Hey whats really good world? Its crazy early in the wee hours of the morning around here. I guess it would be a good thing if I got some sleep, but fajr is almost in so i guess I will just stay up. So whats on my mind?? Well even though I am trying to be positive and move forward in the land of unicorns, sugar plum fairies and golden tickets this is still the hardest thing I have ever ..ever..ever had to do. Some days like today I just feel like saying eff' it! Like seriously even though Hassan complains about her, and is always irritated when he comes from over there, and even though he texts me all night when he is with her...It still sucks. Because bottom line is no matter how much she may or may not suck, no matter how bad her cooking may be or how tacky her wardrobe may "allegedly" be lol ..that girl Denise is still his wife. He is still married to her and still leaves me to go spend time (regardless of how boring) with her.
I really dont feel like a wife anymore. Maybe this is my hormones talking because I am PMS'n who knows, but that's how i am feelin today. Like even though I have never been privy to the dunya lifestyle of "live in girlfriends" that's how I feel. Like I feel like my wifey status has been taken...like some thief in the night has ram-shacked my home and took my Trophy wife crown and everything that came with it lol. Seriously I feel like I am playing wife. I have a friend (really sweet non-muslim girl) whom I've known since high school and through college. In college she got engaged and moved in with her boyfriend,(well almost she spend some nights still at her dorm) her parents were pissed to say the least. They told her she was playing house and didn't approve. This is how I feel , like I am a live in girlfriend. And its starting to get old. I just dont see or feel stability in this situation. Even though Hassan loves me and has really being trying to make a comeback and treat me like the queen I am, I am feeling like whats the point dude. Like seriously, what's the point of me cooking cleaning , looking fly, doing laundry, being his personal assistant, masseuse, and private dancer if he is just going to continue to go to be with Denise every few days. This whole arrangement really seems quite pointless.I think I am going to try being celibate and me and Hassan can just be roommates for awhile.
Sorry if I am being all Debbie Downer or whatever but I am just keepin it real. Yes, I do have more freedom with this scenario love triangle confusion circle of polygamy. But me and Hassan never had the type of relationship where he would try to hold me back and control me or restrict me in anyway. I was always free to do whatever I wanted. If anything I have been the controlling one in the relationship. LOL. Days like this it is really hard to see the silver lining in the f'up storm. Like really how is this benefiting me in any kind of way? I mean I am all for sharing and caring, but to share the person you have waited your life for with someone who is crazy and spiteful is so not my cup of tea. I am so with anny w/att on devising a master plan to bounce. I really dont blame sistas at all who have to throw up a peace sign. It is truly super hard. And no I am not trying to discourage anyone out there, everyone is grown and can make their own choices, just saying I wouldn't choose this again if I had a do-over. Now is a good time to start planning my exit strategy. Who knows where this journey will take me , but I really am not liking this AT ALL.
Grant it, when Hassan spends time with me its usually awesome, we dont argue we truly just enjoy each others company. But the time apart, no matter how many activities, you fill your day with there is still that void of no husband. Perhaps if I had a house filled with bebe kids I would be so preoccupied with them or so drained to even notice that the husband wasn't there. Or by the time I did notice or care, I'd be so tired and ready to fall asleep on any comfy place I could find, so it wouldn't matter. ..Ugggh I really cant stand selfish people. I think its time to start looking for a 2nd husband, Hassan might have to get replaced lol. Guess I will have to get my golden ticket some other way LOL.
Grant it, when Hassan spends time with me its usually awesome, we dont argue we truly just enjoy each others company. But the time apart, no matter how many activities, you fill your day with there is still that void of no husband. Perhaps if I had a house filled with bebe kids I would be so preoccupied with them or so drained to even notice that the husband wasn't there. Or by the time I did notice or care, I'd be so tired and ready to fall asleep on any comfy place I could find, so it wouldn't matter. ..Ugggh I really cant stand selfish people. I think its time to start looking for a 2nd husband, Hassan might have to get replaced lol. Guess I will have to get my golden ticket some other way LOL.
Thats how I feel. Like I will be some sort of live-in girlfriend who is only here for sex. (private dancer lolol). But I try to think of it from my husbands side. That fool loves me like crazy, just like your Man does, and if we were the ones with 2 husbands in no way would we want them to leave us. (Though I still randomly tell my husband I am going to get a Native American like I always wanted...just to piss him off. :D)
ReplyDeleteAnother way I think of it is this way. If my husband was to die tomorrow, be buried, never see him or have him hold me again, would I care he has a second wife? No i don't think I would. It would be so insignificant because the love of my life has just died. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala guide us all, remove the jealousy from our hearts, and allow us all including our beloved husbands to live a long life in obedience to Allah subhana wa'tala. ameen!!
