Mourning every morning

 

Hey everyone hope all is well out there. This is a poem I wanted to share, I wrote it some time ago and was reading it again and realized how far I have come from this point.  Like Erykah Badu says "I'm an artist so im sensitive about my sh*t." LOL so be nice with the comments. 

Mourning Every Morning

Every morning I am mourning the death of our marriage

The life as I knew it...suddenly taken from me

Everything I once had.. gone that I cherished

And for what? So you could live some fantasy?

They say time heals all wounds…

So I’ve put out an APB on Time..so I can find me time soon

I’m bruised and bandaged heart’s tattered and torn

Every ounce of energy is trying to keep these tornado insides from showing

Guess I figured the pain is easier to manage if no one is knowing

Like somehow the thought of being exposed is worse than the reality

What would others think that somehow I failed you in this capacity?

That my love wasn’t enough; you needed more than I could give

What a weight on my shoulders …and this is the life you choose to live?

I dread the night…avoid it like the plague

Stay up till fajr just so I won’t have to sleep alone in our cold empty bed

The sound of your heartbeat used to be the only thing that lulled me to sleep

Now without it I am restless

Dreams so lost they become meek

Do you realize how difficult this test is?

Silence screams so loud it speaks volumes, a constant reminder you’re gone

Everywhere I turn the absence of your laughter greets me

Unable to share a joke or an embrace or a kiss spontaneously

My world is rattled…spirit shaken trying to cling to some normalcy

Everyday feelin a cacophony of emotions that stir in my dreams and wake me

up like Folgers in the morning

And through all this you tell me you love me

As if a four letter word can fix a heart broken this badly

Countdown to Lockdown

Hey world, just a friendly reminder that this blog will be going private tomorrow night. If you wish to continue to follow please post/comment with your email address here(I wont post the comments) or email me at his.1st.wife@gmail.com and i will add you to the list.Google blogger is setup this way. I have loved blogging thus far and plan to continue as it is really a great outlet for me in this crazy world. Later for now hope everyone enjoys their day!

Where are you from?

 

Aslaamu-alaikum world! LOL omg funny story. So I just came from Marshalls (clothing store here in the states) trying to get some new cute clothes for back to work. I love Marashalls they always seem to have really cute stuff, but you have to really dig for it. So anyways, I get some things a few pair of work pants and sweaters and go to the cashier to  be rung up. So she is ringing me up and the first thing she says is "Where are you from." Not "hi how are you , thanks for shopping here ..blah.blah ..but "where are you from." I say from here. So she says , "No where are you originally from." So I then say, "oh originally from Michigan." She then says slowly and loudly like somehow because I wear hijab and speak fluent English I am unable to understand what she is trying to ask me. "N-o ..where...are...you..originally...from..your nationality.."  So I think to myself before I respond, this girl is not the brightest tool in the shed, obviously Michigan is part of the 50 states of the freakin United States of America, duh making me American. So then I say, "I am African American, my parents are from here, I am American Muslim." So she looks dazed and confused and says "Oh ok so your from Trinidad" .What the eff? Seriously some people are just dumb beyond measure. How do you get Trinidad from what I said. She then goes on to tell me how her mom's friend is "mooz-lum" and doesn't wear hijab, said she shaved her head so she feels she doesn't have to. My only reply was "hmm thats interesting" Reading is fundamental ..man thats all i have to say lol.
(*Not really from Michigan, used Mi as example to maintain my anonymity*)

What's with people assuming that because you wear hijab you are foreign? Nothing against my international and foreign sisters out there, but hello every Muslim in America isn't fresh off the boat. Some of us actually are born Muslim and have parents who have been Muslim 30+ years. It just gets kinda irritating and annoying after awhile the same questions. But the crazy thing is many sisters( muslimas) ask me the same questions when i go out to new masjids. Like because they are from Lebanon I need to be from some exotic place too. Nope sorry , wish I had some native tongue other than good old fancy English or some back home exotic land to claim but I dont lol. I guess if you count the blizzards in the midwest that kinda makes it special and exotic lol. Or not.Its like people try to force you to be from somewhere else. Next time someone asks me I am going to say some off the wall country that I clearly look like I am not from and say it proudly with a smile. Hmm think I will go with Japan lol. I have always wanted to visit there or Australia. lmao. Anyways later for now gotta handle this dinner before it gets too late.

How does it feel to be #1

Asalaamu-alaikum world. So over these last few months I have really been able to share, talk , and network with many other women across the world who are in polygamy or dealing with the soon possibility. I woke up today feeling very happy about life and my marriage. And really realized how much my thoughts and feelings have changed from the beginning. The pre-polygamy phase is very, very, stressful. Seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.Was seriously about to lose it many times lol. What makes this stage so stressful for most awesome muslimas is that there is so much that is unknown. Naturally you have so many questions about how things could change in your own marriage with time, money, affection, secrets ect it can literally drive you bananas. But what first wives have to keep in mind is there are many benefits of being the "first wife." And I am not saying first wives are better than seconds or anything, I just wanted to give a post for the first wives out there who are struggling in the pre or post-poly phase some reinforcements lol.

• As a first wife you have already built a foundation with your husband. Nobody can take that away.
• During this foundation time, you have learned what he likes & dont like, food, house maintenance ,movies, sports, sex, ect. whomever else is added to the team will have to find all this out every other day or every 2-3 days much longer process and can become frustrating to the man, since wifey #1 has things already figured out.
• You have already established your standard of living. So the husband must at least keep you at this standard. 
• You have already established a circle of trust with each other. He still has to build trust with #2. 
• You are awesome and special, this isn't a competition with anyone but yourself , and the goal is Jannah 
• Whatever was previously setup in the contract he will have to still adhere to. 

