Aslaaum-Alakum world. So I have been having a humbling last few days. So many people assume that because a marriage may be polygamous that you are stressed like crazy and ready to throw up a peace sign and leave your hubbie any second. This is not the case. Perhaps my blog maybe misleading lol, I try to be honest with my feelings as I feel them and as things happen. Marriage as we all know is 1/2 one's deen which that in itself tells us it will be challenging and filled with many tests. If your Chemistry teacher tells you half your final exam will be on the periodic table. I bet you would do your best to memorize that bad boy front back and sideways. So marriage is no different. It being half one's deen is letting Muslims know, dont slip and slack off in your marriage. Strong marriages promote and help build a strong community. Without that as Muslims we are truly living in a sad state. So anyways back to the whole inner peace thing, I have been doing a lot of dua, zikr, and reading and really very appreciative of the life I have right now.The Quran says :
"And among His Signs is this that He created for you spouses of your own kind, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy for one another: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)
Ok so for those that are reflecting, marriage is about being calm and tranquil, to feel all warm and fuzzy. Allowing this polygyny situation to go down isn't going to interfere with the happiness I already have. I wont let it. This situation doesn't define me. If someone asked who I were the first thing out my mouth isnt "the 1st wife." Yeah its a nice title and it feels good to pull rank at times so to speak but this situation is not bigger than why we are here and Allah's plan for me. First and foremost I am Muslim. I have my duties to Allah first, then my husband. I think too often women loose track of what is important and the reasons why they are here in the first place. If we keep in mind that this life is one big test and one day we will leave to meet our creator, only then will we begin to change our way of thinking as a result our situation. And that my friends lol is what will bring about inner peace. Not your husband, no matter how awesome he may be, not the cheesecake factory omg so good, and not being best friends with your cowife. Knowing your deen and loving what Allah has given you will provide you with more happiness than any person walking this earth. This is what we should strive for, a deeper understanding of knowledge. When I first started this blog many times I would be so mad and say to myself, "what the heck am I getting out of this deal." Really at times I didnt see how "bettering my deen" was a good trade off of what both of them would be gaining. I really felt jipped lol. Its sad to say but it is what it is. But strengthening my deen is much better than anything material my husband could ever provide. The concubine yeah she will get a husband, some money, lover ect. But if my husband left her or Allah forbid dies and he leaves us both, the only thing she can take with her to the hereafter is her deen. I'd much rather have gained that.
Masha'Allah, I am blown away! You hit the nail on the spot in your last sentence, if everything in this world was stripped away from us the only thing left wuld be our deen..and trust me on Youm Al Qiyamah none of us are going to be searching for anything other than our good deeds. We arent going to say wheres dear husband, wheres dear children, wheres dear car, house, etc etc.. only our deeds will matter so much to us that we will wish we spent more time on our religion.
ReplyDeleteThis is the truth when Allah swt says in the Qur'an: "Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds that last are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope."
[Surah Al-Kahf: 46]
Masha'Allah ukhti, you are not letting your co-wife interfear with your deen and thats how it should be!
:)
xox Smile always.
Salaams Jaiyana! I think you've uncovered the secret to 'anyone's' success!!! ..sad to say 'uncovered' since we've known this all along... yet, it's so hard to 'act' on it when the 'going gets tough'...
ReplyDeleteI need to ask though: While marriage is meant to be 'our' tranquility... (and that's a beautiful Ayah!!) What happens when/if we find out our husband is missing 'his' tranquility? ..what then? Yah Allah!!! ..I so wish for peace in my heart... for Allah(swt) to be MY ALL... I don't want to 'hurt' any more...
Salaams,UmmUmarNY from my experience many of the polygamous situations that are so painful for years and years are those which things have started off shady. The sisters that I know whose husbands have come to them and told them they wanted a 2nd wife and then together or separately they searched for someone,have seemed to deal with it better. Either way it is pain and adjustment period, but IMO the adjustment is much easier when the man is honest and together the couple finds someone best fit for their family. I think its important for women to realize that polygamy is a realistic possibility and be more open to it. yes its not for everyone, so people have to be honest with themselves. But I really feel sadden that you see a lot of Mormom women living happy together as sister wives and as muslim women we are fighting each other so much. Inshallah with more dua and looking at the big picture you will see that this situation wont define you and that whoever he chooses will never replace you. You will still be his awesome wife.
