What's going on world? Right now I am so confused. Lately I have been really wanting to call the concubine just to talk and clear up some things as well as try to move forward. A part of me wants to be friends, part of me wants to be happy for her. But another bigger part is still so hurt. The last time she emailed me she said some really nasty hurtful things. Things that were just plain spiteful. I understand I emailed her first and told her some things she probably didn't want to hear, but things she said were flat out lies, and completely inappropriate. I just don't understand why if you know someone is going through a difficult time why would you instigate things, and try to rub things in their face? This is the character she has shown me. And for some strange reason I am hurt by her not reaching out. Crazy right? But i feel if I were in her shoes I would want to reach out and try to get to know me and make this transition easier. But she has not. She has told my husband she wants nothing to do with me. So in a way I guess i feel rejected/betrayed by them both. Not sure why I am feeling so emotional today. Maybe because Hassan is away on a business trip and I've had time to think. One of the reasons why I feel betrayed by Denise (the concubine) is long before I even knew about this situation she called me. Then I heard she was going through a rough situation (she lost her job and apt.) so I called her again, reaching out to see if she was ok. We spoke for quite a long time and I really felt we could have been friends. I even offered her to stay at my home while my husband was away of course until she moved into her new place. A few months later I found out she approached my husband about him marrying her. Although me and her were never best friends, I do feel there was initially a level of respect and trust there which has been completely broken.I tried befriending her in her time of need and then she tries to marry my husband. Hence my reasons for cursing her out the first time. I don't know what to really think anymore...this whole situation is so perplexing. I wish I could be happy for them. But right now there is just so much hurt in my heart. Right now I don't know what to think. Right now I see them as two selfish people. Days like this its hard for me to look at Hassan the same. Its good he's away on business today. I don't really see what I am getting out of this at ALL. I know this post seems down or whatever, but it is what it is. I don't want to sugarcoat things. People out there should know how it feels. Should know about the ups and downs of it all. Inshallah tomorrow will be a better day. Its hard to see the top of the mountain when your standing in the valley. But when you make it to the top the view is breathtaking. Inshallah when I make it through this I can look back and see how much I've grown ... keep hope alive.
Ohh Habibti....Big hugs to you. I sooooo know what you are going thru. We all have our days when we "accept" and days when we want to run. I never knew that she approached your husband?! Wow...That would be a hard pill to swallow. Do you ever think our husbands feel bad for putting this pain in our heart? I mean, they say they do, but do they REALLY KNOW what we are struggling with all because they "have a right"?? Some days it is so sad, I know. I wish I had something good to say to you other than, hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAs for contacting her.....hmmm. I think it may do your heart some good. I had a long chat with the other girl in my husbands life and it was very nice. It may help. My suggestion would be to wait until your thoughts are a little clearer than right now. You are too sad at the moment. You will probably come off like a babling crazy woman...
Approached your husband??....WOWOWOW....That takes guts....
Whats meant to be is meant to be I guess....
You are in my prayers....
Salams sis,
ReplyDeleteI dont know if this will sound good, but aren't you glad that she approached him and not the other way around? Anyway, take that as a compliment as she was probably jealous of you. But don't let your life be revolved around her, instead take charge of your life and make your life revolve around you and your husband.
When I read polygamy blogs, it seems the marriage becomes about the co-wife and not the couple in the marriage, which is understandable but remember you are still his wife no matter what, and nothing can change that Insha'Allah.
Not only are you his wife but you are his FIRST wife. Aisha (r.a) was the first wife of Prophet Muhammad (sws) after Khadija (r.a) had passed away. Her and Prophet Muhammad (sws) loved each other so much and he loved her the most out of all his wives.
What you can do instead of think about her, is think about yourself, take some time out for yourself and try to work on ideas that would make you the best First wife,(Buy some new perfume, get a new hair colour, cook some new amazing dish) keep working on what would make you closer to his heart and Insha'Allah you will be the closest to his heart.
Remember that marriage is a blessing, not only because you have a partner, but because you are protected from temptations that urround sthose who are not in wedlock. Allah swt has protected you from that, so take it as a big blessing because Wallahi sister in the end, everything we do is for Allah's sake, not for our husbands, fathers or brother's sake but soley for Allah.
May Allah bless you in your marriage and have faith that your marriage with your husband will work Insha'Allah.