During the pre phase there are lots of crazy emotions you go thru and even after. We are tested with things that reasons we dont even know. People kept telling me , just do more zikr, or read Quran more or more duas. And when you are in the throws of it all you are all like "bump that, i dont see how it will help." ..Well my friends i can honestly say it has helped me so much doing all the ibadaah i did and continue to do. And try your hardest to focus on your happiness and your marriage. Not your husbands potential or co-wife. Your co-wife could look like Haley Berry in a hijab and be a hafiz but you still have to value yourself and know whatever she may bring to the table cannot replace what you have already established, and what you offer. Confidence is key, and is such a beautiful thing when you truly feel secure within yourself and your relationship. Before I left Hassan for that month I had so many mixed feelings, should i leave him for good ? Should I work it out? Should i key his car? lol. But I choose to come back and make an effort to see if it could work. Allahu-alem, who knows if it will work in the end. Its working right now, we are happy now and doing better daily. Like I said before in many other posts, I am not the type of person to give things up without trying first. So we shall see how things go. But my heart truly goes out to all my readers and fellow bloggers who are still  dealing with the pain of it all. It is very hard, and the best thing you can do is have a good support system and increase your ibadaah. Retail therapy helps too. That reminds me off to the mall check out some after christmas sales. Later guys and dolls.

Awesomeness at every turn

 

Asalaamu-alaimum world whats really good? Omg yesterday was such a good day, al-humdillah things are coming together quite nicely.  So yesterday started out with me getting a call from one of the companies I interviewed with when I came back. They basically said they loved me and that I was the best person who ever interviewed for the job and want me to start asap.(in so many words you gotta read between the lines) LOL.  YAY happy dance. I already had another job lined up but this one pays more and is also in my field , and is the job I REALLY wanted. So I am very excited about that. I called Hassan to tell him the good news and he was very excited. So excited he put some more money in my account so I can buy new work clothes. Yay, love going shopping on his dime! 

So like I said in the previous post I was going to make fish or chicken for dinner. I ended up making baked catfish, with wild rice, and steamed broccoli. So yummy. Hassan comes home from work and surprises me with Pink tulips (so pretty) and crab legs to celebrate my new gig. We both love crab legs. The flowers are beautiful and he was being really sweet, but I dont know what he is really celebrating, because no matter how much money I make I am not paying any bills around here. Perhaps if he didnt have Denise I might think to contribute. lol But, I refuse to start paying bills when that was never part of this deal, just to help him manage both households equally. Thats not my problem. Hassan never has asked me for money for the bills, so I hope he isnt getting overly excited thinking I am going to start volunteering my funds..nope lol. Sorry I know some people might think thats selfish or whatever but I dont care lol. I think Hassan is just happy that I am going to be working outside again and get more social interaction. I do miss a 9 to 5.

And then the icing on the cake after a awesome day was finally Grey's Anatomy came back with a new episode after the crazy long Christmas break of re-runs. And Christina has returned to Seattle grace. For those that follow the show you know thats a big deal. For those that dont, shame on you lol that show is the best show ever! But anyways yesterday was a really good day and just wanted to share. Today has been pretty awesome to so far. Just got back from the Gym. About to do some crunches and then eat some leftovers. Later guys and dolls. Hopefully everyone out there had a good Jummah friday!!!

Beef its whats for dinner..

 

Aslaamu-alaikum world. Whats really good. So I decided to post the recipe for the steak I made last night. OMG so good . Hassan ate his plate so fast like he was one of those kids off of "feed the children network" lol and then went back for seconds. He says, "babe that was on point ,you still the best cook i know." And the best wife of the year award goes to....drum roll please.......ME lol  So this isn't the actual picture but this is as close to as what we had since I was hungry from having an anorexic day and didn't think to take a picture before. And Hassans plate was gone is 60 seconds lol. My mom made some really good, best steak I ever had ever when I was visiting last month so I wanted to try to make it for Hassan. This was actually the first time I made steak like this. One reason is the halal meat stores here act like they dont know what I am talking about when I ask for steak. It could be a language barrier i dont know, but I know they have a whole cow back there somewhere so they need to start selling it more. I made steak, garlic-cheddar mashed potatoes, green beans, and rolls. 

Steak Recipe :

• First start with some good size steaks (we had 3) T-bone or round will do
• Season with garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, parsley. Let marinate if you want for at least 30 mins.
• Then coat meat in flour and sear in skillet with a little canola oil. Cooking on both sides for about 5 mins depending on thicknesss of steaks.
• Remove steak and place in oven for 1 hour and 20 mins (depending on thickness) bake at 350
• meanwhile when steak is baking saute onion, mushrooms, and garlic and then add to the steak after it has baked for about 40mins.
• Steak will be awesome and tender. No medium rare or rare steaks around these parks

The Garlic Cheddar mashed potatoes (better then Red Lobster im my opionon)

• Start with a pot of chicken broth to boil potatoes in
• Add about 5-6 large potatoes or more depending on how greedy your family is.
• Let boil until good and soft about 20 mins. Then drain juices and set potatoes aside
• in large pot melt 1/2 stick of unsalted butter, then add 4-5 garlic cloves chopped and pressed
• Add 1/3 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of sour cream and 1 cup of sharp cheddar cheese mix well
• add potatoes back in pot and mash until all of the garlic cheese sauce is mixed evenly. Then add more cheese and salt & pepper to taste.
• Viola! im not going to give the green bean recipe because if you dont know how to make green beans then thats sad. Lol.