ReplyDeleteYou know it is funny to me that many comments come from first wives and all the blogs about their pain. Where are the second wives and their comments. How do they feel when they have come into someone else's life that don't want them there. How do they feel on a daily basis. How do they feel when it's their turn. I cant stand hippocrites. Many times these same women have jealousy issues when it's their turn. Years ago when my ex-husband took on a second wife, towards the demise of our relationship, it was cool for her. Then she became the first wife. Did she not think he would not do it again. And so he did! Only to find out she openly said she did not like polygyny. And please to refer to the Mormons as examples for us is sad. You are watching television episodes which do not always reveal the truth. And we know in the state of Utah alot of what indescent acts go on and they marry incest and all things which as Muslim we know is haram. Jealousy, is not a feeling as a woman I enjoy feeling. Day to Day feelings of loneliness and years of adjusting to the hurt you feel is not anything cherishable. My feeling is why can't those who want to be cowives specifically find sisters who also want to be cowives and leave the rest of sisters who do not desire that for themselves alone. I've read enough blogs where sisters are hoping to get a cowife. What's wrong with them getting together to get the long time friend they have been searching for. Personally, I have no interest in being anyone's babydoll.
ReplyDelete@"Anonymous" whoever you may be, I am not really sure how to respond to what you you have said. I dont really know many sisters who are searching for a cowife openly without previously having the conversation with their husbands on what the husbands plans are. Usually most women who are trying to be open to it have already accepted the idea that their husband would like a 2nd wife. At that point there is no point of living in denial and keeping one's head in the sand hoping that it wont happen. I myself am not looking for a long lost friend. If it were not for this situation I probably would never have the feeling to be friends with her one day. Its naive to pretend this desire doent exist in most men. I'd rather approach the situation with positivity and try to get the most out of it.Then live with anger and pain for years.
ReplyDeleteAnd in response to the Tv comment, perhaps you have not read my blog in entirety. Which is cool, there are many posts to sort thru. I have never said the Mormon women are MY example I wish to follow. The prophet's (pbuh) wives are the best example to follow.
It seems you still have a lot of anger over the past situation of the cowife experience. I pray this anger subsides. You are right it would be much easier for the women who want to be in polygamy to get together with those that want a cowife. This would save a lot of pain. However,this is not the reality. Many 2nd wives who initially accept this lifestyle openly, later find out it was much more than they could handle.I welcome post/comments from 2nd wives to see where they stand and how they are dealing with it daily. This would be interesting to see.
I am no polygamy expert, just trying to enjoy life. I have experienced many things which force me to see the big picture. My husband isnt my whole world. Allah's plan for me is much bigger than any issue I have with polygamy or anything else.
ASA, Jaiyana, Anonymous is equivalent to your screen name. I hope I am not posting twice because my second response did not go through. It's better anyway because I can reposition myself. My comments are not directed at you persay. I am curious as to where these second and additional wives are. I get perturbed when I see so many sisters express their pain over these blogs. My head is not in the sand over polygyny. It is my position that if I were in search of a husband, a married man is not an option for me because I know myself. I am a very active and spontaneous person and would not place myself in a position to await the arrival of my husband because he has to be with someone else. I do not enjoy daily feelings of jealousy and feelings of emptiness. My jealousy arises from not thinking another woman has something over me, but that someone is impinging on my time and my life. So I find myself out of that position because I do not want to hate my Sister in Islam. I have been following these blogs and the reference to SisterWives has not been made just by you. When the sister wanted to be my friend "playplay doll", I did not verbally abuse her or give her the pleasure of knowing what effect she had on me. I existed quietly without any contact for 2 years because I did not want to know if I disliked her because this would have definitely effected everyones whole existence. I exited because I am not good with bad feelings and refuse to live uncomfortably. Believe or not, there are brothers who do not want to spread themselves amongst more than one woman. I wish the best for those who exist peacefully in this arrangement and polygyny despite some of its benefits,is not for everyone.
