When I was first presented with this situation, omg I am not going to lie, this dude was about to have me catch a case. I really thought he started smoking crack somewhere or maybe some PCP, because the whole thought of me being in polygamy was such a delusional thought for him to say. I really was about to lose it..lol a few times.But then after I snapped back to reality I realized nothing is worth my sanity, and Allah's plan for me is bigger than what ever issue I am facing. Yes , this has been such an emotional ride, and I really feel any man trying to consider this has to be exceptional. Not just ok baller status, but seriously knows how to deal with a woman's emotions and needs. I think most men who go thru this, at some point thinking, when did my awesome wife turn into a bi-polar psycho LOL. Its cool it happens to the best of us. But ladies and gents, just keep in mind the saying "this too shall pass" , anytime you feel like throwing up a peace sign and calling it quits.
Getting a life is necessary and it truly helps. I defiantly had more than enough things to do before all of this, but consciously adding activities that I liked to my schedule, not just things I needed to do has really helped. One of the reasons first wives have such a hard time with the hubbie getting a 2nd (if done in a halal manner& if the hubbie is awesome) is that often we put so much effort into trying to please our husbands and be the perfect wife. So when he has the audacity to try to get a 2nd after all the hard work and "training" lol you put into him, your looking at this dude like he is crazy. Not only that as women we are wired to be caregivers and nurturers, and often if our hubbie is a sweetheart we put him on a pedestal. When the idea of polygamy enters the conversation we soon realize although we can give 100% of our heart to him, he would like to give 50%. Slowly he is taken from the pedestal and we realize he is only human. He has desires and needs which we may never fully understand. This is why you cannot make your husband your LIFE. No matter how awesome he is it is unhealthy for him to be your whole world. Get a life and surround yourself with things and people you love. This situation doesnt define me, and it will not. I am much more than a "first wife." I think once women start to shift their way of thinking of themselves first, then it will be easier for them to accept plural marriages if and when presented with it.
loving your positive attitude Masha Allah, hope it lasts xxx
ReplyDeleteSalaams, love the name btw. yeah I hope it last too. One reason I keep this blog is to help remind myself on my bad days the good posts, and about keeping things in perspective. Your thoughts can be your worst enemy in polygamy. Once you allow yourself to think about what he is doing with her, or their relationship, you can easily start second guessing yourself. So I am going to put 100% of my effort over the next few mths into focusing on me and my goals. Hopefully in 3 mths I will be over the emotional hump.
ReplyDeleteI hate to burst your bubble but don't be surprised if it takes longer than your hopeful 3 months, huh, thats all you think. InshaAllah it happens that way for you. Don't be surprised if it will be 1 - 2 years. Sis you were in love with your husband. If he were a piece of sh@!, you may have called it a day a couple of months ago. As long as there is tension between you and the sister, both of them will be in your head!!!See what happens when we go through all of these emotional roller coasters and in our efforts to find solace in this thing we quite don't understand, we begin to build walls. We convince ourselves of all these things-"test from Allah" etc. We tell ourselves these men are not our world,and some way are saying "we don't need them" but on those days when you want to have a hot cup of coffee with your hubbie, or get something fixed right now, have him support you because you found out some devastating news, or spend that nice summer day with someone, all that fluffy stuff becomes a reality. He's not THERE!!! Don't worry though, she'll feel the same way too, eventually. Mind your protective feelings because they can and will harden your heart so that you are better able to protect your emotions in the future. Sis, I am realist. I call a spade a spade. I've feel your energy whenever you blog and I've been there and done that. Perhaps those who could best help are those situations where the sisters were wholesome, got along and the marriage lasted for years. I only knew of (3) - perhaps they could be of more help.
ReplyDeleteLOL bi-polar psycho, yeah we've all went through those moments! Breath....deep, and Inshallah keep on breathing. You said right, and I'll say it again they are only humam. (The Husbands) Some of them we will never fully understand their nature, and the man is not like the women. Your such a strong and smart, and I'm sure a beautiful sister. You are the prize and don't forget your awesomeness!!! So amazing!! LOL Please remember Allah loves you, and you love you too!! Keep going!