Enjoy guys and dolls and have a good day! I know I will. Hassan took leftovers for lunch so now I have to cook again tonight. snap. That guy sure does have an appetite. Think I will do chicken or fish tonight, switch up from the red meat.

Private..Say What?

 

Hey world whats good. So after pondering long and hard, I decided that I will make this blog private open to readers only. I will make it private Wed January 11th 2011. So you have two options follow me, or get left behind in the dust lol. How blogger is setup I have to invite the readers by email address to the blog so that they will be able to follow. So if you would like me to invite you , email me at his.1st.wife@gmail.com. I just feel at this time privacy is needed. Even though its anonymous blog, I do get some crazy comments here that I dont even publish because they are nothing but foolishness and haters. So to avoid any unnecessary drama for now, this is what I plan to do.  For annon/w att sister, I really hope you can join me when I go private and create a new email just to follow me. I love your comments and wisdom LOL. Everyone else I look forward to seeing you there.

I need to punch someone

 (WARNING THIS POST MAY OR MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR GOOD GIRLS )

Aslaamu-alaikum world. Hmm this sucks . Like ok, the whole sharing is caring ..that crap is for the birds. Yes I know I have said this before and I will likely say it again. Ok everything was going swell today(Denise's day), just peachy..still high off life feeling awesome.  Until Hassan decided to come by to get somethings from the house. So he comes in and I'm looking like my normal fly self. So he is looking sexy as usual his swagger is on point. So I'm thinking to myself. Now is a good time for a quickie. Yes, i know he had to go over to Denise's, and he was already running late,but oh well I have needs. So he says NO he needs to go and would have to take a shower and then he would be like all extra late, and doesn't feel like hearing her mouth. So what! who cares dag nabit! I have needs. Sorry to be graphic on this post, I'll censor more in the in up coming posts I promise lol. But i am just so frustrated right now. So I tell Hassan I am getting a second husband and he can kick rocks. Needless to say he was less than pleased lol and says "babe why are you trippen, i'll be back tomorrow." What? Trippen you haven't seen trippen just you wait lol.

Uggh ok , so I am not all for any type of violence nor am I an advocate of domestic abuse in anyway....But LOL I so wanna punch Hassan and Denise right now. Uggh seriously, nights like this your realize how sharing sucks. Perhaps if i was older or had a bunch of bebe kids running around, I might not have the energy I do or the drive. But things are different and Hassan knew how I was long ago. Men can be so stupid sometimes. If woke up a man I would just slit my wrist lol end it all. (I am so joking) Ok maybe some of the seasoned older sisters out there can help a girl out. What do you do on nights like this???? This is the first night since I have been back that I have really felt mad about this whole trifecta love triangle of polygamy. I know ,granted I would be pissed if it was my "night" and I found out he went over her house to get something and got busy while he was there and tried to come home all innocently. BUT, I really feel like since this whole scenario wasn't a choice that I would have willingly made, so he should be more accommodating to me. Also I am still shocked and confused Hassan has turned me down. "No" is not a word I am used to hearing from him so its still quite foreign to my ears lol. I really was shocked and appalled that he would even say no to me. Like who does he think he is? So he is all like "babe you know I really want to be here with you, but I cant." blah blah blah. Whatever dude. Even though I like my "me time" and not having to be forced to watch Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday and Thursday  night football lol.. I do miss the spontaneity of our relationship. If I have needs I want them serviced. So I told Hassan he better not go over there and try to get some action. He says "ok babe i wont, i'm tired and gonna go to bed." Whatever dude! I really would only recommend polygamy to older couples, young hotties like myself hmm wowzers...lets just say there are so many struggles and changes that you would have never EVER expected. Maybe is a good time to channel some positive vibes and try to maintain some inner peace before I snap lol. Uggh ok venting is officially over returning to my happy place.

New Year New Look

Aslaamu alaikum world! Hope all is well out there. So as you can see I have decided to change the layout. New year new look. I figured that because I am also planning on doing so many changes with my life this year, I might as well give the blog a makeover since I am doing a internal makeover as well. Last year was a drama fest which really took a toll on me spiritually and physically. Drama causes way to much stress and stress can wreak havoc on the fabulosity in your life. So the one month away trip to see my family was so needed and a blessing in disguise in so many ways. Part of my soul makeover for this year is to study more Quran, not that I was a complete slacker last year but you can always read more. Also I am going to try my hardest this year not to backbite others and remain positive. I think lol this will likely be the hardest struggle. I am not a mean person I promise but some people just have a way of getting under you skin. Maybe I'll take up a boxing class or something to channel some of that negative energy and anger lol. Dikr/ Zikr everyday also is so important in the maintaining a calm mood. At least for me, so many times when certain people were on my last nerve, doing zikr really was one of the only things that allowed me to not spaz out and get in touch with my inner Ghetto-girl. LOL Since I am planning on doing a spiritual makeover, I also plan on limiting TV watching as well. Of course I really cant cut out all TV gotta love criminal minds and Grey's Anatomy but no more Real Housewives, or Kardashians ...at least for now lol. I decided to also do a sugar cleanse. I love sugar and am self proclaimed chocolate lover and sweet tooth junkie. So this will likely be hard, but too much sugar in your body can really jack you up and leave you looking like a fatty girl, and nobody wants that. Also plan to start back volunteering. Volunteering is so rewarding and often reminds us of our own situation and how we are blessed with what we have. I really would love to learn a new language this year.  The Rossetta stone is awesome software,..but its crazy expensive I dont know what they are thinking but nobody around these parks is paying $400 just to say can you pass the bread in french! But anyways another thing related to this soul makeover is Iqram. I have realized that certain people in this love triangle aka Denise have little to no Iqraam when it comes to others. Snap is that backbiting by saying this? So many rules, lol so little time. But this post just reminded me of this whole schedule thing and how it is still needs to be changed. And the funny thing about people and Iqram level is the whole premise of polygamy is "want for your sister what you want for yourself." and all that love and happiness golden ticket business. So naturally you would think it would make since for 2nd people who come on the team to actually have a high level of Iqram for their muslim sister.? Right ...umm no, maybe in a perfect world but not in this confusion circle.  Hmmm anyways just saying. ok Later guys and dolls . Enjoy your day!

