, it should be fair. It seems like you feel because your putting up with the situation you should get more time or extras but that is not going about it according to Islam. I just see it as backfiring that's all. If you guys are gonna have rules to try and make things work everyone should try to stick to them. You cant think the rules should bend for you becuz you are trying to go along with the situation or becuz ur the 1st wife, and Denise cant think the rules will bend for her because she's new. My whole point is, if you bend the rules, he'll think it's ok to bend them and so will she. Which I dont think is what you want.
ReplyDeletefrom anony 1:39 pm ...... i have been married for 6 years. and as far as ground rules, we use what prophet muhammad (sws)did. the nights belong to the women. starting at maghrib. he leaves one house after praying maghrib. if he needs to do things at night; business, masjid, study, whatever, etc. then he does it. he goes to the next house when he is finish. we women have every other night. the days are his. he goes to work, handle business, masjid, whatever. if he needs to help us during the day, then he does so. regardless of who's night it is. if he comes by a house to hang out in the daytime, then he will do the same to the other house the next day. he is fair with time and needs. he/we fear and love Allah. so we put Him first. we call when we need to talk to him, regardless of who's night/day it is. our children spend the night at each others house from time to time. we go shop for each other, cook for each other, watch each other's kids etc. we have family dinners, and islamic classes together from time to time. and if we go too long without seeing each other, we call and talk on the phone. it is truly beautiful.
ReplyDeleteDecember 27, 2010 3:56 PM
ReplyDeleteThat's really really great!!!! I wish that would be the case for all of us... seems kind of UTOPIA to me.. but Alhamdulillah I'm glad it works for someone!!! :D
@anon 3:56 wow that sounds like a nice arrangement :-) is it just you and 1 cowife or 3? That is something to consider having nights together and the day for him. Jus curious do u live in the US? It seems like most of the positive loving polygamy stories I hear of are always from women overseas . Too many people here have selfish , cut throat mentality for what your saying to be common here. It sounds nice though. May Allah guide everyone who is faced with this test to find tranquility in it and a balance. Just curious another ? You said you have been in it 6 years , how long would u say it took y'all before everyone got comfotable and adjusted? Seems like a 2-4 year period from most others I know who have been in this lifestyle for a long time .
ReplyDeletefrom anony. 3:56pm ...... we live in the usa. all 3 are converts (hubby, cowife and me). it took a year to adjust .... jealousy, envy, anger, etc. but we (me, her) got over that. hubby wasn't having it. we could express our feelings to him, but we still had to have islamic etiquette. and if we went off the deep end, or made accusations, he would remind us to fear Allah and not let shaytaan whisper crazy stuff to us. so it did take a year for us to get over our nafs. there were good and bad times during the first year. but we made it through. we had to get use to the schedule that hubby set. and that hubby wasn't going to run over to the other house just because the wife called. nor run out to the store just because the wife called. he would make us wait and be patient until he saw us on our night. and then he would bring what we needed or take us to get it, etc. made us have dinners, classes together, made us go shopping together, etc. the second year was when we really developed our friendship. defined it and help each other because we wanted to not because we had to.
ReplyDelete@jaiyana ... we have found the balance and tranquility. don't get me wrong... we have our moments. every family has their moments. but you work past that.
@Jaiyana, anonymous w/attitude.
ReplyDeleteI disagree. Women from overseas are just as callous. We give them too much credit because we think because they live in Islamic countries or because they are foreigners that they have open arms to everything. The first blog you started with had plenty foreign women who were presenting some very bad cases of "Men Going Wild" - not using the Sunnah at all in the matters of polygyny. I've heard of several stories of those women who aren't friends and don't get along. I know of a situation personally. I also know of Americans who have tried to make it work and those who have been living it for many years. It all boils down to the character of the man, what he brings to the table, spiritually, financially, emotionally. Is he a pillar of strength? Does he want to play women or protect/provide for them? I knew a brother who tried polygyny and said it did not stop him from wanting to be with other haram women. So is he the type of man that a woman should be chaste and loyal to or live this lifestyle for? Now he is single and doesn't want to deal with Muslim women at all? Is the man worth the sacrifice in terms of the Deen. Will being with him, bring everyone closer to Allah with the goal of Akirah. If its not done for the pleasure and fear of Allah, its just like other people who have decided to try this lifestyle out there in the world. There are plenty of people doing it to experiment and it has nothing to do with "GOD'! Look at other non-islamic blogs re: plural marriage.
