Asalaam-alaikum world. I have been really busy. And kind of avoiding polygamy blogs/groups for awhile. It can be overwhelming and depressing at times. So I had to step back. Well whats going on with me? Well, I have decided to divorce Hassan. Polygamy is def not for everyone and defiantly not for me. Inshallah I will be moving in a few months and relocating closer to family. He isn't really taking me sayin I want a divorce seriously but oh well when I move then he will see how serious I am. Denise..that sister (and I use that word very lightly) is a fitna factory and has some serious issues. Not going to go into the whole scenario but I believe she is very insecure with herself and needs some intense therapy for mental illness.LOL But on a bright note I am doing well in my new job and my business is doing better than ever. Guess thats all the update I really want to post right now. It is what it is. I really do not think men fully understand what they are asking of their awesome wife when the plan to "exercise their rights" and practice polygamy. Also I really think its really stupid for people to try to practice one sunnah at all cost while failing to implement things that are FARD and other more important sunnahs. This is just my two cents. At this point I dont feel there is anything, anyone can say to convince me to stay with Hassan. I told him unless he gives me 1 BILLION dollars, lol thats the only how I see myself staying. So oh well time for him to kick rocks.
Wow! I kind of had an idea that was going on. I am with you on how this is very hard. I dont think men realize how much we women struggle with this. I still believe, and no one will ever tell me different, that this is one of the most selfish things they can do!! I am so glad other aspects in your life are going well, alhamdulillah! Aside from the men in our lives that can cause us so much heartache, it is nice to have something that is so rewarding! I am glad you have that to lean on...Inshallah, you will find the happiness you deserve! I still pray that these foolish men will wake up and realize how much of idiots they are and stick to just one! Hugs to you across the big pond!!
ReplyDeleteYea i am with you this has been the hardest mind breaking situation I have ever been in. I am with you, it is the most selfish thing a man can do, its like dang dude quit being greedy. But yeah Hassan is about to be replaced. Nothing shy of 1 billion dollars can make me stay with him lol. Yea it is good other things are going well. I think if my job sucked also then I would be completely loosing it. I actually look forward to working. It is disappointing to come to this conclusion after everything that has happened but this is really the ONLY option for me.
ReplyDeleteyou sure you don't want to go to counseling? sit with the imam/shaykh at your masjid? or talk to your wali and have him talk to hassan? have someone mediate for you? once you demand a kulla that is it. you can't remarry him during the iddah. it is finale once you give back the dowery and hassan accepts it. you can't marry him again unless you marry someone else, divorce them. and then you can marry hassan again. please think long and hard about this decision. think and try every avenue, every possible option out there.
ReplyDeleteLmao I have no intention to marry him again once is def enough. There is no point in talking to a imam or sheikh when I have no plans to stay in this situation.?Hassan is lucky i am here now. Give back dowery? Hmm yea that's probably not going to happen lol. I think lil Wayne said it best when he said " she lives in a mindset I could never move to." That's how I feel about Hassan his logic and thinking is nothing like anything that makes sense or that resembles common sense. I have no desire to try to break my brain trying to figure it out. Lol We want different lifestyles . It is what it is. But I understand what you are trying say Huda as far as try every possible option , but sometimes all that trying is so not worth it. Denise is a complete psycho triflen fitna queen who I have no interest in any realationship with . Nor would I ever want anything To do with her on any level unless it was giving her $ for a one way ticket to Zimbabwe . The whole threes company trifecta is not my cup of tea or chai lol. So much I wish I could say but I'd rather not. This has been an eye opening expierence to say the least .
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that men get the free ticket to do whatever and we as women need to "seek help from a Sheikh to deal with it??" I think you gave it enough time, you tried to deal with it...you are done. I am not advocating a divorce but only you know deep down how much more you can take. Obviously it isnt much more. I know you have prayed on this and have many sleepless nights agonizing over this situation. I am really sad for you that you are going thru this! Ughh! Men!! They want to practice this Sunnah as if they were living the life the Prophet lived but the same time they have a life full of fitnah and cause heartache to everyone involved. Our Prophet also said to be kind to their wives... I really wish they would live the Sunnah in every aspect of their life and not pick and choose which will suit them.... (as you have mentioned before) I think that this situation could have worked out if not for all the "drama" that surrounds it. My prayers and thoughts are with you no matter what road Allah takes you down...
ReplyDeleteAs for giving back the Mahr...I dont think you need to do that if you ask him to divorce you...am I right?
(((Jaiyana)))
ReplyDeleteI know that you tried as hard as you could...it's tough...Life is hard...but when you are in a marriage and you start feeling like you're working down in a coal mine...it's not supposed to be that hard. Do what is best for YOU!!! May Allah help you and give you comfort during this trying time. Ameen.
