Asalaaamu-Alaikum world whats really good. Been having a good week at work and despite the snow have been having a good few days with Hassan. Lots of movie nights since too cold to go out and do much. Lots of things are on the horizon for this weekend, spring cleaning, lots of laundry, and grocery shopping. Also work on some projects for school. Fun fun fun. Been working out all week and have lost 5lbs yay! Doing a combination of Jillian michaels 30 day shred and hitting up the gym for some intense cardio. So anyways its so interesting how people paint a picture of themselves one way and then get in to something and are totally a different way. Let's just say Hassan is feeling bamboozled right about now. A lot of the things him and Denise agreed upon before hand, and things she said she was down with she is re-niggin on. Which I told him would happen. But sometimes people have to learn things the hard way and burn their hands before they know the fire is hot. Oh well I tried to help him out so he wouldnt be under a mountain of stress. Somehow mysteriously she has lost her job. They originally agreed that he would pay what little bit he could afford and she said she was fine with that. And when he could do more he would do more, maybe next year or so. So what a surprise now all of a sudden I have a job and Denise does not. But dont get it twisted nothing is changing over this way. Regardless of their financial situation , my money is mine. I know that may sound selfish but oh well. I still love Hassan and dont want him strugglin but he knows and admitting that marrying her was a mistake for many reasons. I think what it truly was is after Denise caught feelings, fell in love or whatever she started resenting the fact that she had to work and pay most of her bills and I did not. So "somehow" she ends up unemployed and expects Hassan to cover everything knowing good and well that wasn't the agreement. Needless to say Hassan is less than pleased. But I guess the good thing about all this is he has been so appreciative of me even more so. Often people dont realize how good they had it till they get something that is so different and way worse than what they had. Then suddenly they are doing everything in their power not to loose the jewel that was already before them. I dont know how all this is going to play out. But to feel bamboozle and misled very early on is not a good sign for success.
Anyways today has been truly a beautiful day, have gotten a lot accomplished :-) So the phrase for today is keep it real lol. Also I think some second wives come into the mix thinking they are replacing someone and thinking they are going to regulate things, and that they are the missing piece of what the husband has been searching for his whole life. (not all but this was the vibe I got from Denise) So when sh-t hits the fan and they realize "oh snap i'm not the wind beneath his wings" its a rude awakening. But that life. :-) hope everyone enjoys their weekend I know I will. And I forgot about fitna free Friday this week was crazy busy inshallah i will get back on board next week.
Salaams Jaiyana,
ReplyDeleteGood to hear that you are doing well. Alhumdulilah. Wow, you lost 5 lbs. this week, Mashaallah. I know I need to lose a good 5 myself, lol.
Did o'gurl get fired or did she quit? I know Hassan is not a happy camper since working was part of the requirement to being on "his team". Bwahahahahaha.
You tried to tell him. Heck, you did tell him. Some folks just cannot be told. They gotta find out the hard way.
A hard head makes a soft behind. When the world has to teach you it hurts. Ouch!
You tried to tell him. :)
@Munira yes, I tried to tell him. He said to me the other day "babe everything you said about her before was true." I told him, i wasn't trying to hate on him or throw salt in his relationship, was seeing things for what they were. And was trying have him avoid being stressed out to the point of no return. So now he has learned a valuable lesson "i am always right" lol But not sure if she quit or got fired. This is what i asked him, that is a mystery to him as well. He says she got fired but the details are shaky as to why. Blaming it on the economy. But the economy is making a comeback. So I really dont trust anything she has to say. Anyways time for some hazelnut coffee and to finish some task. :-)
ReplyDelete@Munira LOL bawhahaha!! Guess it didn't feel so nice payin all her bills while you were sittin pretty at home gettin taken care of. Yeah I would be re-niggin too, lol. Hassan had specific guidelines for his "teammates", and one of those guidelines was, "a sister better be working"! No Money, No Honey. However Denise is within her rights to reinstate his financial obligations on her. When women sell themselves short they always regret it. That's one thing I've heard before from older brothers who have made this same mistake. They advise brothers not to marry a women who says she will waive her rights to equal money, because the situation ALWAYS changes. If your a brother, and you can't afford to provide for two families then don't be trying to get seconds, Period. It's not fair to the second wife that she should have to waive her rights just to be with a man. I think that's disrespectful for a man to even ask of a women. I would feel kinda insulated if a man thought he was gonna marry me, and not have to be responsible. It's a learning lesson for everyone.