@last anon w/Att good points made. The success depends on the bother. Because it's the bother who 1.decides he wants to practice it, 2. How he goes about finding #2 , who he chooses for #2 . is it some hoochie or a good Muslima with strong character. And then finally is he being fair and kind. Also was he taking care of #1 properly in the first place and fulfilling her needs. It really rest heavily , the responsiblity of it all on him. The women of course have their role too, but ultimatly the brother needs to really fear Allah for it to work. I know of one situation here where both wives are truly happy. But the brother is a doctor and very involved in the community /masjid so everyone would know if he is treating them unfairly. But that's one reason I also started this blog to gain more knowledge on the topic and share new expierences and ideas. Life is nothing but a continous opportunity for growth and development.
ReplyDelete@anon yes your right for some reason which I don't get nor would I ever be down with is living together .,Alot of the overseas sisters I've talked with live with the cowife or will live together. Polygamy is hard enough as it is without seeing the woman who's sleeping with your husband at your breakfast table. Jus saying US and abroad Muslimas can learn a lot from each other. And not that I think it's easier in countries just because it's an Islamic country. Some Islamic countries (I believe Turkey) might have check facts but tried to bann polygamy. I think it primarily has to do with the society of the pripleb. Like china would do good overall because people in that culture have a collectivisim mindset, wanting the best for the overall group/ society. But being in a country where it is common like Saudi would be easier dealing with social norms, if the guy was of course being fair and kind.
ReplyDelete@Jaiyaina, anonymous w/att - it is a learning process. I thank Allah he did not mandate the women to live together. I don't think any of the Prophet(SAS) wives stayed together. He would visit each of them until he arrived at the home which was her night. So where'd this concept of living together come from? Perhaps someone could answer this. Why would you not want to have your own personal space and raise your family the way you see fit. Sometimes husbands and wives don't even agree with each other on how to raise/discipline children. I know some say they have their own quarters. Ok and and... I'd probably be over there on her couch with popcorn, talking about, hmmm, hmmm have a seat - I love this movie, did you see it? They'd be looking at me like - ain't it time for you to go home>LMAO. I'd say well, I don't like being alone, ya'll don't mind, do ya? Shoot I ain't the one who wanted to live like this - YA'LL DID!!! LMAO. One wife could be messy, lazy and the other one clean - I couldn't imagine the inner struggle, contending with that everyday, trying to find peace when you need to study or just want to be alone one day. I'm clean, and I'm too the point - so I'd say, Sssiiss...(whispering with a chestercat grin and a spanish accent) If I have to pick this sh#! up one more time, I'm gonna show you what the f#@%, platanos and collard greens is,-you won't be asking me for a recipe!LOL. How do you make love passionately and wildly??? - I'm afraid my own neighbors might hear me. LOL. When I'd be saying, Whose -----is this?(fill in the blank as you please)How the hell do you argue without her chiming in? :O. I'd be like, mind your own damn business, do you know who I am? I'm Rick James, bi#@! Is it just a matter of finance? If that's the case - could he really afford it in the first place, if they have to live together. Choices...What the hell!
