Hey world. Hope everyone is doing swell out there. So Its been a rough couple of weeks. I have come to the realization that this life of polygamy is so not for me. For multiple reasons its just not the lifestyle I plan or want to live. Its too much hurt, drama, and its not worth it. Nowhere in the Quran does it say that marriage has to suck. No where does it say we must endure pain for a magic golden ticket. Bump that. I am so over this. I really dont think Its fair that I should have to go through an extended period of pain for what? Guess, I'm rambling a little tonight... But I just feel its messed up when certain second wives try to get on the team with the intention of destroying a marriage. Seriously that's an evil bitch attitude to have. Where is the Iqraam in that? I am just tired of hurting and feeling like this. Part of me really wanted to be optimistic with all this and be the exception to the rule, the couple that actually last in this polygamy lifestyle..but that is not looking like a possibility. Its time for me to really analyze and work on my exit strategy beacuse I really feel I can no longer do this. I plan to make istakara about it tomorrow but I already feel with about 89% certainity that I want to bounce. Hassan can have fun with Denise and I really hope he gets a third wife after I leave him so she can feel what it is truly like to be in my shoes. I know that is kinda mean to say but I really dont give an eff right about now. I just dont want to waste my youth on a loser and being unhappy. I'd rather be single than deal with this. I know Denise will be so excited when I leave him for good, since that was her whole master plan. The crazy part about all this is trying to plan my exit strategy. Because right now even though I wanna bounce I love my job, my business is doing well, and I love my city. I might just tell Hassan to leave and stay with Denise and I'll keep our house until I figure it all out. Decisions, decisions.. Oh in other news Denise got a job, so she is supposed to start this week. This whole situation is so annoying. I'm so over it. Guess i'm a little bit of a Debbie Downer tonight but oh well..it is what it is. Just tired of trying to give what I dont got. I'm young fly, educated, I can really do much better than this.
Salaam Alaikum,
ReplyDeleteI can feel your frustration and pain through your words... Whatever you decide (to stay or leave) the choice is yours and you need to do what will make you happy. I dont really understand how some women stay in marriages where they are miserable and unhappy just to keep their husband happy. Yes, its good to keep our husband happy but the same applies to the wife. She also needs to be happy. So often its all about keeping the husband happy with little regard to the wives feelings. I know this decision will not be easy but inshaAllah everything will fall into place and you will find some peace in your heart.
As-salaam Aaikum Sister,
ReplyDeleteI can feel your pain, doing Istikara is a must before acting, but before making a decision pls PAUSE... seek refuge of Allah from shaytaan and then write down the pros and cons, what do expect from the future now and what do you expect if you leave? Put it all infront of you on paper and don't leave it as rushing thoughts and emotions, THEN plead to Allah SWT to show you the decision that is best for you, THEN decide and make Istikara for Allah (SWT) to guide you, make it easy for you and make you content with your decsision.
If your husband is making things difficult ask Allah to guide him and you can tell him that he must handle his other wife himself, he shouldn't destroy your marriage because he can't handle another. Your marriage does not have to have anything to do with his other wife, ask him to keep that business in that house. You have been trying so hard to learn more about how to deal with it, tell him its about time he turn to the Sunnah and do research himself.