ReplyDeleteSalaams again. You are right Polygamy isnt for everyone. Who knows if its even for me. This life is one test after the next. I agree I would love more input from 2nd and 3rd wives out there but these blogs dont seem to exist.I know there are many men who would love me to be their only wife. I turned down 9 offers of engagement before I married my husband, so I know with certainty that I can find another man if needed. But, I am the type of person
ReplyDeletethat doesn't quit without trying something. This is something permissible for him, so inshallah I will see how things go. Before I married my husband and up till now I have always been very independent, working going to school and taking care of myself. He pays the bills now but if I needed to I could easily pay my own. Its good you were honest with yourself. People have to know their own limits. Some people can live peacefully with it others cannot. There are many benefits of polygamy some are yet to be seen. Who knows what the future will hold. At this point I really do not see me and Denise being friends. The next few months will be a time for me to focus on myself and my goals. I'm sure there will be issues that come up and hurt feelings as things happen, but that is something I am really not trying to focus on.You not even talking to your ex cowife for 2 years shows you have a lot of patience, and self control over your emotions. This is something more women should practice.
Trust me, I like your positive attitude. Please no other sisters are to feel I am trying to effect you negatively. I am expressing my opinion. The reality of the matter is, if I chose to live in such an arrangement, I would have been cordial to the sister because you share something. The women are actually sleeping and sharing life with the same man! Someone is going to die, someone may go to the hospital, extended families and mutual friends may have to interact with one another on some level. I'm not sure how patient I was, I was mad and I chose not to force myself to be with my husband under those conditions because I believe married people should live with kindness, love and patience and not bad feelings. I didn't have it. I do feel these women who choose to marry someone else's husband should not have the audacity to have an attitude or be rude or act like you are not important. She married your husband and should be the most humble. 1st wives did not come into their lives, they came into ours. Love you for the pleasure of Allah. I think I read these blogs to help myself understand others who choose this way, although I do not like it for myself and I do not like to see Sisters in pain. I do believe if the man is worth it, then don't let anyone get in the way of your JOY!!!
ReplyDeletewomen react to a husband taking a second wife as if the wife will take her share in Jannah or steal her good deeds leaving her with nothing! Relax, its only a man not paradise. None of you women will lose a thing from your husband taking a second wife, a third of fourth, infact he is only making his test even harder because he has to do Justice in every single little thing and be fully equal. If i was a man I would not take a second wife out of fear of not being fair so girls don't worry! Your afterlife is still in your hands and thats the only thing that really really matters.
ReplyDeleteYes, the hereafter is the only thing that matters, however we do have to be realistic about this current life and how we treat people. Anonymous are you in polygamy? are you a different poster than the previous "anonymous" ? Just curious. Relaxing is far easier said than done. Women are emotional by nature, although I may not lose any good deeds. Time will be lost, affection, money,travel, so yes first wives may gain more knowledge and strengthen their iman they still are loosing quite a lot with sharing their husband.
ReplyDelete@Anonymus(the last one who posted), I think we all know that... it's just a case of "Brain-Heart" malfunction... For my part, I can 'rationalize it', I understand perfectly why my husband (or any man for that matter) would want another wife, I understand the Islamic rulings, I believe it CAN work.. if the right people are involved and if EVERYONE knows their RIGHTS and LIMITS... The problem is in the heart.. and that part can only be worked with 'gently' and 'in time'... Even the Ummahatul Mu'mineen(ra) felt jealousy for each other... stories between Aishah(ra) and Hafsa(ra) are legendary!!! Even Aishah(ra) felt jealous of Khadija(ra)...even though she(ra) had already passed away!! SubhanaAllah!! Nabi(saws) used to make Du'aa to Allah(swt) (words to the effect) to "judge me for that which is under my control (i.e. equality amongst the wives) and do not judge me for that which is not in my control (i.e. my heart... and we all know he loved Aisha(ra) the most). The important thing is to keep trying... knowing in our hearts all which you said, and move forward. Thanks for the reminder! :D
ReplyDeleteI feel jealous of you women in Polygany because from your reactions and your jealousy it shows me that you have someone you really love and feel jealous over. Jealousy is not a nice feeling to have someone that makes you jealous means you have someone you love. Thats some'thing that makes me jealous!! This is the last anonymous.