Hi Jaiyana,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're having a bad day. Guess even the best of us would feel this way at times. Hang in there girl. A good friend once advised me never to make any decisions when I'm angry or at the height of any strong emotions.
I did not post any messages for awhile because I got caught up in a tsunami of emotions.The worst happened a couple of days ago when I read a text message sent by hubby to potential co- wife, "I love you and I miss you and my soul is with you".OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!All hell broke loose. Boxed him and threw the cellphone at him.Hubby was shocked. I am not a violent person; if you know me you would never believe I can do that.When I calmed down, hubby just looked at me and said, "I am not a bad person; please don't hate me this much".
Why am I staying? I have to remind myself of the reason. I should have bolted weeks ago.
Alabaster Muslim, you struck a cord. My hubby has a suspicious looking nodule in his lung, under observation and for repeat CT scan on March.His deal is, if he is ok, he'll marry her.Would you prefer your husband dead, or married to another?For our kids' sake, I pray for his good health.I pray and pray and pray some more for ALLAH to help me find peace in my heart.I've been calm for some days now, made a bargain; hubby's health for all the heartache and pain and suffering that can come my way.
@Alabaster, yea the whole live in girlfriend feelin sucks. our relationship is much deeper than that, but thats how i am feeling today. I really dont feel any jealously towards Denise, just anger.
ReplyDelete@pin cushion, yea this is why I stopped goin through Hassans things along time ago. I had a relapse last week lol..but before that I stopped cold turkey. You never know what you may find and when you do it hurts you more than them.Last week I was surprised by the text messages he was sending her and her sending him. In none of his messages he never called her Babe, or Baby or told her he loved or missed her. It was like a neutral friendship/business relationship message. Nothing like the messages he sends me. Oh well. But yea pincushion, hugs to you. This time is oh so hard and stressful I can only imagine the hurt and anger you felt when reading that text. Really try to do some dhikr. Does the potential #2 know about you? Does she know you are uncomfortable with this?I think it makes a huge difference what type of person they choose for the #2. If she has some sort of iqraam and strong iman perhaps it wont be the worst thing. Keep hope alive :-)
I think reflecting on the reality of our situations can be difficult. Even though you've made a good effort to stay with your husband when it come down to it this is not a happy situation for you. This is not what you want. All polygny marriages aren't the same, but it seems most women go through an extended period of sorrow, and mourning. Right now you're living day to day, but the stability of a family is what you're seeking. It's really so black and white. Not any room for gray areas. You have to do what you feel is best for you. You're the only walking in your shoes. Sometimes we wait patiently for others to decide how our lives will be. Our Taqdeer (Destiny) has already been decreed. Keep making dua, and do what is best for you, your life, and your end.
ReplyDeletesalaams,
ReplyDelete@pin cushion, Excuse me but how could your hubby be "in love" with a woman he's not even married to??? He misses her??? See you have every right to be angry. This is some stanky bullshit right here. Obviously some kind of contact had to been happening for "love" & "missing you" to be part of a text msg. It's the way many of these brothers get into polygamy. They start out doing some low down dirty shit and expect what? Respect? I don't think so. It isn't going to work when they aren't even following Islamic teachings. And then the wife is expect to go along with their stankin' bullshit and be some kind of pious saint and just deal with it. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stand that shit!!!!!!!!!!
Hello Jaiyana.Yes, she knows about me. The sad thing is, I don't know her, not even her true name (hubby uses a code). Hubby doesn't want me to contact her, thinks it's pretty "low". Called her once, when I introduced myself, she closed the line. Told hubby about it, he said if she were me, would I want to talk with her?I asked hubby if she knows how I feel about the whole thing; he just answered "which woman would not know how another would feel in this situation?".I pleaded with him to stop this; he said he tried several times but he cannot, he would die without her.The final blow was that message; it was like being stabbed in the heart. I knew then what I had to know. I stopped going through his things after that.
ReplyDeleteHi Munira. Don't want you to get the wrong impression about hubby. He is a very good man; he has been perfect for the last 12+ years we've been together. He stood by my through it all. Even now in his worst, he is still the best I've got (and this is the truth, not that I've been "brainwashed" or anything).