ReplyDelete@ Annoyomous, are you the previous annoymous that was in polygamy for 2 yrs , annoyomous #2 changed her name and created an account so just trying to keep track. I know this is wishful thinking. I know of situations where it last years and years of pain, emotional roller coaster and drama. And both women cant stand the husband, but dont want to be the first to call it quits. Inshallah I can only do for me. I really feel in someways refocusing on myself is best, and not building walls. When I first got married I was all in newlywed bliss and every free moment I wanted to spend together. Now I am really more goal oriented. So we shall see how it goes.
ReplyDelete@Jaiyana... Great attitude sister!!! We must keep in mind that all our stories are different... no two persons are the same and thus we cannot predict/judge/plan our lives/future on how well/bad it went for some other person(s)... If we do not put our WHOLE trust in Allah(swt) and keep positive.. then what hope will we have?! ..might as well just throw the towel and call it quits, right? "NO"!! Keep doing what you are doing!! Keep posting if you feel it helps you!! In the end, we are all in different paths and our soap operas have all different scripts... The only thing we all share in common is the strength we get when communicating with each other!! InshaAllah it will continue, since it has helped me greatly as well!!! ..keep the 'good vives' coming! :D
ReplyDeleteUmmUmarNy,
ReplyDeleteIf I am not mistaking, you have been blogging for awhile, right, just on the mere fact that your husband wants another wife. He hasn't found one yet, correct me if I am wrong. Have you looked at the time period since you have been blogging re: potential co-wife. So once it happens, how long do you think you'll be blogging? Yes everyone's saga may end differently but the path there is pretty similar. Hey Jaiyana, keep striving for your personal goals and your personal best. I am also an educated individual, done my Masters and yes the need to focus on self is vital or your every waking moment will be on other situations which stops you from being you. Love you for the pleasure of Allah!
@Anonymous, Yes, I have been blogging for a while on and off, No, my husband has not found a wife yet, Now: What does that have to do with anything? "Look at the time since I started blogging"...hummm, ok, now what?! What are you trying to prove here? Will I still blog after 'it happens'? Most likely I will, InshaAllah. I do not blog for anyone's amusement. It is through this medium that I have met EXCEPTIONAL women who live polygyny day in and day out, and whose experiences have been POSITIVE!! ..you see I didn't say 'easy'.. but positive!!
ReplyDeleteWHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE ABOUT THINGS?!! Instead, we get bombarded with negativity. Nabi(saws) has told us (words to the effect) "If you've got nothing good to say, then it's better to keep quiet."
We are not enemies here, you know?! Yah Allah!!! (I can't believe I'm about to quote Rodney King...) "Can't we all just get along?!" lol :)
@Anonymous wow your truthfullness is refreshing, and really your words are food for thought, for all of us. We can hear the hardship, and pain just from your posts. It does seem really hard. May Allah bless you with peace and happiness, in whatever you decide to do. You have the actuall experince, while some of us, myself included have yet to be placed in polygyny. I think for all women reguardless, of age, high or low Iman, newly married or married for twenty it will probably be the most difficult and hurtfull experince they will have. I am married over ten years now I have yet to experince my husband taking on another family, however their has been a few close calls. It's weird it's in the background I mean it's like on the back burner, but it can arise who knows when or if it will ever happen?? In the meantime in between time as My Ummie would say I'm living life and happy with what I have around me. Alhamdulilah @Jaiyana check out this book I read it's called FROM MONOGAMY TO POLYGYNY: A WAY THROUGH. I found it to be helpful.