ReplyDeleteBy the way hazelnut coffee is so good, I've been making Chai, and mixing hazelnut creamer in it. It tastes so good!
@umm assad,
ReplyDeletesorry to be the grammar police but it's "insulted", lol. Hazelnut coffee with hazelnut creamer, yum!
Chile, seems like folks don't see nuthin' 'til the icing has worn off the cake, then all of a sudden folks breath stank, they hate how the other chews their food, they hate that he/she spends so much time on the phone, they hate when he/she leaves the toothpaste cap off the toothpaste, the list can go on and on.
Yep, sounds like Hassan & o'gurl are smellin' the stankin' coffee! Bwahahahaha!
Oh girls, this one just cracked me up! It is like a broken record hearing that the subsequent wife just isn't what he thought, LOL! I laugh when I hear brothers blow off the idea of the first wife meeting the next...especially when he knows the first wife has her head and deen screwed on rightly. If our judgment is good on everything else, why don't they listen when it comes to this?
ReplyDeleteI think we should do a survey asking how many first wives have to bite their tongue when what they really want to do is scream, "I told you so!"
Really it is about learning lessons. Men, on this matter, always seem to have to learn the hard way.
i have a theory. You had said that things weren good over on that end of town. Maybe she sensed this as well. This could be her way of hanging on. Hassan could say goodbye easier to a wife that was paying her own bills than to a wie that has no job. What would people say about him? I think this girl is smarter(sneakier) than we give her credit for....wowzaa! I agree with Umm Asad, she has every right to ask for what is her right but this just seems kind of underhanded. This is like a soap opera Jaiyana....keep us posted
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ReplyDelete@Munira yep, folks are looking around now like snap. what was i thinking. the dust done settled and wind done blew in the funk. And its not good lol.
ReplyDelete@Mai yep, Oh well tried to tell folks but they gotta learn the hard way. I guess it would be mean to say to him "I told you so" lol yea i think he is already hearing it from his mom also. So I dont even have to say anything else to rub it in.
@Daisy I think her reason for mysteriously losing her job was jealously. Even though she knew before hand what he could agree to and was "ok" with it. In reality when she saw i wasn't paying anything over this way, and Hassan was still giving me spending money, yet she had to always foot her own bill she wanted some of that too. I think sometimes for women money= love/caring. So not having him pay for stuff there,but paying here probably made her feel used and or not loved and cared for. But the money issue is just one of the things he is unhappy with. I wont go into the other things but its defiantly not what he thought it would be like. Yep it is like a soap lol. We shall see how it all plays out lol
@Munira LOl thanks for spell "checking" me, I don't feel "insulated" at all. Oh opps lol I mean Insulted. Got myself lookin slow up in here! Yeah it's bad when the brother is making a stanky face at the new wife so early on.
ReplyDelete@Mai I'm sure it's hard for sisters not to say "I told you so". You want soooo badly. I'm sure Jaiyana wants to, but yeah he already knows what's up now. One thing about learning the hard way is you're usually not gonna make the same mistake twice. So everyone's wiser for the future. Also that is an interesting theory Daisy has, but if he can't afford her bills, and he's not all in love with her, and he doesn't really care what others think, then her "plan" just may fail. One big turn off for a man who is not paid, is if a women starts tryin get all in his pockets. Can't be messin with a "brutha's" money! lol....expect to get dissed quickly! He's gonna be all stressed trying to pay her bills and Jaiyana's, and that wasn't in his plans. LOL Denise is playing hard ball now. If she wants to keep Hassan she better hurry and find a Job!.....and the story continues....
an old imam/shayk was talking to some brothers (this was years ago) and gave them some good advice. he said, "when you take a second wife ask yourself if you would marry her as your first wife. if the answer is yes, then marry her. if the answer is no, then don't." the brothers i know who followed this or figured it out on their own, have successful marriages. the brothers who didn't do this and followed only their lust, or the 80/20 rule didn't have successful marriages.
ReplyDeletethe successful brothers aren't as stressed. they have a system, a flow. sometimes the wives have to wait longer, be patient, sometimes he can get to things right away. it's an adjustment for everyone. the 1st., 2nd, and him have to make the adjustments and sometimes even sacrifices.
denise has the right to not work. she shouldn't have made the agreement and hasan shouldn't have married her knowing he couldn't afford her. so he will have to decide to keep her or divorce her. personally, he shouldn't divorce her, he needs to make more money, or find the money to support her. make dua to Allah to help him, and make it easy for him.