ReplyDeleteASA Sisters,
ReplyDeleteThis is who I am. I have never chased men who other women wanted. I would not do well as a fan or paparazzi. lol. I always backed out of the picture. Am I currently in polygyny. Yes. Sex has not been the same. The treats don't come from me. Hope she's doing as well of a job as I do.lol I am not comfortable in this climate having sex with someone who is having sex with someone else. I am super paranoid of STD's. Oh yes, we do pass yeast infections too! I work in a setting where I learn of alot behaviors perpertrated by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. As a matter of fact, I feel like a prisoner because he will not move on with his life. I said, I am done and he said one day he'll accept it and leave. As far as the sister, I know who she is, she knows who I am on sight- we never formally met. Its been a lengthy period of time. I have no interest in meeting her. I feel the community continously fails the Ummah. Wali's, Wakils etc. and Sisters whose eyes are on the prize fail by not asking any questions on how the Brother is as a provider, protector and maintainer. "Oh that's a good brother", I see him in the Masjid." One is not truly known until you do business with them, live with them or travel with them. So she is now discovering that perhaps she should have asked questions or not married under such quick circumstances. But in the meantime, you invaded my privacy and my time. If Imans, Wali's etc. want to know the truth, just ask the wife!!! All that glitter ain't Gold. Nobody of my family or friends know from my mouth. I just sit back in my mind and say " I could have told you that". My concern is not to meet her because my goal is to not be with him. So there is no need for me to know her or her to know me. The point being as referred by the Anonymous above, who so lightly says Relax it's only a man, not paradise - Well that is my point. A man has to be an exceptional being to be worth the agony.
@"Last Anonymous"... Jealousy is just one of those 'traits' which make a woman what she is.. 'A Woman'! ..it is our nature to 'protect', to 'love' exclusively, to 'nurture' and be 'selfish' for our families. Allah(swt) made us this way and there is Wisdom in it, for what would a family be without this person we call a 'woman'?! Men's nature is different, physiologically, biologically, physically, mentally, emotionally, and every single "..ly" you can come up with.
ReplyDeleteLife, for certain, is not easy... let alone the life of a Believer... for didn't Allah(swt) not tell us in the Qur'an we will be tested? Jealousy is only 1 of such tests... and Polygyn certainly is NOT for everyone!
Jealousy is only the 'grinding' which will make our hearts stronger, cleaner, purer, brighter... or are diamonds not 'black' when they are first taken out of the earth?.. and they shine through after intense heat and grinding cutting... Yet, as painful as it is, I rather have this trial than have to deal with so many other possible tests in health, children, poverty, death, etc...
May Allah(swt) grant you LOVE ... Real Love!! and may He(swt) bless you with feeling it without having to shed a single tear out of jealousy!! Aameen! :D
Subhanallah I just read through all these comments, and the emotions, and feelings envolved are really intense. I think it's sad to hear so many stories reguarding polygomy, that are unfair or bad situations. To the one anonymous who posted that the wives should relax, and that the husband is only a man not paradise, true your statment, however that is much easier said that done. Women all of us have a desire to be with our husbands, and a right to be loved, treated kindly,with respect, and to live with them in tranquilitly. Obviously a man taking on another family will affect this greatly. Adam Ahlaihim Salam when he was created, lived in the Jannah, but he was still wanting of something.....his mate Hawa. After her creation was he then able to relish in and enjoy all the beauties of the Paradise, if you think about it we just all want to be happy, and with a companion Allah has blessed us with. If a sister can't find happiness with this situation who can fault her for graciously excusing for it.
ReplyDeleteUmm Assad, I agree polygamy is crazy hard because there is an emotional roller coaster you have to deal with. So some days your cool, other days you just wanna fight your cowife and husband lol. I have seen many many polygamy relationships that have started out shady, (husband having dunya relationship with some random chick then marrying her after wife finds out, or worse after dunya chick is preggers.) So i really keep trying to keep things in perspective and remind myself it could be alot worse. Who knows how i will handle it when it does happen. Hopefully inshallah i will be able to maintain my calm. Thanks for the support. Relaxing is def easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteSalams My support is always here Inshallah. May Allah bless you with all the good of this world and the next!! Ma Salam
ReplyDelete