Asalaamu-alaikum world. So over these last few months I have really been able to share, talk , and network with many other women across the world who are in polygamy or dealing with the soon possibility. I woke up today feeling very happy about life and my marriage. And really realized how much my thoughts and feelings have changed from the beginning. The pre-polygamy phase is very, very, stressful. Seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.Was seriously about to lose it many times lol. What makes this stage so stressful for most awesome muslimas is that there is so much that is unknown. Naturally you have so many questions about how things could change in your own marriage with time, money, affection, secrets ect it can literally drive you bananas. But what first wives have to keep in mind is there are many benefits of being the "first wife." And I am not saying first wives are better than seconds or anything, I just wanted to give a post for the first wives out there who are struggling in the pre or post-poly phase some reinforcements lol.
- As a first wife you have already built a foundation with your husband. Nobody can take that away.
- During this foundation time, you have learned what he likes & dont like, food, house maintenance ,movies, sports, sex, ect. whomever else is added to the team will have to find all this out every other day or every 2-3 days much longer process and can become frustrating to the man, since wifey #1 has things already figured out.
- You have already established your standard of living. So the husband must at least keep you at this standard.
- You have already established a circle of trust with each other. He still has to build trust with #2.
- You are awesome and special, this isn't a competition with anyone but yourself , and the goal is Jannah
- Whatever was previously setup in the contract he will have to still adhere to.
During the pre phase there are lots of crazy emotions you go thru and even after. We are tested with things that reasons we dont even know. People kept telling me , just do more zikr, or read Quran more or more duas. And when you are in the throws of it all you are all like "bump that, i dont see how it will help." ..Well my friends i can honestly say it has helped me so much doing all the ibadaah i did and continue to do. And try your hardest to focus on your happiness and your marriage. Not your husbands potential or co-wife. Your co-wife could look like Haley Berry in a hijab and be a hafiz but you still have to value yourself and know whatever she may bring to the table cannot replace what you have already established, and what you offer. Confidence is key, and is such a beautiful thing when you truly feel secure within yourself and your relationship. Before I left Hassan for that month I had so many mixed feelings, should i leave him for good ? Should I work it out? Should i key his car? lol. But I choose to come back and make an effort to see if it could work. Allahu-alem, who knows if it will work in the end. Its working right now, we are happy now and doing better daily. Like I said before in many other posts, I am not the type of person to give things up without trying first. So we shall see how things go. But my heart truly goes out to all my readers and fellow bloggers who are still dealing with the pain of it all. It is very hard, and the best thing you can do is have a good support system and increase your ibadaah. Retail therapy helps too. That reminds me off to the mall check out some after christmas sales. Later guys and dolls.
Your words give me hope that I can make it thru this too....Inshallah... :) I am glad things are good with you...
ReplyDeleteI had a lot of emotional baggage when I married Haytham. He was the one who mended me, made me whole. Are you familiar with the Celine Dion song “Because you love me”? Yup, kind of cheesy but that’s how I would describe Haytham is for me. After almost 13 years of blissful married life, he met a woman he feels is right for him, and wants to marry her. My world is shattered, I feel everything I thought my life was is but a dream. I am back to being the insecure insignificant little lost girl I was before I married him. I pray that I can bounce back, for my children’s sake. Reading your blog inspires me Jaiyana; please continue sharing your life with us.
ReplyDeleteI know it’s halal, and it is his right, but it hurts like sh## regardless. Did anyone of you really find out why our men say they love us and yet continue to risk our relationship and give us this pain? I actually asked him why he hurts me this much and then call it love. His answer was a very romantic “Nobody wants to hurt you baby. She and I, we did not mean to hurt you; it’s just COLLATERAL DAMAGE”. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
@Pin, yea it is defiantly a process. Nobody can really say how long it takes. You will bounce back. Yea it hurts like someone stabbed you in the heart , then ripped it out your chest, threw it on the floor then set it on fire. Yep, but the pain will go away, and subside eventually. Everyday gets better. Lots of ibadaah is the only thing that really helps, and shopping, and chocolate. Yea its so confusing how they can say they love someone and then go ahead and do it. truely i think the men get tunnel vision and hope that the wife they already have will bounce back. Ugghh i know makes you wanna holla. let it all out.
ReplyDelete@Jaiyana... Thanks so much girl!! ..one day at a time!!! ..and so far so good!