(((hugs)))
Munira
aslaamu alaikum wa rahmatuallahi wa barakatu.
ReplyDeleteMake istikhara, ask Allah and pray before you make any big decisions. and im sure you were doing all this for a long time, so insha'allah its for the best. You deserve good and remember that you dont need to give back your dowry.
As salaamu alaykum!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you are clear in your mind about the situation. When Allah Guides, go with it. There is no doubt that polygyny is a huge lesson for us all. We women see what bad judgement men can have, how incredibly selfish and fitna-ful other "sisters" can be, and men have to lose all the REAL good they had before they even start wondering silently to themselves if they made a little mistake. May Allah shower His blessings and guidance on you - ameen.
Daisy, if a woman asks for divorce it is called a khula and she pays for her freedom by returning the dower or something of reasonable value that they agree upon. It's always better to get the man to divorce the woman, if possible.
my dear sister i pray whatever path you choose may Allah make it easy for you.
ReplyDeleteAlthough im the 2nd so people see me as 'the side piece', i was in this same position a few weeks ago and boy it was hard. i dont think your fitna could top mine :p I was requesting a divorce almost everyday because i couldnt handle the drama! still not divorced but taking a cooler at the moment!
*big fat hug*
Hmmm why did you only ask "Hassan" for 1 billion dollars in order for you to stay with him?? Why set any limits on yourself? lol How bout 10 billion, or 20? You do deserve some kind of something for all the drama you've put up with. Maybe your special gift will be peace of mind, clarity, happiness, contentment, and a very big lesson learned. One thing about peace of mind is, no amount of money in the world can buy it. Once you have peace you always, ALWAYS want it, and cherish it. I know it's been extremely hurtful, devastating, and unfair the things you've dealt with. It really has very little to do with "Hassan" taking seconds, and more to do with him being oppressive, and unkind. Theses life lessons are very hard, and it will take time to get over. You're a strong girl, and you will be just fine, Inshallah. Inshallah your husband will have mercy, and give you a talaq, so then you won't have to get a khula, and give back your dowry. lol I definitely don't see you giving anything back regardless of what happens, lol! It's definitely focus on you time. You've focused on your relationship, and the other sister enough. So it's back to getting yourself together. @Daisy I do agree with you about the whole selfish mentality. It is, and at the end of the day I think we (women) all feel the same. I have two people, now who are close to me who are involved polygyny. Of course it's hard for them, and not something they wanted to be a part of, but the decision was made for them, (by the husband of course). So they try to be positive, and not let their situation get them down. When I look at their husbands It really upsets me, because the only reason they did take seconds was to benefit their own nafs (desires). Now the wife/children are suffering. I asked one of them what is the benefits now that it's happened, and she said her husband seems happier. UGGGGGHHH!! So annoying. It's so sad. I really want to know if a brother does not have his wife in proper housing, (appropriate standards) and they are not making a lot of money isn't that unfair, and like oppression? To keep her in inadequate housing ,and making her have to take care of the kids while he goes and is with his other wife? In my opinion that doesn't seem very Islamic. Just focus on you, and know Allah hears your duas, and you will be okay Inshallah. Whatever "Hassan" has done he will be accountable for his actions, as will your his other wife. We all will. Just Make sure your slate is wiped clean (repentance). None of us are perfect, but we are all striving to be on the Sirat Al-Mustaqim.
ReplyDeleteChile, don't get me started, cuz I don't have too much to say that wouldn't have a cuss word in it. On that note, I hope everyone is doing well.
ReplyDeletesalaams sis. I completly get it.
ReplyDeleteInshAllah everything will be fine.I'm with Daisy on this one. Don't give back the dowry.
Big hug to you! Divorce is not easy but I know you will get through it! I think polygamy only works when the husband makes a real effort to keep his wives happy. That is no easy task and a lot of men marry more than 1 wife for the wrong reason or bring drama into the marriage and cause stress for the other wives. With that said, congratulate yourself for sticking with it for as long as you did! Not a lot of women would have stayed but you did. I dont think I would have been as strong but alhamdulillah you are strong and have dealt with this situation with patience.
ReplyDeleteAre you ok? I am worried about you!! Did you get your billion dollars?? :-) Let me know you are alright....Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteHeeeey , no didnt get billion dollars lol I wish. I am doing good just been busy, kinda hard to read and stay bloggin when you really have no positive things to say. I dont want to be all debbie downer for those that are trying to deal with their situations best as they can so I will keep to myself for now. Hugs to you hope you are doing good. I know I have been a slacker friend so sorry :-(
ReplyDelete