Come out come out wherever you are...

Asalaamu-alaikum world. I hope everyone is well out there. This post was somewhat inspired by UmmUmmarNy's post about protection. Well more like 95% inspired by her post lol.  Now according to my statistics i have 10,828 page views of all time. Which is a lot of awesome and maybe not so awesome people checking out my inner most thoughts. Readers from the U.S, Singapore, UK, Canada, Saudi Arabia, Australia , Germany, Pakistan, Malaysia , Indonesia, Egypt, Denmark, and even Poland. So literally people all over the globe are trying to see what's good in my world , which is pretty amazing and pretty freaky lol. Currently there are 35 awesome followers, so where are the other people lurking from who are viewing but not commenting? Just curious, make yourself known!This is an open house , this blog is open to anonymous posters for now, so what makes you curious about me? Just curious about who the other lurkers out there are, and why do you lurk? Does the issues I deal with not relate to your world/ environment so you may feel you dont have any input? or you are just curious how everything is going to pan out? I am saying this because after reading UmmUmarNy's post I really am thinking of making my blog private and open to readers only. I originally started this blog as an outlet and it has been an amazing source of comfort and peace over these last few months. But , now that all my business is out there for the world to see, I'm really considering concealing some of it. Who knows that's how I feel right now. Hassan and I are in a very good place, and I rather keep posting about my life being positive and maintaining tranquility with those readers who can relate and enjoy the blog than just lurkers who perhaps just like being nosy. (for lack of a better word) Let your girl know whats good.I'm off to run errands will holla back later.

I love me some him

Aslaamu-alaikum world, wow this year is off to a fantastic start. Let me just say that right now, omg I love Hassan so much. This dude seriously has me feined out LOL. I can really understand why other sisters (Densie) were trying to be on the team. My sister told me the other day that I need to quit being so "open." LOL . But contrary to popular belief there is nothing wrong with sweating a guy as long as he is sweating you back. Since I have been back Hassan has been my #1 fan. Giving me money any time I ask him, going shopping, dinner, movies,gifts, massages, complimenting me like crazy. Like over the course of the month I was gone, somehow , somewhere along the lines he morphed into this better version of himself. And this better version better stay for good. I dont wanna have to deal with no back sliding lol. So earlier today after salat we had taleem. Afterward he started starring at me and smiled. So i'm like "whats up babe, whats the smile for". He says . "I forgot how beautiful you are." Awe, isnt he a sweetie! Maybe he just wanted to get some, or maybe he is turning over a new leaf. Who knows, but I am really feeling his swagger these days. So in other unrelated awesome random news he tells me, "he loves how i know everything he likes." Hassan loves this apple Lazie drinks from the meat store. They are really good , kinda a halal apple martini type drink lol . So I keep them on hand. Guess Denise will have to learn his likes her own way. Oh well.
So in other news, lol my mother in law and I have made up. I was not really feeling her for awhile because she was all for Hassan getting a 2nd wife, and I really felt she should've been more on my side with the whole scenario. So anyways we kinda fell off. So I saw her this week me Hassan and her all went to dinner at this awesome Mediterranean place with really good kafta kabobs. So I bring her a gift when I saw her. So she calls me yesterday, which is the first real conversation since Hassan married Denise. We talked like for about an hour and we seem to be in a better place. So by the end of the call she is basically saying I am her favorite daughter in law. You have to read between the lines, but thats what she said in so many words lol. So come to find out, every time Hassan and Denise have problems, Denise calls his moms and complains to her. His mom isnt really feeling this at all. Ooopsy daisy, seems like Denise cant catch a break. Oh well. People have to learn , a man is not going to like a woman who keeps annoying his mother, esp if him and his mom are close.

Also on a sidenote, Question : Every time Hassan aka mr.sexy face comes home from Denise's house he has on new clothes. Like new everything, shirt,pants,shoes, socks, underwear. So these things she has bought for him, I sure didnt buy him nothing, I really feel a man should be the one goin shopping for the wife, instead of the other way around.When me and Hassan first got married we went on a nice shopping spree and he hooked up my wardrobe. Yes, I have bought him gifts along the way, but I just feel like a man should be spoiling his wife. Not the other way around.To me it seems a little desperate, am i wrong? At first I was feelin irritated like why are you trying to wear all this new gear at my house and show off lol. But now, I kinda think its funny that she bought him all this stuff, and he's wearing it trying look fly for me lol. hmm?? As my umi says "dont sweat the small stuff." lol ok later guys and dolls have a good day!

Its a New YEAR..Yea Boy!