Will be making dua for you too. (this is former umm shudah - realised that the new spelling is more correct)
Lol like how you say "Mean people suck..." anywayz you can get a divorce if you are unhappy in a marriage. You can take a look at sahih muslim book of divorce i know it's alot to look through but this should help: http://sunnahfollowers.net/Sahih-Muslim/www.adly.net/deed/hadith/muslim/009_smt.html
ReplyDeleteAs far as I know there is nothing wrong with waiving ALL your time. If you can't stand to see him or deal with him right now jus, tell him to stay at Denise's house. Don't worry about what they will do or how happy Denise will be when you leave Hassan. How you get a man is how you'll lose him. If she thinks for 5 seconds it's jus gonna be her then that's really delusional. This is a lifestyle he wants to practice, it doesn't seem to matter how many wives he goes through. He's not gonna rest until he's satisfied his "need". Worry about yourself. The only problem you seem to be having in my opinion, is you actually still care about Hassan, and love him too??? I know it's hard to let things go, but you have to make dua and do what is best for you. You don't have to go through prolonged suffering, the choice is yours, and the ball is in your court. Don't wait for Hassan to start caring, or be this "magical fantasy husband", he doesn't know how nor does he care to learn. Some people only care about SELF. I've been infatuated before, it's different than love. Love actually feels good, where as infatuation will have us stalking a dude. Not saying I did that, jus in general don't let yourself fall too low. It is Hassan's job as a husband to love, care, provide, maintain, be affectionate, spend deeni time with you, ect. You know his shortcomings better than anyone. If he is not doing his job as a husband ask yourself is that because of taking a new wife or has he been neglectful of his duties all along. It really is a light bulb moment when you decide to peace out. Something jus clicks, and you are lookin like what the heck have I been doing all this time. For me I got mad at myself for staying longer than I should have. Then of course you look back like man that dude was such a looser and did not deserve me at all!! Any women who has been divorced or been with a looser, can I'm sure relate to what I'm saying. So turn on the care button for Jaiyana, and turn it off for Hassan. Jus ignore him for as long as possible. Live you life, and do you. I haven't really been on the computer as much these days, because it's doesn't help my cardio routine. One thing I've been doing is working out hard everyday especially if I'm upset It makes me feel stronger, and I'm getting myself in good shape!! You should try it.
ReplyDeleteSo make your istikaraha and dua, and do what is pleasing to Allah. If you feel your situation is not pleasing to Allah then do what you need to do. Allah sees everything and answers the duas of the oppressed. Something I've learned too is that if a situation is not good, or spiritually benefiting us make dua and Allah will remove it from us. It's hard and scary going through a divorce, but it can also feel like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders too. Allah knows best.
Got a little headache. I really haven't had chance to post because my business has been really busy lately and have had to do a lot of work for that. Also my other official job although I love my job, it does require me to be there and work lol. It is slacker friendly. But my time is limited alot more now .But just a quick update.Inshallah I will read all the replies and respond tomorrow when i have time. So i didnt get a chance to make istakara last night. Hassan came home trying be all nice got me some roses and a card. Card saying how much he loves me and appreciate me and thanks me for being there for him through everything. Im like whatever dude. But yea i will follow up tomorrow inshallah. Salaams. Have a good night everyone.
ReplyDeleteIn an abusive relationship the man always tells the wife he loves her, or brings flowers or cooks dinner or cleans the house, etc. after he's trampled on her feelings or hit her or has been unfaithful. Maybe to get her back on the team, Allah knows best. Jaiyana, when you get sick and tired of feeling "sick and tired" you will pray for the courage to change. Allah can give you the courage that you need to make a life altering change in your life. He is there for you. You can only change you.
ReplyDeleteI cant say it any better than Umm Assad who always has just the right words to say...Mashallah! I know this has been hell on you. You have every right to do what will make you happy. What is life if you arent happy in it? One point I do want to give u is this....It has only been couple of months right? Give it a little more time hun. Maybe not the year as discussed before but how about 6 months? I know you love him and he loves you...hang on to that.
ReplyDeleteLove don't love nobody. Women get stuck in bad marriages because they are afraid of something. FEAR = face, everything, and recover. Or false evidence appearing real. Think about it.
ReplyDeleteoooooh sweety this so sucks. Are you sure? I much prefer you more positive posts. As someone suggested cant you tell him you want a 'breather' for a few months while you work things out? This will also give Denise the fulltime with him, and it may not be what she expected.