ReplyDeleteASA, if I am not mistaken, many of the bloggers experiences started out mad or anguished. Right? And than they began to see an internal growth process. Less our memories fool us. How many have told Jaiyana not to call the girl a concubine and so on. Whilst I was on the outside saying, GO Jaiyana, it's your b'day! But seriously, I never called the other woman a concubine. Welll... some other choice words I might add. Not to her face though. I'm a firecracker but I avoid popping off in public. Gotta keep my poise. Well I'm mad too! Sorry, I just don't adapt very well to convincing myself that these are the feelings I want to experience on a daily basis. And its been 2 years honey, I have experience! That's why I read your fluff!!! Trying to crack a joke - stay with me now. I admire the enthusiasm though:) Now, I am going to quiet down. I've screamed very loudly. Can you all now advise a sister who has confirmed that she is not amiable to sharing her life, help me convince my husband to leave. I have been trying to be nice. I have not shared him having a wife with anyone I know. Oh, by the way, its my house. And really believe it or not I want him to be happy. By the way Umm Asad, read that book, Good Reading - didn't help. lol. From the quote of Jesse Jackson "Keep Hope Alive":)
ReplyDelete@Anonymous LOL!! yeah good reading sister, but your right again, it did only help for so long, half the time I honestly would be upset reading it because, the situations in the book were nothing like mine. These sisters in "From Monogamy to Polygyny: A way through" had these like perfect husbands who treated them so nice and they were so happy and all in love and the brother was all trying go about it the right way, I really couldn't relate to most of them because this was nowhere near what I was dealing with. The helpful parts of the book was the advice given on selfesteem, and helping the wives to think, and delevop themselves outside of their marriages. To get back into touch with what brings them joy, and feelings of peace, and to try and focus on those things. Yeah but at the end of the day I still wasn't ready to be down, you know. I just wasn't. I felt it was a very unfair, and a very selfish situation, and it was! I'm glad nothing came of it. Alhumdulilah, I made plently of dua that it didn't. Sister Anonymous did you read the book too?? Curious, 2 years is a long time to experince something which brings you hardship. @Jaiyana of course your feelings will change often your human, it hurts, but maybe the goal is to get to a point where it dosen't hurt anymore?? I wonder if that's possible. Your really brave, I feel like dashin out the door whenever the subject comes up over here. LOL Hope I won't have to.........
ReplyDeleteAs-salaam alaikum, been followwing your blog for the last few weeks, my hubby is searching for a second to "help her" and "revive a sunnah", May Allah reward his intentions but for me its like waiting for a blade to fall (gullotine)- i feel like i'm falling apart....shredded! i was ok some years back, but now i feel so weak.......
ReplyDelete@UmmUmmarNY, yea it is good to try to stay positive about things. Even before this situation I have always been the type of person to try to see the silver lining.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous, nothing is wrong with being a realist. I try to be optimistic but thats just me. lol. But i def commend you for trying to work thru it and not just calling it quits the second he brought up the idea. Now you know for sure what you can handle and cannot. It is painful, so days as you know are good some days you really wanna just fight them both. Having 2 years of exp allows you to see the whole picture. But also everyone, and everybody is different. I feel bad it was such a difficulty for you. If your hubbie knows you are not happy, and want out he needs to give you that. Since this was a "choice" for him, and likely not a preferred choice lifestyle for you. For some reason a lot of men seem to think after the wife goes thru an adjustment period their marriage will be back to normal. I am not delusional to think this will happen. I know for certainty that once this happens, this will change the dynamic of our relationship forever.
@UmmAsaad, I will try to look into getting that book. I told Hassan to buy it for me mths ago since this is what HE wants , he needs to finance anything that will help things go smoothly. He hasnt bought it yet. Yea I still think the whole situation, is selfish. I dont think this will ever change. Even though i have a bigger picture outlook, i still feel men who put their wives through emotional pain for mths even years for their own Nafs are selfish. Inshallah you will never have to experience this.