Aslaamu alaikum World! Ok hope everyone had a safe and happy new year. I know some people are all like "Muslims aren't supposed to celebrate New Years." Well this is what I say to that, not only do I celebrate new years but it's my favorite holiday of all time. LOL Just kidding. I dont celebrate new years, but I celebrate the fact that Allah has blessed me to see another year. I look at New Years as a time for reflection and to be thankful for what You already have in life. Also its a time to re-evaluate things, and people and really see how you want to plan your future and new year. 2010 woa Nelly, lots of drama, so much happened in 2010 I am not sad at all so see it go. I was actually counting down like yes, t-minus I can have a fresh new start. Since I have been back home, its been quite the love nest and Hassan and I have really rekindled the awesome fire and sparks are flying like Boy scouts are in the woods trying to get their fire-survival badge lol. So we have really committed to giving our marriage a fresh start, and staying positive with life. Surprisingly everyday we spend together seems to get better and better. I'm like snap where was this Hassan months ago when I was losing it? LOL. Its good he is finally seeing the light with this whole thing. Hopefully this dude wont get tunnel vision or lose his mind again in 2011, only so much a girl can take. But I have some awesome plans for this year. First and foremost I plan on trying to focus on my deen and keep putting Allah first. One goal this year is to memorize 1/3 of the Quran. I know some of you are like woa ..some surahs are crazy long good luck. lol But yea I feel I can do it. Inshallah we will see how it goes. Also I really plan to just focus on bettering me all around. This whole grad school thing, needs to be handled, and aced, thats on the agenda. Paying off debts, and starting a traveling fund. It would be nice if me and Hassan could make Hajj this year or Umrah. We shall see. but I have big plans in 2011. Cant nobody stop my shine. Get it! Another thing which i think is awesome , my blog demographics ..I have some amazing readers from all over the globe. I am really thankful for all the support people have given me thus far and the friendships I have made. I pray that Allah blesses all the wonderful readers with an awesome-super-fabulous-extra-amazing year. And to all those haters out there, keep hating lets me know I'm doing something right lol. Also to the haters, get a hobby or something jealously isnt a good look!

Oh snap Change of heart so soon?

Oh snap lol ..Aslaamu-alaimum world whats really good. So Hassan comes home today, which was supposedly supposed to be Denise's day but for whatever reason the days are now switched. Im like dang now i gotta cancel my late night party.LOL So anyways, I was out when Hassan texts :

Hassan: I'm on my way home
Me:  Huh? Who's home? my house or hers?
Hassan: Our house babe, I miss you.
Me: OK babe see ya soon.

So I am a little irritated that the schedule has been changed. One, I like planning things and this switch-around didn't leave me no room for nothin.  I wasn't planning on cooking tonight at all either. So Hassan says he will get take out. Also I like to be primped when he gets home, I usually have hair done and makeup. But today was roughin it. Was still fly but no glam gear lol.But its all good.

So anyways when I get home, Hassan is there reading. I'm like whats up Babe , why are you here. He is looking all stressed and says he doesn't want to talk about it. And then says "you have been exceptional , I dont know what I was thinking, I dont know if I can last like this." So in my mind im laughing so hard , like duh told you so , duh you just now realizing how awesome I am? LMAO. I kinda feel bad for him in a way, but not too bad enough to really care or do something. So I say to him, "well I tried to tell you but you have to see things for yourself". LOL. I had to try with all my effort not to just laugh so hard in his face. Because he was looking so cute when he's sad. Who knows if his feeling will last , or not. I'm guessing it wont but then again who knows. I dont know why but that made me so happy knowing that "me and him get along so much better." But everyone has to learn and grow with their mate. Guess my month away wasn't enough time to learn each other. Or maybe they did and didnt like what they learned. Either way I'm still on my natural high. Denise or nobody else cant steal my shine. Hassan said he really thought i was going to be a lot different when i got back, he thought  was going to be "trippen" and spazin out all the time. I'm like ummm no,, that so last year lol drama takes too much energy dont have time for all that. I'm tryin be high off life. I'm a little surprised too how well we have been getting along. I think partly because Hassan is secretly jumping for joy that I came back to him in the first place.LOL, and he has been trying to be really sweet.I guess him and Denise thought I was really going to leave him. This is what he tells me tonight, that Denise thought I was going to leave him. LOL sorry grasshopper.
But anyways I am so not even thinking about that whole scenario.I have been trying to keep up on my reading and lectures/kutbahs. Also I started learning some new surahs this week yay. Thanks to a fellow blogger got some new good Islamic sites to stay focused on my deen.Everyday do one thing for yourself that makes you feel good!Thats my motto carpe diem. Seize the day!  But yea later for now guys and dolls gotta tend to some things around these parks.

Will work for cute shoes!