ReplyDeleteLmao @ Annon /w att. Omg that's all I needed to jump start this day some good laughs. Yes if someone could plz enlighten me on where the living together came from. The closest I would ever be comfotable with is both havin mini mansions in the same neighborhood. For the same reasons u mentioned I would snap everyday so that wouldn't work for me. I don't wanna have to stiffle my arguments so she don't hear. If I wanna curse him out I want the freedom to do so, or not tryin get busy with the other one up in the house. Yea that wouldn't work lmao @ popin popcorn and chillen on her couch classic I can see it now. Lol Also another thing with the living together makes it hard to jus walk around naked or like your shooting the next vickies commercial lol
ReplyDeleteLMAO at Anon.w/Att yep that would be a hot mess living with a sister, and having no privacy. We all go through our "times" and emotions can get the best of us. You wouldn't want to be having a bad day and still havin some sister in your face, like "oh sister what shall we make hubbie for dinner" lol You'd be ready to kick her and hubbie out the door. I can't stand the word hubbie!! LOL It just sounds so dumb?? Sorry, but yeah I know what you mean. I did read before the one sister blog you referred to on Jaiyana previous post. The "Polygyny in the Hood" story. Oh my gosh sooooo weird, and confusing. I remember they wanted to be living together too??? Eww than situation though just was so messing and dysfunctional, and not at all along the lines of what Islam teaches. I'm not anti-polygamy if the brother was exceptional, and religious, had plenty of money, kind, fair, loving, supportive, hmmm what else.....Uh and good father than yeah I could see things working. The wives would have to also be kind and Deeni too, and love each other for the pleasure of Allah. I know this is rare, but possible. I think the marriages would be so much easier if the sisters really cared about each other, and about being fair, and honest. @Jaiyana who jus walks around their house in their birthday suit?? Werid? I can see the Vickies though...LOL!!
ReplyDeleteASA everyone,
ReplyDeleteOn my way to take another exam! Just one more certification to add to my wall and hopefully this time it will increase my income :O. This is the first time I felt so prepared while not really being prepared, go figure -
@Umm Assad, your'e funny. I guess hubbie is a dumb word and its not very sexy. Hey people, try "poppi" or "Big Papa" or "Hot, sexy, Pimp" LOL. @Umm Assad is that a picture of you for real - you're very attractive. Almost look like me although I have smaller lips, hahaha.
@Jaiyana, don't give Sarah those recipes - next she's gonna want one of our men,LMAO (joke) - don't get all serious on me Sarah!
Everyone have a wonderful day and make dua that I do well, Ameen.
@ everyone. just like a woman can waive her rights to be maintain, she can waive her rights to having her own place or living quarters. now, if the sister should change her mind about not being maintained or sharing living space, then that is also her right. and the brother would have to provide full maintanance or separate living space/place. i do know of co-wives who live under the same roof. the brother explained his situation and #2 agreed. keep in mind some sisters are really struggling to maintain themselves. and don't mind sharing a 2/3 bedroom place. let's face it, these women aren't working, they stay at home. so they give up a little privacy to have a husband and be maintained this way for now. thinking it won't last forever.
ReplyDeletei also know of co-wives that live together but on different floors. upstairs/downstairs. or left side/right side. they have to share the kitchen but have separate bathrooms, etc. and the husband explains that this is what he wants. his family under 1 roof. so #2 knows and either accepts or rejects. i also know of co-wives where #1 had to give up big house because he couldn't afford 2 big homes. and had to settle for a smaller house that he could afford. so he could be fair to both wives. of course #1 wasn't happy. some stayed in the marriage and some left the marriage. which was sad. because the had to leave the house, live somewhere else, work full time, etc. i know some of these marriages are doing well, some of these marriages are on the rocks, some are divorced. but when the husband is up front with the wives/future wives, and explain how he wants to handle his household, then the women can decide to stay or go.
@ummAsaad, it depends what mood i am in what i call him lol. Sometimes he the hubbie, or "mr. sexy. or mr.sexy face, Babe, love. or 'that fool" lol know of someone who uses "the hubster" i think thats cute.. But anyway..lol
ReplyDelete@anon good luck on the exam , inshallah u will do very well.
@Huda interesting. The two separate floor thing if it was a super big, like crazy big mansion might work..if i actually liked Denise. Too many factors involved for that to be a success lol.
@Anon.w/Att. Noooooo! LOL This is definitely not a real pic of me. I think it's kinda one of those animated pics actually. I wouldn't put someone's real face on here. I just choose it because it's mysterious, and beautiful. You must be beautiful then if you resemble the woman in the pic,Mashallah. Hope you do well on your test. Oh and Jaiyana I think living close may work again if the sisters loved each other, and trusted each other, and the husband was a righteous man......you never know. He should probably be over 40 though, young guys seem too immature to handle this type of business??? What do you think?
ReplyDelete@ummAssad, yea it would take a special guy to handle the whole live in scenario properly as well as 2 awesome cowives. Not to be all debbie downer or whatever, but it doesnt seem realistic to be in that situation and love it. But i could be wrong lol there is always the exception to the rule.
ReplyDelete