ReplyDeleteAre you hurting because you have to share Hassan or because he is doing something in your relationship with him to hurt you? I was under the impression that your relationship with him was beautiful and that he is totally appreciating every wonderful ounce of you. Sending you messages saying he's missing you while at the other place sounds very much like you are number one in his book.
ReplyDeleteIf there is something I'm missing, then for sure pray istikhara and see. If not, then please give it some time. One year isn't very long...and it is a reasonable amount of time to see what develops. He could be divorced by then, or he could have set things right and changed the whole dynamic of the threesome.
Why am I typing all this? Because I've seen your right-minded positive thinking and I know you can do better than this. Your relationship with your husband is your business...if it's good, then please think again.
I still haven't made istakara yet been dog tired. But I will say this All men are not created equal. Mai I appreciate your concern, perhaps if I had the type of arrangment U do seein him everyday and on my nights he didn't have to work so late. If we had a different arrangement I would probably maybe feel differently. But I don't my life is what it is. Yes one year is not that long of a time frame but that's far too long to go thru anymore hurt. Hassan wants me and Denise to be friends, very briefly I considered this . But when a woman marries ur husband with the plan of breaking up ur marriage, I could never trust, respect or befriend that type of person. So maybe she will "win" and her master plan will be complete , I really don't even care. I told Hassan to stay over there and don't come home but he came home anyway .. Ugh such a nuisance. Anywys later have a good weekend.
ReplyDeleteInshallah everything will be okay, I'm sure you know what is best for you and your own life. Continue Ask Allah for guidance this is a really hard situation to be in, I'm sure. I think I would have failed miserably by now, if it was me :0{ @Daisy thanks for the compliment! I try my best.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing? Give us an update...I am concerned about you.. Hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteJai, it's me Mai,LOL
ReplyDeleteHear me now, remember later...when someone is wrong and you are right, you will always come out on top if you stick with it. I do not see you as any kind of quitter Jai, so here's what I have to say.
There are two points to consider here:
1. Take it head on...deal with Denise and show her what real sisterhood in Islam is. I'm not saying open your heart and pour your soul out to her (gag, gag!). I'm saying, deal with her politely, with manners and iqram. You remember what you said to me about my co-wife? How she didn't have the same level of deen and iqram? Well, I maintained my standards, regardless of the fact that I was totally not feeling Zainab. All that will happen if you take the initiative in this, is that you will look good, great, spectacular...and more. Not only that, you will take the huge piece of Allah's reward for every ounce of civility.
2. If you spend a little time with Denise (ugh, that's my middle name pre-Islam so it's tough having it associated with your arch enemy) you will be giving da'wah. Whenever we spend time with someone and show positive behavior that is pleasing to Allah, it is da'wah. Have you ever considered that modelling behavior based on emaan, taqwa, and iqraam will actually show her how to act? Have you considered that in doing so, you almost shame her into behaving well?
3. Have you looked at the aspect of praying for her to come closer to Islam, so that you have a new and improved version of co-wife to deal with? Remember when I said I prayed for both my husband AND my co-wife in disaster number one? Well, after a couple of meetings with Zainab, I made dua' for her in the Rowdah Sherifa! If she has treated you wrongly, there is a chance your dua' is direct. If she comes to better deen, you can only benefit. After all, a no fitna co-wife who fears Allah and will never look as good, cook as well, or think as dynamically as you is a damn good deal.
4. As for Hassan working late and the two day alternation, these are things you need to discuss. These are valid things to discuss, because they are putting too much strain on you and your relationship. Perhaps a little agreement can be worked out...you deal with Denise a little, he returns to alternate days. Then you'll have a chance to shine in comparison and you will not be left alone for 48 hours to listen to shaytaan's whispers.
If you walk away, it isn't Denise that wins, it's shaytaan...and you may never feel like you lived up to your potential to handle the situation leading the way by example.
Big, big love to you Jai...from Mai
Erm...that wasn't two points was it? Sorry, forgot how to count!
ReplyDeleteAre you ok? What's going on?
ReplyDelete