Aslaamu-alaikum world. So a few things inspired this post. 1. Dsw's shoe selection, and the NEED to get coach's new python heels. So cute. Also some comments from some readers about women being maintained. Ok, let me just say I am not a feminist or anit-male or whatever but this is how I feel on women working. All women should know how to get a job and or have a side hustle that she can earn her own income. Whether or not she chooses to work, or not is up to her, but in this day in age you should be able to get out there if need be. Or have your own small business you can run out of the home. Whether it be a maid service, catering, bake sale, doing hair, doing henna, a daycare service, typing papers for lazy college students, stealing things then selling them on ebay (lol jk) but you get the point. So this brings me to my 2nd point, and yes I do have one. Women need to feel empowered. Relying solely on your man perhaps might not be the best idea for this empowerment. Anything can happen to ol' boy and then what? Where will that leave you? Dancing for dollars at a low budget club? May Allah forbid. Selling foodstamps to pay rent? Hopefully not. Whether your husband is awesome big money maker or down on his luck and in between jobs a girl has to get hers. Now I know some people are thinking whats the point of working if you have a husband...or going to say that's the husbands job. Yes, your right, it is his job to provide, and thankfully Hassan does this well, at least for me cant speak for Denise lol. But I just dont like the mentality of "settling just to be maintained." We as women need to be able to maintain ourselves if need be. So many stories I hear sound really messed up, dramafest ...I know my story isnt perfect but women have to have self respect and self worth. Having self worth goes a long way in getting what you want, and living how you want. And I am so not trying to put anyone down for not working , right now I dont have fulltime job, maybe I will soon who knows. I just wish more muslimas would know their self worth, and put effort into elevating themselves financially and spiritually. Know what you bring to the table is awesome. Be creative in your own ways to make money. Money isnt everything, and yes you can be content living a humble lifestyle...and you can be content wearing coach python shoes, everyone has their own comfort level lol. But, never settle or say in a situation for "maintenance." not a good look. Here are some nice halal ways to make some income around the neighborhood that you dont have to put on your taxes..yes i know you can thank me later.

• Tutor/teach quran/arabic classes to new Muslims
• sell baked goods
• become translator or teach your language to others
• Muslima taxi service
• Got sewing skills? Make & sell clothing

 I could go on an on., but i wont got stuff to do..lol Ok have a good day guys and dolls.

Prayer, positivity, and Perspective pt 2

Aslaamu-alaikum world. So these last few days have been amazing, kinda surprisingly amazing. Hassan and I seem to be back in snyc. Plan to take things one day at a time and keep my mind focused on my master plan. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake factory the other night and it was soo good. I love, love, love their cheesecake, they seriously have the best cheesecake in the world. I got the red velvet cheesecake omg so good.We had a long talk the first night I got back about making our time together quality time, not just time. In life some people you spend time with , others you invest time in. Hassan and I decided to always try to invest time in each other. He said he felt abandoned when I left lmao, sure whatever dude. But its cute he's being more open with his feelings.I kinda like it.

Even though he has Denise  now, I still see him everyday. This may change later, but for now its cool arrangement. I decided to stop calling Snipes, Snipes and go back to Denise. Snipes has a negative meaning and I am trying to be all about the positive and moving forward. Thinking negatively will not help anything. But anyways on Denise's nights, I really thought I would feel like an emotional wreck, at least that's what I was expecting. I was expecting to come back, and having Hassan leave to go with #2 and me crying in the fetal position or shaking my fist at the sky screaming WHY!! LOL. But that seriously hasn't happened. I am kinda shocked and surprised at myself at how I am taking everything. I was seriously thinking on the first night he left "wait for it, wait for it ...tears..drama fest...some choice curse words for Hassan on his way out."..lol but no nothing. I think partly a reason why I dont get so angry because I  dont feel any jealously towards her. Hassan pays all my bills, gives me money for things, the financial scale is very unbalanced in my favor. But that's life what can you do LOL. On her nights I have been really relaxing and enjoying some me time. Working out, reading, having a Grey's Anatomy marathon or ordering some chick flicks on demand. So far so good.

He really seems to be trying to make this work since I have been back. He's been complimenting me alot, and being a sweetheart. Its only been a week but this was a different tune than when I was gone. This is likely due to him seeing me after all this time and thinking to himself, "stop smoking crack and treat her like the queen she is before you lose her." or something along those lines lol. Its funny because now Hassan is thinking of changing the scheudle because he is getting "tried" and "dizzy" from running back and forth between houses. You know what I say to that, oh well. This is the lifestyle you wanted to so deal with it. I really have no sympathy towards him in that regard lol. I dont think it will ever come a time when I will feel bad for him or comfort him for being tired of "maintaining two homes" . Actually I get a kick out of it, like seriously dude what did you think this would be a cakewalk? Umm no, tough it up. LOL. Ok maybe I am mean, or harsh but that's life.

But anyways the whole point of this post was because I am feeling very positive right now. Through any difficult time in life we always have to remember to make lots of dua, and keep up our prayers. Allah is the maintainer, the bestow-er of happiness, not anyone else. Cant miss any salats, prayer is so calming. This morning after fajr Hassan and I had taleem together, we plan on having taleem every fajr and maghrib we are together. A wise woman once said to me "Allah never gets overwhelmed" so true. In life we may face challenges, get overwhelmed , but we always must bring things back to Allah and why we are here. This life is temporary. And no, Hassan didn't promise me any golden tickets for saying this. LOL. He can never give me anything more than what Allah has already given me. Peace of mind. Joy. There are many people around me facing different hardships in life, some of which are so sad I would never ever want to trade places. Allah tests us with different things. We have to remember, this life is just one big test. Inshallah we will pass. Also I dont want people getting the idea or impression that Hassan is a bad guy. Yes, he has done some  things that make me want to punch him in the throat and key his car, lol but to dislike someone, you are also disliking the good Allah has also put in them. Moving forward trying to be positive, there is a lot of good in him. Hope everyone has a good week ahead!