ReplyDelete@pin... I know exactly how you feel!!! 1 or 2 months ago I was at the lowest I've ever been... One thing which helped tremendously was looking into my children's eyes... and I understood I must be really special for Allah to have granted them to me!!! Yah Allah!!! Ponder on all the things YOU have accomplished during those 13 months... look at your children... realize that your worth lays NOT in your husband but on YOUR OWN HEART. Give thanks to the ONE who made all your accomplishments possible.. your husband was but an 'instrument' to get you motivated and secure. I know these words might not help much... but do know that many of us have 'walked in your shoes'... Have hope!!! ..it too shall pass... :D
@Firstwife, when this all started when we first met i thought would be the one getting tips from you, thought your husband would remarry before mine. But Al-humdillah everything happens for a reason, and I am glad this blog,and I can help others. You have helped me so much esp during the pre-phase not to lose it.(hugs)
ReplyDelete@UmmUmmarNY, yep "this too shall pass" and take things one day at a time.
Focus on the positives in your life, and what you have to offer, not just to your husband but to the world. It is a natural reaction for women in polygamy, pre-and post lol to feel insecure and doubt yourselves. But you really must not do that.Allah created you special and unique and beautiful. If you were a bad person/wife or if your husband didnt truly love you and think you were special he would divorce you and then just remarry. First wives are first for a reason. Keep your heads up ladies. Inshallah you will get through this.
@pin, wow so sorry that you are hurting...may Allah help you and heal you, ameen.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you gave your husband way too much credit for your happiness and well-being. Peace comes from Allah, everything that we have comes from Allah.
Did your hubby ever discuss poygamy with you before he made this life-altering decision?
@ pin...... i agree with munirah. that our husbands isn't our only form of happiness. and that we shouldn't be soo emotional, mentally, spiritually dependent on our husbands. they are a loan and gift from Allah. Allah blessed us with them in our lives but we have to give them back to Allah. know and understand that just because he chooses another wife doesn't mean he loves you any less. he has room to love more than one wife. just like a mother has room to love more than one child. mothers will find the beauty, positive, and gifts in all of her children. even when a child says "u love her more than me?" a good mother will say "i love all my children." a good mother will never say which one is her favorite. nor will she make it obvious as to which one is her favorite. she can't control what her heart feels but she can control how she shows it.
ReplyDeletesame for a man. we only have room to love one man but many children. Allah has blessed us with this. but Allah has blessed a man to love more than one woman. and if he fears and loves Allah, then he will try his best to be fair, just, caring, giving, etc to both. even though he can't control his heart, he can control how he shows it.
will there be feelings of jealousy, envy, etc. yes. but we have to control our nafs. just like we tell our children to control their feels, what they say, and behavior. we have to do the same.
Hi UmmUmar. You are correct. Looking at our children’s eyes gives me hope- I see joy and a chance of a greater future. They really are blessings from ALLAH. There are days when I don’t want to get up; knowing that my 5 month old son needs to be fed gives me that much needed push. This will all pass. Sometimes I wish that when I wake up tomorrow, 2 or 3 years have already passed, may be then it wouldn’t hurt this much. But then it would mean missing out those years with my kids; nope, I wouldn’t trade that. I’ll just bear this pain and pray for more patience.
ReplyDeleteJaiyana dear. I really admire you for your positive outlook. Good to know there are a lot of benefits in being a first wife. Right now, I’m still in the stage of “I DON’T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE. I WANT TO BE THE ONLY ONE”. I’ve got a sweet tooth, but now chocolates taste like chalk. Lost a lot of weight. Wish I have a strong support system. Can’t even talk to my own mom, with her “I told you so” attitude. Sorry for all these drama- will try to be more positive in the coming days IN SHA ALLAH.
Hi Munira. Thanks for your prayer. IN SHA ALLAH I will be healed and be able to accept the things I cannot change.
Haytham and I came from different countries with entirely different backgrounds. I came from a place where Islam is very misunderstood, the greatest bias being, a man wants to be a Muslim so he can have more than one wife. This is one of the major issues we discussed before getting married. He explained polygamy to me, the reasons why it is halal, and his point of view about it. He believed then that this lifestyle would not be for him. He also knew how I strongly feel about having more than one woman in a man’s life, be it halal or otherwise. My father left us for another woman, needless to say that I grew up emotionally crippled because of this. I had one boyfriend in the past who broke my heart, again another girl is involved. It took me seven years to recover from it ( yes, that’s how hard I took it). Never had any plans of getting married after that, until I met Haytham.