I know they meet and have coffee, he now keeps a separate phone line for her. She calls him on the way to work, during all his breaktime, and on his way home. She know where he is all the time, even when we go out with our children.Told hubby that this is very insulting, as if she's already his wife; it did not stop anything; he just now erases all evidence. Guess his weakness is his feelings for her; like a virus that made him crazy. His reasoning is, as long as he does not neglect his obligations to me and the children, what he does on the side does not matter. When it comes to their relationship, both of them seem to have lost their conscience. He also feels I am over reacting, reassuring me again and again that nothing has and nothing will change in our relationship, that he still loves me very much. This is the crazy confusing part.
@PinCushion, yea seems like she is one of those types who dont give an eff about the first and think she will eventually have him to herself. Clearly if she cared anything about you or your children she would try to contact you, talk woman to woman and try to have some sort of respect for your marriage. Meeting him for coffee, tea, biscuits and whatever has no respect for your marriage. Sorry but your husband is delusional to think nothing will change in your relationship after he marries her. So much has changed already. Hassan tried to tell me the same stuff "babe i love u so much , you will always be my #1, nothing is ever going to change us blah blah" Now months later so much has changed. I think men get so blinded and jump for joy someone is actually tryin to be on the team they lose all sight of reality, logic and compassion. Also if the girl is disrespecting your relationship now, (Just how denise was) sorry but most likely she will continue in the future. She isnt concerend about getting to know you or being friends. Her main and only focus is getting your man. I cant stand chicks like this. The whole premise of polygamy is "what for your sister what you want for themselves" but these chicks have the mentality of "i'm gonna get mine and eff whoever else." which is really messed up. I am not tryin be debbie downer or whatever just keepin it real. I'm sure your husband has proven to be good to you the last 12 years, i'm not sayin he is a bad guy. But like most men who are in the situation are blind sighted and out of touch with reality. And your reactions are normal, dont have anyone tell you that you are trippen or anything. And taking care of his obligations are the bare minimum. What about you? How are you going to be able to take care of the kids when you are mentally about to lose it? This is what you should ask him. I dont have kids, but there were many of days i literally slept the day away, was depressed and was about to lose it. If i had a kid during that time, they would have been oh so neglected. lol. Not tryin be funny just real. Hope it gets better. May Allah ease the pain you are feeling.
ReplyDelete@"Pin" jus curious what exactly is your definition of a perfect man?? This isn't the actions of a pious man, (how he's going about things) I know no man is perfect, only the prophet (salallahualaihe wa salam)was. If a man is not strictly following Quran, and Sunnah then he is falling short. I think it's strange too that he does not want you to have anything with his possible new family? Most men want both wives to get along, and everything be all love, and happiness. I think those types of plural marriages may be easier to handle. Allah knows best. Keep making dua. Allah answers the duas of the oppressed.
ReplyDelete@pin cushion,
ReplyDeletesalaams, it's haram him meeting her, being with her etc. etc. and they are not married. When people start out wrong it not turning out right like all of a sudden.
Wrong is wrong. We got to think about meeting Allah on the day of judgement. I feel for you, because you loved him and now you are going through this. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he is doing things that are wronging his own soul. Astaghfirullah. I really hate to hear about this because it's soooooooo not good at all. It's like women are being forced to suck it up and deal with it. Ugh.
I am so late on this post, I have to blow the dust off the comment box...sorry! My thing is regarding pincushion...but really it's a blanket statement. Any woman who has a relationship with a man (married or not) such as that woman is having with your husband is not going to be a good co-wife. She doesn't fear Allah, she doesn't obey Allah, she has no shame, and she obviously isn't loving for her sister any damned thing that she loves for herself. She's straight on a road to becoming crispy bacon....and lung problem or not, so is your husband. My husband posted about how he ended up in lust with that first polygyny woman. I've learned that we need to do math. If someone is religious, fears Allah, and is truly looking for their aakhirah, they will NEVER go the haram route for something so huge. So if he says she's a wonderful Muslimah but she's got a whole relationship going on with him without a mahrem, without nikah, but with shaytaan then 1+1 doesn't equal 2. Of course, you have many factors to take into account when deciding how to proceed with all this, but don't expect anything but fitna and pain...because when your husband openly does haram with no shame, he's in a bad, bad place. May Allah help you and us all - ameen.
ReplyDeleteWoooow this is interesting, gee it makes me think about marriage alot. Inshallah if i ever get married, and if it came down to polygamy im not sure what i'd do. Lol, private dancer...umm i dont know, i see me and the 2nd wife, or me and the 1st wife being friends, so i can have someone to talk to while the hubby is at work, and we can play with the kids, then when it's time to go home you know we go about our business and what not. Anyway, May Allah bless you with patience ameen!
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