Reunited and it feels so good..lol

Aslaamu-alaikum World!!! So whats really good? Inshallah all is well out there. So I came home this week. And what can I say it has been interesting to say the least. So if you having been keeping up with me thus far you know I am still nursing this retched cold that is almost gone!! YAY (happy dance) So I get home the other day and Hassan is at work. I take a much needed nap and run some errands. The traffic here is all kinds of crazy but I really actually missed driving my own car, instead of getting chauffeured around by my family, so I didn't mind. So after a day of the errands and trying to unpack and wash clothes , sort a lifetime supply of mail I received I was ready for a night of relaxation. So Hassan calls me on his way home from the plantation ..I mean work, and is all being sweet asking how are things with me and if I need anything. So naturally I say yes and give him a list of juice and cold meds to buy so I can get further drugged up lol. So even though I had a cold I still didnt want to look bumy , I haven't seen him in a month so I had to look like my normal fly sexy self, after all I didnt want to be mistaken for Snipes lol. So did my hair, makeup had on cute little tank top and leggings ..looking causal but sexy. So I was really feeling nervous. I really didnt know what to expect. The days leading up to my return werent the nicest conversations we have had, partly because Hassan never wanted me to leave and was mad I was gone so long. But oh well thats life kick rocks.

So like I said I didn't know what to expect. So I'm all snuggled up on the couch reading, and drinking tea when in walks Hassan. So I look at him, he looks at me, his eyes get all big. He says "Aslaamu-alaikum love." I give him salaams and walk over to him. He grabs me and gives me the biggest hug he has ever given me , ever. He's all like "I missed you so much", "Dont leave me like that again." lol . And kissed me. I really wasn't planning on kissing him. But my brain wasn't really thinking clearly enough to stop him. I was still confused wondering if it was the same guy that i talked to a few days ago who was trippen. He brought in lots of goodies for me, juice, and some sparkling white grape juice and sparkling apple cuz "he wanted to celebrate the return of his queen." So I am putting some of the groceries away Hassan goes  back to the car for more things and comes back with a dozen red roses. I was so surprised. Its funny because I was talking to my sister earlier telling her that he better be jumping for joy that I even came back at all and bring me roses when I see him. He must have go the memo somewhere along the lines lol. I would post a pic but the vase on my dining room table is surrounded with all the mail that i missed. My dining room table is looking crazy right about now. But the rest of my house is clean so its all good.

So we go back in the living room and just talk, and he is loving the henna. I got his name on my back. It is really cute. (note to self, learn to do henna nice side hustle) lol. Anyways then the shocker of the night, Hassan tells me he is going to cook dinner and wants me to relax. I was so confused, like who is this dude and what happened to the Hassan I used to know. Did he get abducted by aliens or what? The whole time we have been married Hassan has only cooked dinner maybe 5x . And that's if hotdogs and frozen pizza qualify as cooking. LOL . He defiantly isn't winning any Top Chef contest any time soon, but it was nice gesture and was sweet of him.  But the whole night was really strange in a nice way. He defiantly was acting very brand new. Jocking me very hard. Usually he is a germaphobe but he kept trying to tongue me down every chance he got even with the cold. I was like ok dude I know I have some soup coolers (juicy lips) but be easy. LOL. We talked a lot, he said "he really missed me, said im his #1 girl, he's so happy to have his queen back", he  even apologized for some things. I was thinking to myself hmm he must think he is about to get some goodies..lol little does he know that will not happen. Who knows how long this new Hassan will stay around. Perhaps this time away has made him further realize how lucky he is in the first place to be my husband lol. But it was a good night that's all I will say for now. Inshallah I will keep you posted on this weeks events.

Blogger comeback..maybe

Asalaamu-alaikum world, Wow its been a minute since I have blogged, ten days to be exact. Hmm where to start? So much has been going on. I guess I will give a brief synopsis of the happenings in my world. I did get a job! Yay me. But I am still undecided if I really want to go back to working full time. At first I was so excited but now I am ..already thinking of what excuses I can use to call in sick lol.So far i've come up with 9 ! LOL Perhaps because I am still nursing this stupid cold so the thought of working at anyone's slave shop is less than appealing right now ..hmm who knows. It does pay nice and have good benefits so I will keep it in motion for the time being. What else, Eventually I'll be returning home , very soon. So who knows what will happen when I see Hassan. Not really looking forward to it. So much has changed. I just anticipate lots of awkward silences and the relationship I once knew being gone forever. But then again who knows.Still working on the master plan. Who knows what Allah has planned for me. Just cant wait to get over this cold so I can be back to normal. Had some oh so delicious chai tea today and plan to take a borderline toxic amount of cold meds to kick this cold/flu for good lol. You know what they say , what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger. Having the flu sucks , you would think by now someone somewhere would have invented some magical pill you can take and instantly be better. But no, these so called scientist want to focus their efforts on going green and saving the ozone layer like that is somehow more important than my cold..lol smh.

In other awesome news, I did get my henna done on my feet and back. It looks really really cute. I wish I could post a picture but I cant. The henna girl did an awesome job and only charged me $35! My design looks something like this. But better. She did a similar design on my back with some other details on it. Where my family lives its much cheaper to get henna done than where I live. For the same design would've cost $70 here for everything. I am so looking forward to sleeping in my bed again. That's one thing I miss most when traveling. I love my family and they sure make me feel loved and welcomed in their homes, but i miss my own bed. Its going to be nice waking up in it after such a long time.

Facebook friends? So why all of a sudden today I wake up with 3 guys trying to holla on facebook. "Salaams, sis was wondering if your married.blah, blah, blah." Keep it moving dude. Friend request DENIED lol. Guess its time for me to change my profile pic again. Gotta stay incognito on these fools lol

In other unrelated news, count your blessings, your health, smiles from your children and all the things Allah has given you that makes you happy. You really never know when things can change. Inshallah I will post some updates more frequently we shall see. Or not..lol
 Have a good day guys an dolls.