@Ummshudah, yea all the men keep talking about "helping someone out", like these women are some damsel in distress somewhere. I hope he has the time and money, and patience. I know exactly how you feel. Make dua, and keep up your prayers. This is the main thing that has helped me maintain my calm. lol
Sisters, trust me, I never even tried. I can't get rid of him. By the way I hope you all understand now, oohh, the cats out the bag. That's why anonymous sounds so mad. She has not shared this with anyone in 2 years. She should have been blogging long ago. LOL. It took me years to get to the point of not allowing other sisters relationships to bother me when I knew their husband was taking on another wife. I've been Muslim greater than 25 years. I learned to say Al-hamdulilaah. If 1st wife is okay with it, so am I. I knew from the start it wasn't me. Do I think there are some benefits to it, Yes, especially for those who are receptive. Now please don't say well does she think she is better than the Prophet(SAW) wives? Any wife past his first wife accepted his proposal to be an additional wife. I am a first wife!! Allah knows best and may he protect me from ever being in the position where I would have to marry someone else's husband. Allah knows best, I'd probably be alone. I am like many of you awesome sisters who are still attractive, educated, clean, multi-talented, etc. but I know I don't want to love you Sisters that way :) I heard sisters say well I don't have to see him that often, well I don't have to cook that often or I found a new cowife friend - well ladies, I have always enjoyed cooking, cleaning,entertaining family & friends, reading, learning, getting continuing education for my degree, traveling, exercising(and not for weight loss) attending conferences, developing my business and never say no to SEXING!!! :) I would have to be half dead.LOL. Do I recognize this just is the nature of some men or some men who have to fulfill this innate desire and they themselves ain't that darn deep. Kick rocks dude cause I just don't like you that much anymore. I have spoken to brothers who say they are not interested in the drama or the obligation. He is who I need. Will I write in my contract he cant have another wife. No, because I know I didn't design the plans - but he'd better be pretty awesome and aware that we just might go our separate ways if I am not feeling it. At my age, I am looking for someone to spend valuable time with, not time on losing time because of a 3rd wheel. It terms of brothers "helping someone out", most of the time this is not the case. Like in my case it was a sister who did not even concern herself with how he was maintaining me but that it was someone who said, "Don't worry", InshaAllah, I'll be patient and take care of myself. Stop destroying families with these lies. This waiver of rights for most women is only temporary. As time wains she begans to say, you know I need help with that light/food bill afterall.lol. Ain't nothing going on but the rent. Sing it with me. Heeyyy! If she were looking initially for a husband without it being polygynous, the first question to her Wali would have been, Can he maintain me? Where did the "Gold Standards" go because you are marrying as an additional wife?? I don't need this type of cowife, You just gonna let him be a Slouch, while I'm the one demanding he represents me like a real man. Sisters need to stop allowing brothers to have this situation so easily, they are commanded by Allah to maintain, protect and provide. These women help them forget their purpose is not just to go from Pillar to Post - but to have a purpose! Please forgive me if I sound pissed. This too shall pass. Love you all for the Pleasure of Allah.
ReplyDelete@anonymous, I agree TOO many women give up their rights just to get married. This i think is plain stupid. For example "Denise" will still have to work and pay MOST of her bills, rent, car, electric, food, ect.This is what she agreed to, which i told her was dumb. Why get married if you will have to still take care of yourself. I dont get that. Before I married Hassan, if someone would have even approached me to be a 2nd wife, this wouldnt even have been considered. I had a wife try to get me to marry her husband, but I was like umm no.We have many similarities, i enjoy cooking, cleaning,entertaining, ect. So I am not looking forward for "days off". Ever since we have been married hassan has been away for 2 days a week on business. So I am used to him being gone part time. But I really think women (2nd wives)should be honest with themselves about what they are willing to accept. I know many cases where a woman says she will accept less time, money, gifts, housing accommodation ect and then 6 mths later want the same nice house, $, ect that first wife has. Then its like too bad and then the 2nd ends up leaving the husband in frustration. So then all that drama and pain caused to the original family was so unnecessary because any woman in her right mind will not accept less than what is required for an extended period. She will eventually get very jealous, insecure and frustrated that she is working, paying her bills, and other wife doesnt have to.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous@ 4.19 p.m, have considered opening a blog? I like the way you think/write.
ReplyDelete