Wonderful point sister. It's nice to see someone take a different view point on it.
ReplyDeleteAs Salaamu Alaikum Sis,
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is that you don't call her right now. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to think about what kind of relationship (if any) you want with her according to your comfort level. The reality of situation is that she isn't even your co-wife yet and as much as they (she and your husband) intend to marry, Allah knows best if that will happen and He is the best of planners. It may be that you are worrying about something that wont even happen :-). If and when they do marry, let the emotions of the situations level off before you attempt to connect with her. Also, make your intentions in connecting with her to please Allah and Allah alone... that way if your effort is met with resistance or rejection from her, it will be easier to not internalize her reaction because you made your effort for Allah only. Just my humble opinion...
Also, I wanted to correct what the sister (slave2Allah) said. According to what I have read in the Sirah of the Prophet, Sawda bint Zama was the first woman prophet Muhammad, salallahu alayhi wa salaam, married after Khadijah's death then Aisha shortly thereafter. Not that it matters as all wives are supposed to be treated equally and none are to feel superior or inferior to another simply because of what number wife they fall. It could be that Allah makes a husband love or favor anyone of his wives over another regardless of where they fall simply because one is more obedient and supportive than another or one is more pious than the other. For us, as wives, to think any differently is foolish, prideful and arrogant and a lot of marriages fail because of that pride and arrogance. Just want to keep things realistic for you as it is Allah who controls the hearts... not us.
I pray Allah make things easy on your and calm your heart, ameen.
Thank you for all the kind words. Yea there are some tough days that come along with this. This was from Sat, he came home sunday, somehow the timezone on here is posted weird. It always post things a day later. Anyhoo..Hassan came home and yesterday was a really good day. Its so hard for me to stay mad at that guy. Omg love that man so much. When he came back he had a present for me.Yay nice dress i can wear for Jummah.So then yesterday evening we went out to this nice halal spot we have been wanting to go to for awhile.The food was so good! When we first got married we have always tried to do a date night like once a week, but lately he's been working a lot so we havent been able to in about 3 weeks. So it was nice to just go out again and relax, not have to cook and get waited on.
ReplyDeleteBut its funny you mention the change hair, focus on yourself (Slave2Allah) because I actually died my hair 2 weeks ago. He really liked it. But before this situation presented itself I planned on doing something different. Didnt want to cut it so used henna. I do feel really fortunate to have him.I was at this sisters home recently and her husband was so disrespectful to her. Calling her names,yelling, very rude.He didnt even care that I was there. So glad Hassan is laid back and doesnt wild out like that. :-)
Lateefah, Yes I have thought it over and decided I am not going to call her. Whatever happens whether they marry or not, if they do I plan on keeping my distance for awhile. I really feel she should be the one to reach out to me anyway. But If I do contact her, I want to wait at least 3 months to allow me to digest the situation. Hopefully by then I wont wanna curse her out lol.
ReplyDeleteAsalaamu Alaikum Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu Jaiyana, I pray your in the best of health and highest Eeman.. I would like to say that we are Muslims 1st foremost, and we adear to The Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad Sallahi Alayhi Wa Sallaam. Is the word concubine a fitting term to call the second wife Allahu Musta'an. I know that you must be going through a roller coaster of emotions right now Suhbana Allah, Allah Azza Wal Jal has made this Deen so beautiful and has made a way out of any difficulty and and ease for any situation that is the beauty of This Deen.
ReplyDeleteThe emotions that any woman goes through is a trial within itself, take one day at a time focus on your one2one relationship with your Rabb, ask Allah to grant you some ease with this situation Insha Allah Ta'Alaa. Make alot of Dua'a for yourself and also your Zowj during these very difficult times for the real test is yet to come, and it will begin when he marries the sister and you will go through alot of emotions and feelings this will be the time that you need to draw closer to your Lord...
I pray Allah Azza Wal Jal grants you comfort and ease Allahumma Thumma Ameen
Fee Amaan Allah
Zaynab
Salaams Annonymous Zaynab, Thanks for your post I appreciate the feedback. I did a post awhile ago on why I call her the concubine. "the concubine" is a far better name than what I could be using. Also according to my definition posted below there is nothing wrong with saying this as it fits the situation. I hope you take a moment to read my previous posts. :-)
ReplyDeletehttp://the1stwivesclub.blogspot.com/2010/10/other-woman-aka-concubine.html