SN: the polygamy poll on the far right closes in 7 days make sure you vote. 

Hmm what about 2nd husbands..lol

Aslaamu-alaikum world. I saw this cartoon and it made me laugh so hard. Then I starting thinking if polygamy was halal for women in Islam to have more than one husband how many of us  would really want to practice that? Yes, of course it would be difficult because in the case of children, if a woman is sleeping with several men then there would be a mystery of "who is the baby's biological father." I guess she could always go on Maury to solve that LOL. But besides that I am not sure if it would really be that bad lol. Here are some benefits of having a 2nd husband:

• Two guys to buy you things
• 2 bank accounts to have access to
• one man might be good kisser other better at special services
• one husband could teach you deen the other might be a more worldly knowledgeable man lol

Hmm there doesn't seem  to be many benefits of this 2nd husband thing. LOL. Disadvantages, hmm 2 guys to cook and clean for. Two mother in laws to pretend to like..lol. Two men to yell at when the clothes are on the floor or trash needs to be taken out . Or when they leave a sip of some juice in the pitcher and put it BACK in the fridge like its ok.Two men to remind to put the toilet paper back on the roll instead of on the back of the toilet like a little lazy kid. lol I dont think I would like the 2 husbands thing at all. It might be fun at first but then it would get real tiring real fast. Plus it would be gross to sleep with 2 men like that. Who would really exercise their "rights" to have 2 husbands if it were permissible?? Hmm not me. But if you had 2 husbands would that double your chance at getting a golden ticket?

When Muslim Marriage Fails

Aslaamu-alaikum world. So I wanted to finally give a book review on
When Muslim Marriage Fails by Suzy Ismail. Today has been very awesome had several calls today, and now have some job interviews lined up for when I return. So very exciting. No more dancing for dollars!lol But anyways back to the matter at hand, this book review. Suzy Ismail hit the nail on the head in so many ways and is so on point with this book. The reason I liked it and would recommend it as a must read for Muslim couples , especially new couples . Actually this book is for EVERYONE, single , married, divorced.

This book is really good because the couple each tells their story of how their marriage began and how it ultimately ended. This book is funny , but also sad , and very real. It is such a good example of how men and women think totally different. The women in this book all feel one way and the ex-husbands feel another. Reading this book I really felt bad for the women, some of them have really been thru some jacked up crap. It really had me think more about my own marriage and the good qualities I value in Hassan. I was reading some of the chapters ...like woa snap this is so sad. But the lessons I took away are we have to value the blessings we are given. Also how it is vital to any marriage to discuss goals, roles, expectations and child raising and household responsibilities before getting married. Luckily me and Hassan went to pre-martial counseling before we got married with the Imam, so also of these issues were discussed before had. I do recommend this book. It is a must read for the low price of $14.. yall better get this one.!

Another good thing about this book is after each story, "her story" then "his story", she has commentary and explains how the couple could have went about things differently and perhaps saved their marriage and became a happier more loving couple.

Oh yeah ..bouncing back!

Aslaamu-Alaikum world , so what's really good today. I contemplated on whether or not I should delete the previous post since it sounds all down and whatever...But I figured I better keep it up. I didnt start this blog to create a false impression of polygamy or to candy coat everything. Because if and when you are going thru it , and looking for info, its best to have truthful info. Instead of muslimas telling you everything is back warm and fuzzy instantly and you are doing everything possible still to gain your golden tickets in the land of unicorns and sugar plum fairies lol. Gotta keep it real! So ANYWAYS LOL..

 I am still visiting with my family, who have been so awesome Yesterday my mom and sister and I went shopping and I got some new cute tops but didnt have time for the extensive shopping I really wanted so plan to hit up the mall again this week and do some damage. I think there is likely some cute boots out there calling my name. It would be only right for me to find them and give them a good home lol..
So yes there are highs and lows and I am defiantly feeling high off life right now. I made istakara and feel positive. I will move forward and proceed with positivity and trying to maintain tranquility in my life and marriage. This is something Allah has decreed for me right now I will move forward until Allah has decreed me something else to do.

My sister and I stayed up and talked to the wee hours of the morning eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking tea. Yummy. And today I got some great feedback of some jobs back home I am interested in so inshallah I will land something promising. Before anyone says anything crazy or dumb lol I want to go back to working full-time. I still wont be contributing to any of the household bills, but I think the added social interaction and experience will be nice and keep me more focused on myself. Hassan isnt forcing me to work nor will I ever give him money to help Snipes. Sorry but if he wanted her he is gonna have to do whatever it takes to maintain her lol. Not my problem oh well lol.

In other awesome news, I was listening to some new lectures lately and really feel hyped about moving forward bettering myself. There are these muslim hiphop dudes from UK on youtube that have some good videos. Maybe I will give a link  if i feel like it. Looking forward to the new year for some big changes. Allah has control over all things, and when we fully submit to the will of Allah we can truly see the benefits and blessings that will follow.

In some other funny news lol Hassan tells me him and Snipes arent getting along LOL. Oh well. I guess Hassan is thinking me and him are friends so he can confide in me when he is feeling stressed. But he was, but I really didnt feel bad for him. Really she should be living it up over there, I'm gone and she has him all to herself ...for now. But now, she is complaining a lot and stressing him about "dumb petty stuff." LOL oh well. Dont know why but I did find a little comfort in him telling me this lol. But anyways hope everyone has had an awesome Monday I know I have. Keep hope alive yall!