@Umm Asaad, yep if Denise knows whats up she better find a job quick. Hassan isnt happy with that. I dont think he cares too much of what others may think right now I think he is more focused on his stress level than that.
ReplyDelete@Huda, yep now this one I agree with you on. If brothers thought about marrying a 2nd as if it were their first they may be more stricter on the criteria of women they are willing to accept. But often a man is very picky when it comes to the 1st, and then the 2nd they are looking at the 80/20 rule. and in my case the 95/5 rule lol. But soon they realize what they thought was missing is so not worth all the other stuff/drama stress. It is her right to be taken care of. Even though i dont like her she still has rights. I told her this before they got married that she shouldn't give up her rights just to marry him. And she tried to say "their relationship is based on love not money" Hmmm how quickly she changes her tune. But at Huda Hassan works very hard to provide. The cost of living where we live is expensive and we live in a nice area. So he would have to be supper baller status to get Denise on the same level , because im not downsizing. Right now Hassan is already supper busy working long hours. Getting another job for him right now is basically impossible as far as time unless he clones himself lol. So Denise will be out of luck.
As Salamu Alaikum.
ReplyDeleteMy dear sisters, I just want to know whether you stayed with your hubbies or not. What happened to your children? How are they dealing with this and how do you handle it?
Jaiyana dear, it seems to me you are very mcuh hoping that when Hassan realizes you are correct, he'll divorce Denise. What happens if she gets pregnant?
I fear for my children now. I know that if my hubby marries again, I'll divorce him. Right now I'm filled with rage, told hubby not to compromise my kids' security, and to stop whatever it is he's having with this woman, or I'll stop it for him. I'm not even afraid to make a scandal. I'm at a point where I really don't care anymore about my relationship with my husband. I just want to get back at him and this woman.
@Jaiyana,
ReplyDeleteYep, o'gurl betta get out and kick up some mud! Bwahahahahahahah!!! As the pimps say! She knew what time it was when she said "I do". When it comes down to it I'm sure her bills are in HER name. The gas company, water company, landlord, etc. is gonna be looking at HER to pay or she's gonna get shut-off or kicked out.
In the meantime, she can apply for unemployment bennies. She can call 211 for referrals to get assistance.
@Munira LOL at Unemployment Bennies! What's a sister to do? Guess you better get to lookin up some resources! @Huda I also agree with the advice given to the brothers, you mentioned. I think that is excellent advice actually.
ReplyDelete@Jaiyana LMAO at the 90/5 rule!
@Pin when this has come up in my house (interest in taking seconds) I try to handle it by not feeding into things more than what they are. I feel I have to deal with things that are right in my face and not far off, Allah knows best. If you have young kids they may not really understand what going on. I think kids look at their mom in stressful situations to see how they should react. I'm trying to envision a man explaining to his kids why he won't be seeing them as much. I guess time will tell?
my hubby explained to his kids when he married me. they had a long discussion about it. and he continued to talk to them about it. the kids knew me already. so they thought it was cool. another place to eat, sleep, and play. i was working at the time. he doesn't like us to work outside the home, can't work full time. we can work part time and at home. unless we work at an islamic school, or helping the muslim community. at the end of the school year, i quit my job. months later, she was feeling the affects of me quiting my job. she hadn't worked in years. and i always worked and had my own money. but now, no job, no money.... unless i ask hubby. she was getting upset, unhappy about the finances, etc. she was mad at me for not working. and the children started to be really nasty toward me. when she was happy with me the kids would be too. when she was mad or upset with me the kids would be too. problem was, it was easier for her to be mad at me and make it my fault as oppose to being mad at hubby or working it out with him. which wasn't going to work. because he believes in fairness and being just. money, time, etc.
ReplyDeleteI love Jillian Michaels! Im also doing her 30 day shred! She definitely kicks ass lol
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the weight loss!
Ohhh i was wondering why your posts hadnt come up on blogroll for a while, clicked it to realise there were a lot of posts lol.
ReplyDeleteInshaAllah ur ok, catching up with the posts ive missed, losing that much is great mashaAllah :d