This is why I feel very very betrayed. How can he do this to me, knowing what I’ve been through? I guess he’s as confused as I am. He gave me a lot of reasons, sometimes saying my shortcomings in our relationship. In the end, he said this has nothing to do with me. He did his best to avoid it, as he did in the past. But it just happened. He just advised me to have enough faith in ALLAH, that this happens for a reason.
Hello Huda. Thank you for reminding me that I have to thank ALLAH for blessing me with a very good husband. I’ve been through several Islamic websites trying to look for answers to this situation. Some have been really harsh, telling me that I am being ungrateful, which made me feel guilty. Others like you, told me that my husband is not mine, he is loaned from ALLAH, and I have to learn to control my feelings of jealousy and envy. If you are a first wife, can you tell me how you took your own advice? I pray and pray a lot, more than I did in years, practically for me not to feel any emotions at all so I won’t be jealous or envious. But then again, with apologies to all my sisters out there, and I honestly don’t mean to hurt or offend anyone, I literally vomit every time I think of my husband in the arms of another woman!
My sisters, thank you very much for all your prayers and support. I will eternally be grateful to ALLAH for having met you in what I may call the most difficult time in my life.
@Pin, I try to stay positive but dont get it wrong I defiantly have my share of down moments when I just feel like screaming. Usually these moments happen on Denise's day lol. I was reading this book" from monogamy to polygamy a way thru." (will give a book review when i finally finish it) One of the authors who was haveing a tough time with jealousy mentioned "how can she be jealous of someone who will be getting half of what I have been having for years." Just something to think about pin. You have had your man for 13 YEARS, which is a blessing. Whoever comes into the mix will never have what you have. Their whole relationship will start of sharing. Think of it like this, lets say you got a brandnew BMW when you were 16 to drive. Then after driving it for years, testing out all the features, doing donuts, road trips ect your parents make you share it with your little sister. You would be a little bummed since its a nice car and your used to it all to yourself. But your lil sis will always have to share. I know its different with a man since there is love involved but its just one way to think about it to help with jealously. I went thru that stage where I literally wanted to vomit with the thought of Denise. No I can say her real name in my home without wanting to puke lol. Baby steps..lol
ReplyDelete@ pin.... i am the second wife. and as #2, there were many things that i had to get use to and adjust to. they already had a system, lifestyle, etc. i wasn't jealous in the beginning. i knew it would take time for her and the children to adjust. i started getting jealous about 2 years later. when from time to time she would compete with me for his extra time and attention. try to make her opinion more important than mine, etc..
ReplyDeletei told myself from the beginning that i will not compete for his spare time. i would talk a little on the phone to hubby, but i don't try to have long conversations like she does when he is with me. she still feels the need to prove herself to him and the children. she is very emotional, sensitive and so are her children. she and them get jealous easily over many things. (not just toward me, but also toward each other). they have sharing issues.
me, i'm not a jealous person. from time to time (long periods of time in between)i will get jealous or envious. and it passes as quickly as it came. i teach my children not to be jealous or envious. to be patient and wait their turn. to share what they have. because you want Allah to share His blessings with you ... etc. i treat my children like i treat my marriage. and i pray that me being in polygamy will show them why/how Allah has told men to do this. and explain to them that the prophets, messengers, pious scholars, and righteous leaders had more than one wife.
@"Pin"....your story is very sad to read. I put myself in other women's shoes sometimes to think about how they felt, and how their situation is effecting them. We are emotional by nature, and these situations are difficult, and hurtful. You may be feeling even more down because your still in postpartum. Your hormones and emotions are still elevated, and unbalanced. This has to be a really bad time for you to be put you through polygny? Try to make deen your number one focus, and of course your baby. I know it's hard. Polygny is also not a commandment......Huda? It is something allowed, and permissible in Islam. Praying, fasting, paying Zakat, Making Hajj ect. are commandments.
ReplyDeleteThe Quran states: "And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls then marry (other)women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice." Surah An-Nisa Ayat.3
I think the majority of men can't deal with one family justly, but somehow manage to try and justify their actions for taking on seconds ect. I read a few days ago on another blog a sister said something to the effect that polygny is a "Sunnah". It's quite ironic how people will pick and choose the Sunnahs they want to practice, but leave the others behind. The Messenger (peace be upon him) was also married to Khadija (May Allah be pleased with her) for 25 years monogamously. And we also know the did receive Wahi (Revelation) during his marriage to Khadija (May Allah be pleased with her.) Would that not make Monogomay a Sunnah as well?? I don't like when people try to use Islam to fit their wants/nafs. "Pin" Only Allah best the hearts, and minds. Look towards Allah for all your peace and happiness.